I figure this post will be something fun and a little different from what I usually do. I’m going to take some words and analyze their meaning to a fault. Specifically, I’m going to examine the common swinger term soft swap, but it’s almost impossible to define soft swap without also looking at the term full swap.
What do you mean this is nothing new, and I’m always prattling on about word meaning?
Oh. Huh. I guess you are correct.
But I do want to clarify before anyone comes at me with a “who died and made you the king of words?”
Any time I define something, I am not making a decree. What I’m doing is sharing my understanding of words by how I have experienced them being used. No one made me the king of words. I don’t even think it of myself. But I tend to find I’m more interested in words and their use than many people.
Besides, if anyone was the ruler of words, it would be the Queen of Words Susie Dent, and I would gladly bow at her feet.
Anyway, on with the show!
Don’t You Have a Glossary for This?
Yes, and that’s a fair point well made, but this is me showing my work. And I will adjust my definitions there based on what I work out here.
Erin and I both came to understand and use these two expressions through swinger websites like SLS, Kasidie, and Double Date Nation. They are often used in profiles to describe what sexual activities a couple is comfortable performing with others. Some swinger dating sites use these terms as part of the profile creation process.
Which means they must have clear definitions, right?
Eh…not so much it seems.
Soft swap has always been the more nebulous of the two, so it’s easier to understand and define soft swap by comparing it to full swap.
Full swap is generally understood to mean penetrative sex of the penis into the vagina or anus. That’s how I used to define it in the glossary.
Therefore, soft swap tends to include everything up to the point of penetrative sex. So it’s a catch all of everything else swap-related that isn’t full swap. And that’s how I used to define it in the glossary.
But That All Changed Recently
Erin and I have had a lot of long conversations about our playstyle recently. I won’t repeat that here except to say we always had difficulty labeling ourselves as either a full swap or soft swap. Sometimes we had full swaps that went great. Sometimes we had soft swaps that didn’t work so well. We realized our limits aren’t actually based on the activity but rather a general perception of comfort and intimacy between us. Therefore, defining our limits with expressions that are only talking about permissible actions doesn’t really work for us.
However, these words are in the swinger lexicon. We need to use the jargon of the lifestyle to communicate with other swingers. These expressions are built into some swinging dating sites. We can’t just not use them. Besides, even if they aren’t exactly right, we can use the terms to define an environment that is likely to work for us.
Challenges to Full Swap
One of the challenges that came at my definition of full swap was from the Sapphic Swingers Tiff and Rachel. As you can see, I used very hetero-normative language in my definition. Because of that, my definition implied full swap is only possible if a man fucks a woman. Or another man. technically. They rightly asked if it’s full swap if a woman uses a strap-on on another woman.
I could (and probably will) do an entire blog about the hetero-normative assumptions of swinging, like the idea that even if women don’t mention they are bisexual or seeking same-sex play, they are still generally comfortable with at least some level of play with other women. Or that it is OK for women to grope men (and even other women) without establishing consent.
I’m not suggesting these are universally true. Only that I have seen and heard stories about these things happening.
Tiff and Rachel made me realize just how often I fall into those assumptions (like that most of our readers are heterosexual, gender-binary couples). I need to be more vigilant about that. And I hope my new definitions reflect that understanding.
Playing the Logic Puzzle
That said, I don’t define words in isolation. I cannot form an understanding of full swap without comparing it to soft swap. Like when I broke down what the term drug free and showed why it’s so generic to be meaningless. But it is also possible to examine what I think people want to convey when they use drug free as a description.
It’s the same with full swap. I had an understanding of what I felt it meant: everything “beyond” soft swap.
I considered what limits people who use the term soft swap probably want to convey to potential partners. After all, if soft swap is used to mean everything up to full swap, then we must consider what people who use the term soft swap want to get from their play.
And then full swap is everything else.
So even though we have to define full swap to have a definition of soft swap, we also need to understand what’s intended as part of swap soft to define full swap.
Ouroboros anyone?
Or maybe the Auryn, but that bears the inscription “Do What You Wish” and that’s the worst thing to say when talking about swapping rules.
Yes, I just made a Neverending Story reference. You are welcome!
Let’s Define Soft Swap
This is where things get tricky. (THIS is where it gets tricky?)
Of all the swinger vocab I’ve seen, soft swap is the one that has had the greatest disparity in usage. I’ve heard stories of people who have used soft swap mean any of the following:
- Kissing only
- Clothes-on play
- Touching of genitals up to but excluding oral sex
- Everything is fine except actual penis penetration into the vagina or anus
That’s quite a range of interpretations. However, that last is the usage I’ve seen the most. And it seems fairly straightforward. There is only one action that makes play full swap instead of soft swap: penetration with a penis.
