Credit where it is due: The origination for this post lies not with me but rather a DM sent to me by Phoebe of Swinger University some months ago. (Yes, I’ve always been cool like that with the Swing U Crew. Why would you think otherwise?) The discussion hadn’t started around the term MILF, but any conversation with me tends to coddiwomple in strange directions across a variety of topics. T’is an individual’s tolerance for such random inane, diversions that dictates how much that person will enjoy engaging verbally with me. It was the commonality of our childlessness that led us to MILF energy.
MILFness is prevalent throughout the lifestyle. I don’t mean because of all the hot moms (though that too!). It’s in theme nights or mentioned in profiles and the like. One of our local lifestyle venues, The Private Affair (TPA), holds an annual MILF contest—and recently added a DILF contest to celebrate the sexy dads out there. Cause guys need the boost, too.
So let’s have a little chat about MILFdom. For this particular discussion, I’m willfully ignoring the articles I read that suggested that MILF was an insult or misogynistic. I get that there will always be people who don’t like certain terms, but I’ve never thought MILF as anything other than a compliment. I hold it in high regard, somewhere around slut.
But if you want an alternative to MILF, maybe mombshell will work for you. As in, “Oh damn! Check out the mombshell on the dance floor!”
MILF: For Some a Decision, for Others a Tragedy
TPA’s definition of MILF is about as inclusive as you can get: biological children, adoption, stepchildren, foster children, they allow for the lot! Hell, I don’t doubt they’d admit someone who was a mentor to a child through the Big Sister program. And I like that about TPA!
But as inclusive as TPA is, some ladies are excluded. Erin for one. I believe Phoebe would exclude herself as well, not having had her own (but as I recall Ed does from a previous marriage, so she could go in as a stepmom if she felt that was appropriate).
Neither Erin nor I care about Erin being excluded from that contest; it’s antithetical to her nature to do.
We made the choice to not have kids. That concept does not cause us pain. Hell, we five-high about it after being around our friends’ kids for an extended time, and for the most part, we like all of our friends’ kids.
Other couples never got that choice. There are women who dreamed all their lives about being mothers, and for whatever reason will never have the opportunity. And now in a community of close friends, the greatest disappointment of her life, her childlessness, is discluding her from participating in this event.
That sucks.
So when Phoebe challenged me to come up with an equivalent sexy label for child-free ladies, I was all for the challenge!
The M in MILF…
Of course, Erin steals all the thunder on this one. As soon as I mention the challenge to her, she just says, “Why not change the M to stand for Mature?”
Phoebe and I agreed that was a good answer. More for self-thinking really; we weren’t expecting this to change everyone’s usage of MILF!
But in future discussions, Erin and I thought maybe this wasn’t a good shift. Because the M in MILF matters, and thinking of it as Mature lessens it. Not every mature woman had that MILFesqueness, much of which seems cultivated through mothering. The term draws attention to and celebrates the many things that mothers have to go through, the very things that they might feel make them less appealing: the changes to the body through pregnancy, the self-sacrifice of parenting that leaves so many mothers exhausted, and the veneer of wholesomeness that society seems to require because a mom with sexual desires…I don’t know…isn’t giving enough of herself to motherhood?
The judgment and dare I say scorn that can pop up against mothers in society is simply unconscionable!
If you believe that MILF is a diss, then you might be reading it as “I don’t normally find mom-bods attractive, but that one right there, I’d do her, I guess.” I think of it more like, “As attractive as I find her, the fact that she’s a mom just adds to the appeal!” I think is less about she’s hot even though she’s a mom and much more that she’s hot because she’s a mom. Being a mother is necessary to the term. We can’t change that!
But Is Being a Mother Enough to Be a MILF?
I had agreed with Erin when she offered mature because the MILF label implies an age condition even if the acronym (not an initialism!) does not. We don’t see examples of it applying to younger moms. My guess as to why is that society already puts value on youth. A mom in her twenties might not be feeling the gravity of being a mom as it relates to her sexual appeal.
Or maybe it’s not her youth so much as the identity of being a mom hasn’t overtaken her pre-mom identity yet. She can still tap into her pre-mom self whereas a mother ten or more years down the road might have more trouble doing so.
I don’t think there’s a set time or age when a mother develops MILFinessitudity. It’s an energy that many ladies cultivate during motherhood by being a mother. A metamorphosis of the Divine Feminine from Maiden to Mother. And it is sexy as fuck! Erin herself has a decent smattering of this from being second-mother to a few of her younger siblings.
Not to say that every mother exudes this energy. Nor does not exuding such a vibe suggest anything about their abilities as a mother. Perhaps it says more about their ability to leave that nature at home and instead tap back into the Maiden aspect.
Erin noted that this comes across more like fun-aunt energy. A bit wilder; less protective and nurturing.
Back to the Drawing Board
We realized we shouldn’t be tampering with the term MILF, taking the mother out of it. The mother is the point! The word celebrates and highlights all the amazing and sexy qualities that being a mother brings to the table. I unearthed a couple of terms that try to capture the same essence but without motherhood. I’m not a fan of either.
Cougar doesn’t work in my opinion. There’s a predatory nature in the expression that doesn’t jive with the goal, here. And I think cougar implies that the lady in question is purposefully seeking much younger men. Which I have no issue with ladies doing. But as I learned during my deep dive into Magic Mike II, Andie MacDowell does not like the term cougar, and that’s enough for me.
I discovered the term WHIP (Women who are Hot, Intelligent, and in their Prime), but I’ve issues with it. First, there are a lot of judgment calls in there. I’ve seen too many people ask if a woman needs to be hot and a wife to be a hotwife for me to think WHIP won’t be just as scrutinized. (Not that such scrutiny gets applied to the -ILF in MILF.) Second, whips exist and are used during sex; the term shouldn’t imply dominatrix energy. Third—and this is for my benefit because it’s the type of thing that will confuse me—if someone were to say “She’s a real whip!”, I’m going to take that to mean she’s clever, a shortening of whipsmart. Or I might think she works in politics. Really depends on how my brain is working that night.
If you know the term I seek, leave a comment below or @ me on Twitter. Or else I’m making one up.
Happy Mother’s Day, You Sexy MILFs!
To the ladies out there with the big MILF energy (how so ever you’ve claimed and display it): I hope the love and joy you gave to your children is returned to you tenfold on Mother’s Day. If (or maybe that should be when) you feel that being a mom has robbed you of your sexiness, know that it has not. Your appeal has not dwindled but rather changed into something just as powerful and enchanting. And that is worthy of praise.
It might not feel like it, given what is shown time and again in TV shows and movies, but there are plenty of guys who see the goddess within and would love nothing more than to show you just how sexy you are. You deserve that and so much more.
But at the same time, I’d like to acknowledge those women who have been denied through circumstance the chance to be mothers themselves and those who don’t have a wholesome relationship with their own mothers. Remember that this holiday can be painful for some women so let’s make space for everyone to process the day as they see fit.