As we come up to two years of blogging (which should be today if I’ve done this correctly), I feel like it’s time to finally discuss the sex and MDMA combo. We’ve alluded to it enough. MDMA is (at the moment) the most talked about substance on our blog. So why haven’t we discussed sex and MDMA until now? This is practically the topic the entire blog was based on!
Honestly, it’s because I’m not sure I can do it justice. And by that I mean, I’m not sure that talking about MDMA purely in terms of how awesome sex is on it does MDMA justice. Nor am I sure that I can convey how amazing the entire experience is without sounding like I’m making shit up.
But I shall do my best. All I ask is that you give me the benefit of not thinking I’m inflating my experiences in order to push an agenda. I’m speaking honestly here even if that seems hyperbolic.
What Is MDMA and What Does It Do?
MDMA (3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine, AKA Molly, ecstasy, E, X) is a form of amphetamine (like speed and crystal meth). It is a stimulant and will provide a rush that can feel like jitters or anxiety, particularly during the come-up phase (which usually takes about 30 to 60 minutes).
This anxiety fades into a sense of euphoria and happiness. Stress, fear, and pain melt away, leaving a sense of bliss. MDMA is labeled an empathogen because it enhances a person’s sense of empathy. It enhances the sense of touch; even a gentle graze on fingers on the arm feels extremely pleasant. Music and light and colors are enhanced, though it can also blur the vision (especially screens) and creates halos around lights.
All of this is intensified the more that is consumed.
To be very basic about it, MDMA causes a huge release of serotonin and increases oxytocin and vasopressin. Which is a fancy way of saying it makes you feel good.
Or as Alexander Shulgin wrote in his book PiHKAL: “I feel absolutely clean inside, and there is nothing but pure euphoria. I have never felt so great, or believed this to be possible.”
Low Doses
At low doses (for us, that would be in the 90 mg to 120 mg range), these experiences are mild. Rolling (as it is called when someone is in an MDMA experience) on a low dose would hardly be noticeable to outside observers and would seem little different than a gentle alcohol buzz.
You could be out in public on it, and no one would be the wiser.
High Doses
On large doses (for us, that would be in the 200+ range), it can be difficult to hold a thought. Erin and I have both had times where we’ve trailed off mid-sentence having forgotten what we were intending to say. She’s even gotten to the point of saying nonsensical sentences: all the words made sense in the order she said them, but the statement had no meaning in the context of the conversation.
It would likely be obvious if someone was on a high dose of MDMA. It could still be confused with being drunk…though I don’t think that would be likely. Balance isn’t quite as altered. Speaking wouldn’t be slurred the same way. General behavior would be much more..um…gropy and grindy.
We find somewhere in between these ranges to be the sweet spot.
What Are the Dangers?
The biggest danger of taking MDMA is that what you are taking might not be MDMA—or not just MDMA. Pressed pills often contain adulterants and additives, some of which can be toxic. According to some reports, 40% to 50% of MDMA tested wasn’t MDMA at all. Legalization and regulation would help protect people from being sold tainted substances. Until then, always test your supply.
MDMA is one of the safe substances you can take (assuming you are taking MDMA). Much more so than alcohol (cause most things are). You can overheat, dehydrate, overhydrate. MDMA can cause painful jaw clenching or nausea. But most of these side effects can be avoided by starting light and learning your dosage.
Some people experience an unpleasant comedown from MDMA. Erin and I don’t, so I can’t speak to this. But as I understand it, it’s a result of returning rapidly to a normal state from a state of euphoria. Like how you can feel glum when coming home from vacation or the day after an intense sexual experience.
There is also a phenomenon known as Suicide Tuesday, which is often attributed to a depletion of serotonin catching up to you a couple days after rolling. Recent studies suggest this MDMA hangover (as we call it) is mostly a result of interrupted sleep patterns (because it’s a stimulant), dehydration (because so many people dance hard and likely having alcohol) and improper nutrition (because you don’t eat on MDMA).
Keep your doses reasonable and be mindful of nutrition, and you might have a healthy and joyful afterglow rather than a crash.
What About Addiction?
MDMA seems to be less addictive than many other substances. Though, if you read Dr. Carl Hart’s book Drug Use for Grown-Ups, you might be shocked about the research behind addiction and how many of the substances that have been vilified by law enforcement aren’t nearly as ruinous as we’ve been led to believe.
Still, I can understand how the sensation of euphoria can be appealing to people who are not in a great place in life in general. Psychologically it can be appealing to want to take a pill and let all your problems disappear for a few hours. But that’s also a form of self-care. Most of us don’t sit in stew in our stress; we look for outlets, be they exercise, meditation, sex, or drugs (legal or not).
I advocate for being mindful about recreation substance use.
