“What is a proper swinger?” The Bed Hoppers posed this question on their Twitter a few weeks back when a conversation brought up the concept that “You’re not a proper swinger unless….” The proper in there makes it funny because it calls to mind good manners and polite discourse. But beyond that humor, there is the underlying question: “What is the definition of swinger?” Or perhaps a better way to phrase it: “Is there an entry point to being a swinger?”
Many of the responses suggest no, there is no categorical definition of swinger or swinging. Anyone can be a swinger if they say they are a swinger. Or not a swinger if they say they are not.
That concept bothers me. I’m a writer, copyeditor, and proofreader. I don’t like being so laissez-faire with the meaning of words. If a word has no boundaries, it has no meaning, and so it has no value.
If you read the whole thread on Twitter, then you know where I’m going with this post. But I figured I could more easily sum it and explain it here. And I’ll throw in a few extra examples to bolster my argument.
Without further ado, let’s get controversial!
Labels: Boy Can They Be Helpful
Imagine, if you would, a pantry stocked with mason jars filled with pickles. Each of the jars is identical. Which means you don’t know what you are going to get when you have a pickle. Were those cucumbers fermented with garlic and dill? Or is that the batch that has the ghost peppers? Maybe that jar has some bell peppers and onions in it too, and that other one beets and green beans, and those aren’t fermented in a brine, they were pickled in vinegar and aren’t even shelf-stable so you can’t eat those, they’ve been at room temperature far too long!
Why yes, I do make my own pickles. How did you know?
Labels are useful because they help to quickly identify certain baseline attributes of a thing. Having a pickle shelf versus a jam shelf makes it easy to just grab a mason jar without looking. Having labels that show whether I decided to make a jar of pickles unbearably spicy will certainly save someone’s taste buds.
Labels become bad when people base their opinions on an overly broad one and apply that idea to all things in that category. “I don’t like pickles,” for instance, is an overly broad statement considering the variety of flavors pickles can come in. In a grocery store, you might only be exposed to three or four kinds (mostly it’s two in my area: sweet or dill), but there’s a whole world of flavor out there to explore!
Swinging Is Like Pickles
When I say pickle, most people in the United States probably have a very clear idea of what I mean: A cucumber that’s been pickled. From my experience, many people seem to think this inherently involves vinegar, but that’s not true. The process itself is known as pickling, and you can actually pickle a lot more than just cucumbers. In fact, one method by which food becomes pickled is via the process of lactic acid fermentation, which is the same process by which cabbage becomes sauerkraut.
Why yes, I do make my own sauerkraut. How did you know?
But did you know you can also pickle metal? Yes, pickling refers to the process of using an acid compound to remove stains, rust, and scale.
Why yes, I do practice blacksmithing and swordplay. How did you know?
My point for this analogy is that there’s a whole hell of a lot under the umbrella term pickle that goes just beyond slices of cucumber suspended in slightly greenish fluid.
And there is a whole hell of a lot under the umbrella term swinging than just having sex with someone who isn’t your romantic partner.
That said, there are a whole lot of things that aren’t pickles just as there are a whole lot of things that aren’t swinging.
There has to be a distinction or else everything, including a Twinkie, is a pickle. And we don’t want that. That would be confusing.
Defining Swinger
My beloved Merriam-Webster defines swinger thusly:
Swinger: one that swings: such as
- a: a person who is lively, exciting, and fashionable
- b: one who engages freely in sex
B certainly covers it, doesn’t it? People who engage freely in sex are a large swathe of the population. By this definition almost everyone is either a swinger or a prude, with maybe a small group who engage in sex relatively easily but with a slight hesitation just to preserve a sense of modesty.
As much as I love Merriam-Webster, for the purposes of this post I’ll use the following definition, which I constructed based upon my understanding of how the terms is most often used and what people most often infer. Your mileage may vary.
A swinger is someone who seeks to engage in sexual activity with at least one person with whom they do not have a romantic relationship and with the permission of everyone with whom they have a romantic relationship.