But is it really that cut and dry? When a couple says they are soft swap only, do they actually mean only penile penetration is off limits? Or is there a gap between definition and intention?
Anything But the Penis?
Should it be assumed that toy insertion is allowed? A dildo is not a penis, but some are realistic facsimiles.
At this point, judgement could be made about the type of toy and that insertion is permissible unless it’s a realistic penis-shaped dildo. But then who judges the realism factor?
But even if realistic-looking dildos are OK, what about using a strap-on? Now we’ve added the thrusting motion and thigh-on-thigh contact. That’s more intimate than just holding a dildo in hand, isn’t it? And isn’t that perception of intimacy why some couples are soft swap only?
Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like a soft swap only couple would not be comfortable if another guy used a strap-on or a penis extension toy or even just held a dildo against his crotch and used that on the lady instead of his own cock. I don’t think it’s about a biological flesh stick being inserted but rather the full body appearance of sexual intercourse.
I would not be surprised if there are couples out there who use any one of those methods because they don’t want another guy’s cock penetrating the lady’s vagina, but they do want to simulate sexual intercourse, and that’s the work around. Simulated hotwifing. I’m not knocking it.
I think that’s its own genre of play and most couples who say they are soft swap aren’t comfortable with simulated intercourse.
Beyond Simulated Intercourse
Let’s remove phallus-shaped devices all together. What about fisting? Is nonpenetrative outercourse allowed? Rimming? Nosing? VFBing? Teabagging?
(I might have made one of those up.)
These depend on the couple. Which is why it is always best to discover your potential playmates’ limits in as much detail as possible before you get naked with them. And to keep checking in during play before moving on to something new. Just because they are cool with certain acts, that doesn’t mean they are currently in the mood.
But the point of this exercise is to figure out which actions likely meant to be permissible under the umbrella of soft swap and which should be an assumed no.
Nonpenetrative Outercourse as an Example
If soft swap is understood to include everything that isn’t full swap, then that must mean naked genital-on-genital outercourse is also within the soft swap realm.
But is that what people who use soft swap as a descriptor mean to convey?
I can see how a guy running his cock up and down a woman’s pussy and clit would be a step outside the comfort zone of couples who have defined their play limit to soft swap only. Especially when you consider the question of whether this activity would require a condom given there is genital-on-genital contact.
After all, I would assume a limit of “no oral” on a guy wouldn’t just mean “no cock in between lips” (oral intercourse) but would also include no licking or kissing the cock either (oral outercourse).
I took a poll on Twitter (how scientific!). Of the 26 responses I received, only 58% said yes, they think that outercourse counts as soft swap.
I posed the question to Erin about whether she thought outercourse was permissible during soft swap. As I said, we both understood soft swap to include everything up to full swap/penetrative sex. And she responded just as I thought she would: Sure, outercourse would be soft swap.
To which I replied, “So if we were in a scenario that we agreed would be soft swap only, you would be OK with me having outercourse with the other lady?”
After a moment of consideration, she admitted that she would not.
Which is what I expected her to say when I posed the question because I now have a better understanding of what she’s comfortable with.
Two Distinct Uses of Soft Swap
As I said, Erin and I learned the phrase soft swap early on when making our first swinger profile. We understood it to mean “We like to do anything except full swap (i.e., penetrative sex).”
But there’s another way to look at it. It could mean “We’re not OK with penetrative sex.”
There’s a big difference between those two things. The first implies comfort with a whole lot of sexual contact. The second is only giving information about one specific action and says nothing about everything else.
So which is it?
Making Assumptions
I think that the second definition is so nonspecific as to be useless. There would be little point to putting that in a swinger profile. Saying “No full swap” conveys the same meaning.
For soft swap to be a useful descriptor, it must either define activities that are acceptable, define activities that are not acceptable, or both.
I’m trying to make these words easier to use and understand. That means I’m painting with a wide brush and being overly general in my definitions.
If there is one absolute in all of this, it’s that soft swap does not include penis penetration but that full swap does. We have a great starting point there. It’s easy to separate along that line.
And because I want to be general, I’m going to divide across all vaginal and anal penetration—toys and fingers included.
So what about the nonpenetrative outercourse?
I’m struggling with this one.
It would be clearer if my distinction between them was penetration. That’s easy and concrete. And I have no problems with making that distinction myself: “We’re only soft swapping, and no outercourse either.”
However, I can’t help but feel that naked genital-on-genital contact is too close to penetrative sex in the intimacy of contact (the penis is rubbing against the vulva and vagina opening rather than the vagina interior, but it’s still touching the vagina).