MDMA depletes serotonin, and repeated uses give diminishing returns. After a while, there’s just not much left in the tank. Which would feel awful—an unavoidable Suicide Tuesday in this case. It takes weeks (supposedly; there’s not a lot of research on this) for serotonin levels to be restored fully. In this way, it’s self-limiting. Not to say people can’t and don’t go on multi-day binges or roll weekly, but it’s harder to do on MDMA than other substances.
Sex and MDMA: Molly Is the Best Unicorn
Of all the substances I have been on while having sex, MDMA is one of my favorites. Even on a low to moderate dose, the physical sensation of sex is just incredible! Molly increases the sensitivity of any touch. A gentle graze on the arm is lovely. Fingers caressing the scalp…amazing! Massages and skin caressing…blissful!
Take that into sexual groping and play, and it’s just some of the most pleasurable sex can be. (And you don’t have to take my word for it.)
Not that it diminishes how great sober sex is. I recall hearing stories (lies!) in high school warning us from ever having sex on ecstasy because sober sex wouldn’t be worthwhile again.
But the greatly increased pleasure isn’t the only reason MDMA is great for sex. MDMA also lowers inhibitions and increases empathy and emotional connection. When rolling, I feel free to express my desires free of shame or guilt. I know that Erin will accept my revelations without judging me because I feel that same acceptance of anything she tells me. Never have we been so open with each other as we are on MDMA.
The Sex Is Great Because the Experience Leading Up to It Is Great
Many users find that MDMA can cause old memories to surface (which is one of the reasons it is good for treating PTSD in clinical situations). We’ve found that we’ll recall small events from high school, things we noticed and liked about each other before we even started dating, and we just feel compelled to share these memories when it comes to mind. Which as you can imagine, leads to very sweet and romantic sharing that makes us feel very loving toward each other.
We’ll also share fantasies we’ve been having or talk about recent sexual exploits and what we liked and didn’t like about them. I might talk about the porn I’ve been watching; Erin will describe the erotica she’s enjoyed and what about it turns her on.
When we first started taking Molly, we’d been married nearly 10 years, but it wasn’t easy for us to just talk openly about our kinks, desires, and what we’d like to experiment with in the bedroom. We do that while rolling on Molly. With that kind of foreplay, obviously the sex is amazing!
And I must add, we’ve gotten much better over the years of being open about those things because we had so much positive reinforcement while in the safe space created by Molly. As we learned more about ourselves and about each other while rolling, and the more we saw that our kinky revelations just turned each other on, we came to understand there was need to be embarrassed or feel ashamed to talk about anything.
Sometimes, it’s still just easier to say certain things while rolling. But we developed much better communication in our day-to-day life because of our MDMA experiences.
Sex and MDMA: Molly Is the Biggest Cockblocker Ever
Although MDMA will make just about anyone feel amazing, energized, empathetic, and like everyone around them is a trusted friend, that kind of loving connection doesn’t always equate to sexual feelings.
Pretty much every drug experience makes me horny. Even psychedelics, though I’m likely to forget I’m horny before I can do anything about it.
Erin on the other hand might just feel very floaty and cuddly. She wants to be kissed and hugged and caressed, and maybe she’s really enjoying the feel of my hard, hot, throbbing cock pressing against her as I give her a back massage…but she doesn’t want it inside her. It’s like she’s too relaxed to want penetration. (Perhaps she can add on here.)
Erin: I think you described it pretty well. When I am feeling very comfortable and relaxed on MDMA, penetrative sex can feel a bit jarring. Sometimes when I do feel like having sex, I will ask you to go really slowly. Those sensations are so amazing! But usually I don’t want the jostling, vigorous sex that I normally like.
We have friends with whom we have rolled a few times, and the guy in that couple is amazed we want to have sex on it at all. He describes it as being very sensual but not sexual. He can look at his wife and she’s just radiantly beautiful and he feels totally and completely in love with her. But that doesn’t equate to wanting to have sex.
And Even if You Want to Fuck, Molly Can Be a Bitch
Molly can adversely affect people’s physical ability to have sex. Some guys cannot get hard on even a light dose of MDMA even with the use of erectile aids like Viagra or Cialis.
Me? One of the ways I can tell when the MDMA is finally kicking in is that I start to get hard. A fact that amused the friends who introduced us to Molly to no end that first time. During that first experience, I described the come-up experience as feeling a warmth slowly flowing from the top of my head down my body, and when it got to my groin, I started getting hard. We had a lovely little laugh, and the other husband joked, “Tons of people can’t even get it up while rolling. Of course it gives Shane a hardon!”
That’s on a light dose. On moderate doses, I can get hard but it can be difficult to maintain without the use of Viagra. Though with Viagra, rock solid for hours.
On high doses, I might not be able to get hard at all, and even with Viagra, it can be fickle. It’s also very difficult to concentrate on doses that high—the mindspace becomes more floaty and psychedelic. Despite how orgasmic every little touch feels, it’s easy to lose focus.
But Wait…There’s More!
Molly is also notorious for hampering orgasms. Neither Erin nor I can climax even on light doses. Which can be awesome, sure, because if the mood is right, we can—and have—fucked vigorously for hours.