By this definition, you are not a swinger if
- You’re not seeking sexual activity outside of a romantic relationship
- You’re cheating (i.e, you do not have permission to engage in sexual activity)
Examples
Four single people randomly meet at a bar. None of them know any of the others; four total strangers. But they all have a great time and go back to one of their apartments for a night of wild, crazy swapping fun. It’s an all out orgy, but they aren’t swinging. They are just four single people having group sex.
These four people get along so well that they end up dating each other and being exclusive. That’s a polyamorous relationship. Not swinging.
Or another example: A couple, let’s call them…Jeff and Karen, goes to a lifestyle club, drinks in all the sexy vibes, grinds all up ons each other, and get all horny for one another because of the atmosphere. But they have no intention of engaging with anyone other than each other. Not swingers.
Oh, and I don’t think I need an example of this, but if someone is in a relationship and is looking for some side action by posing as a single (or as a couple but the other person in the couple doesn’t know about the dating profile), that’s just cheating. You aren’t a swinger if you don’t have some level of permission to be doing what you are doing.
Intention Is Key
Just because someone currently doesn’t have a romantic relationship doesn’t mean they can’t be a swinger. If there was a swinger couple who broke up, that doesn’t mean they individually stop being swingers until they are in another relationship…so long as they still identify as someone who would seek sexual activity outside of a romantic relationship.
For example, let us compare two single guys, Alan and Bill.
Alan goes to swinger clubs and house parties (whenever single guys are allowed). He’s played bull to several vixens and cuckolded his share of other men. As long as he’s single, he’s out there getting his kick on with other guys’ wives and girlfriends. However, as soon as he has a girlfriend, he’s out. No more playing around. He knows he couldn’t handle his girlfriend being with another guy, and he doesn’t think his kinky ways would make him a good boyfriend. For as long as he’s in a relationship, no sexual activity with other people. Alan is not a swinger.
Bill, on the other hand, just got out of a long-term relationship, and he’s not ready to date. Nor is he really in the mood to play around. Being the single guy is a lot of work, and he just doesn’t have the time or energy to put into cultivating those relationships right now. He might be up for the occasional one-night stand—maybe even a super casual threesome with a couple if it just happened to come up. But he knows when he’s ready to get back into the dating game, he wants to find a girl who’s looking to explore ethical nonmonogamy, cause that’s just his bag, baby! Even though he’s single and barely sexually active, Bill’s a swinger.
Defining Sexual Activity
I used the phrase sexual activity in my definition rather than sex. Sex is an oddly ambigous word in English. It can be used to mean penile penetration of the vagina (specifically) or pretty much any act involving the arousal and manipulation of genitalia. Mostly at the discrecion of the person using the term. In this way, sex is also like pickles, which is why we end up tossing on other adjectives like anal or oral.
To sex not to pickles. Unless you are into that sort of thing. And no judgement if you are. I try not to yuck anyone’s yum. But I bet most people who are into anal pickling really want the ghost pepper pickles properly labeled!
Let’s take a moment here to let that mental image run its course….
And we’re back!
I use sexual activity because it is purposefully ambiguous and isn’t likely to be taken to mean a particular penetrative act but rather any range of sexual activities. Because you can be a swinger without penetration.
We use terms like soft swap, full swap, and parallel play to define the sexual activities with which people are comfortable engaging with others. (Though even those terms might not be enough to define your playstyle.) Some like same-room play; others will only play separately. It’s all variations of swinging.
But the direct involvement with another person matters. Not necessarily physical touch (same room parallel play doesn’t involve any, after all), but there is that both-directional give and take of the sexual energy.
And this is where I get really persnickety.
Examples: Exhibitionism and Voyeurism
These are not inherently swinger activities. Again, these depend on the intention.
If a couple is fucking in a “public” place in order to be caught or watched (like in a lifestyle club in a play room with a window), they are being exhibitionists but not swingers. They might be getting off on putting on a show and knowing they are turning people on, but they are broadcasting that out there. They aren’t feeding off the feedback. It’s a one way street.