I feel like it’s best to err on the side of caution, so I’m placing naked genital-to-genital contact under full swap.
Final Definitions
These are how I understand these terms. I showed my work. I explained how these distinctions are based on assumptions I am making about comfort levels and intentions of usage. Assumptions that very well could be wrong.
You might not like these definitions. Maybe they are too rigid. Or they just don’t match how you’ve seen the words used. That’s fine. I’m not trying to get every swinger out there using my definitions.
But here is where I finally landed for my personal understanding and usage of the terms soft swap and full swap:
Soft swap: A swinger playstyle designation that implies comfort with sexual interactions that include oral sex and manual stimulation of genitals but not genital-on-genital contact or sexual penetration with people outside the main relationship.
Full swap: A swinger playstyle designation that implies comfort with having genital-on-genital contact and full penetrative sexual interactions with people outside the main relationship.
Caveat 1: Anal
Anything involving anal play is a subsect of soft or full swap and should never be assumed to be allowed.
Someone who performs anal penetration is participating in a full swap action, but that doesn’t mean everyone who is cool with full swap is good with the buttsex. Similarly, a couple who is down with rimming can be soft swap only, but not all soft swap couples like having their asses licked.
It’s that whole “a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square” thing we learned in middle school.
Despite its prevalence in porn, never assume butt-stuff is on the table.
Caveat 2: Gender Interactions
Even though I decided to make no distinction between which gender is doing what to another gender in my definitions, I feel like assumptions can be made based on the configuration of the relationship of people with whom I am interacting.
Which means, if Erin and I are speaking with a man-and-woman couple, we should assume only man-and-woman interaction during play. If Erin and I are speaking with Tiff and Rachel, we can assume I don’t enter into the equation unless they decide to let me watch and occasionally bring them whatever toys, beverages, and towels they need.
I know it is often assumed in the lifestyle that girl-on-girl play is permissible, but I feel like that’s a terrible assumption to make. I’ve seen complaints from women about that on forums and in discussion groups. Other ladies will start kissing and touching them without checking.
If a couple is specifically looking for the ladies to get it on, that should be mentioned in the before-sex talk or in a dating profile.
Similarly, I know there are soft-swap couples out there who would not only be comfortable with but would actively invite penetrative sex from another female or with toys in general. Awesome! I approve. But again, that should be thought of as an exception to soft swap not a given.
I think it best to assume that if a man-and-woman couple say they are full swap, that only means they are comfortable with the man being with another woman and the woman being with another man. We have additional expressions like bi-comfortable and bi-curious to throw into the mix if we want any kind of same-sex interactions.
Let’s use our words!
Caveat 3: Kinky/Rough Sex
Never assume you are allowed to engage in anything kinky even if you know the couple enjoys that kind of thing between them.
Erin likes it a bit rough from me. She likes spanks and slaps and being choked…by me. She’d be less comfortable with it from someone else. Especially if it just comes out of nowhere. If she’s in the mood and the trust is there, then ask. She will say yes if that’s what she wants.
It’s also good to check with both members of another couple before going to the kink side. Even though one says they are comfortable being kinked on (yes, I just verbed kink. You are welcome!), the other might not yet be ready for their significant other to be kinked on.
Yes, technically that would be Their Problem, but let’s keep swinging classy.
Caveat 4: Kissing
I think it is safe to say that kissing is assumed as part of soft swap play. Most couples who aren’t comfortable with kissing add “no kissing allowed” to their profile or put it out there early in the discussion.
What Was the Point?
I already said I’m not trying to change the swinger lexicon. Not that I think I could if I were trying. So why the tedious look at word usage?
I enjoyed it. And considering how few people will make it to this point in this post, I feel secure in saying I write for my enjoyment more than for my readers.
But the actual point was to show that these words aren’t well defined or well understood within the group of people using them. Each of us might think we have a good grasp of what they mean, but upon examination, there could be gaps.
Also there could be a large discrepancy between what the phrase actually implies and what the users of the phrase mean to imply. And that gap could be the difference between a good experience and a bad one.
I’m not saying these phrases aren’t useful starting points. They are mainstays of swinger jargon, baked into the coding of some dating sites and matching algorithms. These terms aren’t going anywhere. Nor should they. These types of labels are useful for quickly conveying specific information when brevity is needed.
But playstyles are too diverse to distill down into two words (or four if you want to include same room/separate room).
If you are using these terms in your profile or when you talk to other people, make sure that you and your significant other (if applicable) know what you mean when you use them. And understand how easy it is for other people to be using them differently.
The shorthand is there to get the ball rolling.