It’s not even a frustrating level of not being able to cum. It’s not like being right on the edge and being denied the final peak. There’s no tease to it. The best I can describe it is that the sex is AMAZING! But the orgasm never builds. Not even a stirring of “If I just keep this up, I’ll eventually get there!”
An effect that can persist into the next day. We’ve woken from a blissful night of cuddling and gentle sex super horny and looking for release only to discover there’s still no chance of cumming just yet. I think at most this had lasted about 12 hours after the experience was over.
Not everyone has this orgasm issue. Our friend Leia can have multiple orgasms while rolling, and as I recall, she said they were all spectacular.
Sex and MDMA: Molly the Swinger
We were first introduced to Molly by our friends B and K, who were experienced MDMA users. We flew out to California to hang out with them for the weekend knowing that we were going to try Molly with them. They are also the first couple we ever had any swap/group-play experience with, so we went into this weekend under the pretext something was likely to happen between all of us. At the very least, same-room parallel play. But we knew full swap was on the table. And that ended up being our first ever full-swap experience. Molly really helped us out there, and she’s helped us integrate and express ourselves with each other after lifestyle experiences.
However, I would be remiss if I didn’t point to our cautionary tale about how MDMA made us overly confident in our ability to swap. If you use Molly as a crutch to help relax into and enjoy lifestyle experiences, don’t be surprised when lifestyle experiences don’t go well without Molly as your third.
What If Molly Is Necessary?
I’ve heard that some people will only play with others if they are rolling. That on MDMA they don’t feel jealous but rather they love and are turned on by seeing their partner with someone else. That they can only relax and enjoy group sex if Molly helps them through.
I have no issue with people using MDMA that way personally. I don’t think that is a sign of problems in the core relationship or that the person doesn’t actually want to swing and they are only doing it because they are on drugs.
It’s a form of self-medication, no different than alcohol or weed. Most swingers seem to want—if not need—at least a little bit of intoxication of some kind to get the ball rolling. The only reason MDMA is demonized over alcohol or weed is because it’s illegal and not well understood by people who have never experienced it.
Fake Connections
We are social swingers, which means we like to establish friendships and make connections with people before initiating any kind of play. We rarely play on the first date, and even then, it’s limited to soft swap only. Erin is a bit demi-sexual in that she needs to have a connection with someone to feel aroused. Though the idea of wild anonymous sex might be a sexy fantasy, it just does not pan out in reality.
If we took Molly at a club (which we’ve not done), we’d be the life of the party. I’d be flirty and able to accept people flirting with me. Erin wouldn’t be stuck in her own head, feeling shy and exposed. We could easily hit it off with some people, feel deeply connected with them, and go into the playrooms and full swap with them. And we’d likely come away from that experience feeling great about it, even the next day, because it would be a great experience. Molly doesn’t make you think something is a good time. She makes it a good time!
But if we meet that couple the following week at the club, and we’re not on MDMA, then we won’t feel that connection. We might not be comfortable playing with them at all let alone full swapping.
Molly forged a fake connection. There’s nothing wrong with that, and that’s one reason people use Molly to assist them in the lifestyle. It’s just something people should be aware of when taking MDMA.
Too Deep a Connection
A thing that people might be concerned about is Molly causing too deep a connection or generating fake feelings. After all, I spent paragraphs saying how deeply connected Erin and I feel when rolling and how that makes sex while rolling so incredible. What if MDMA creates that same connection between Erin and some other guy she’s fucking?
The level of connection seems directly proportional to the connection we already have. I might be able to talk and dance and flirt with a random stranger as if we were friends, even close friends. My love and connection to close friends becomes even deeper and stronger. And the feeling I have with my wife is unparalleled. Even if she’s having sex with someone else, Molly is enhancing my feeling of being in love and connected with her throughout. More-so than it’s creating a fake, deep connection to whomever I’m with at the time.
There’s no hit to the intimacy meter between us. And it’s not creating feelings of love or deep intimacy with other people.
I think it has improved our friendships with those friends with whom we’ve rolled, both vanilla and lifestyle. But it always deepens our relationship more, whether we take it in a group or just the two of us.
And That, at Last, Is Sex and MDMA!
It took us two years to finally get this post out. Whew! Hopefully you enjoyed it. If you have questions, feel free to leave a comment, hit us up on Twitter, or email us. If you have your tales of partying with Molly, whether at a rave, festival, lifestyle event, or just in the privacy of your own home, we’d love to hear it.
We truly believe MDMA has improved our relationship at a fundamental level. We wouldn’t be as comfortable and fulfilled and kinky as we are now had we not invited Molly into our lives. And that’s why we started this blog in the first place. To help normalize substance use and help others understand the potential of some of these substances.
We don’t think that taking MDMA is for everyone. But we do think it shouldn’t be kept from anyone who wants to experience this level of deep love, connection, joy, and pleasure with your partner and with the world.