Similarly, people who watch the performance and get off are being voyeurs, not swingers. They are taking it in but not giving back.
If a couple has the door open and is engaging with their audience in some way, not only broadcasting but also taking in the effect their performance has, that’s swinging.
Similar to couples participating in same-room parallel play with no cross-touching. The couples aren’t just getting off on the show they are providing or the show they are viewing but rather on the combination of the two and cumulative building of sexual energy because of the other’s involvement.
It’s like the difference between a ballet show (you watch from the theater seats) and a drag show (which typically demand audience participation).
Yes that is persnickety as fuck! But I’ve also spent hours debating comma placement and how it can change the meaning of a sentence. Persnickety is my job.
A couple who has sex on a webcam and let’s people watch, not swinging.
Two couples meeting up on Zoom and each having sex in their own rooms while watching and interacting with the others, that’s socially reponsible virtual parallel play and is swinging. And topical given the current pandemic.
How Many Times Does It Take to Be a Swinger?
Again, I would argue it’s a matter of intention not actual execution.
My example of Jeff and Karen who go to the club but only fuck each other. They aren’t swingers because there is no intention to play with others. They become swingers if they start to go to the club with the intention of finding someone (whether they are successful or not).
Which means someone can be a swinger even if they haven’t engaged with anyone.
Conversely, Jeff and Karen aren’t swingers even if they drunkenly hook up with a third person for one night. Trying a threesome (even a few times) or having a drunken orgy does not a swinger make. It is only when they seek this engagement that they are swingers.
There could be false negatives. Jeff and Karen have a drunken threesome and enjoy it. They insist they aren’t swingers, but they keep going back to the clubs with the hope they will get drunk and “randomly decide” to hook up with other people again. Even though they don’t admit it, they are swingers because they are engaging in a pattern of behavior to meet the end goal.
Or Jeff and Karen could be a false positive: They say they are swingers but every time they go to the club, they always come up with a reason why no one meets their standards. At some point, after enough no’s, you need to reevaluate the question.
Not to say Jeff and Karen shouldn’t stick to their standards. But at some point, if they keep saying no, they need to really ask themselves if swinging is for them.
Maybe do as Steak and Tequila and ask “Why not?” instead of “Why?” (6:10)
What Does Lifestyle Mean, and Is It Different?
Many people seem to conflate the two, but I would say they are different. In the Bed Hopper’s original thread, someone suggested that the term lifestyle is just short for swinging lifestyle.
To which I say: Swingers don’t own the word lifestyle. There’s the kink lifestyle, the BDSM lifestyle, the latex lifestyle, the poly lifestyle, the goth/vampire lifestyle. It’s a broad term, broader than swinging. Sure, one swinger talking to another can use the shorthand of just saying lifestyle because they both have an agreed upon frame of reference.
Exhibitionists and voyeurs and kink enthusiasts are all under that larger lifestyle umbrella.
If you are enjoying the sexually charged environment of sex clubs or a resort like Desire, you are in the lifestyle even if you aren’t a swinger. Just as those in the BDSM scene or puppy play are in the lifestyle. But not necessarily swingers.
Backing Away From the Words
Both the terms swinger and lifestyle have negative connotations for some people. I don’t understand why. I recall Paige and Penn from The Swinger Diaries struggled with identifying as swingers for a long time. But they eventually came around to accepting the descriptor.
Well, I say recall, but it’s in the intro of their podcast: “We never expected to become swingers. We actually resisted it for a long time.”
They entered the lifestyle to be in a sexy environment, which brought them closer together in their relationship. Penn and Paige weren’t resisting nonmonogamy as far as I can tell. They were doing that. They were resisting calling themselves swingers (see episode 1, starting at 18:54):
Penn: “Nobody likes the term swingers. It makes you seem dirty or something…. We’ve been swingers for three years…four years…and we’ve only admitted, like about, I don’t know, six months ago.”
Paige: “No, I don’t even admit it. You admitted it.”
Penn: “We’re swingers. Deal with it. It’s a fact.”
Paige: “I know.”
I don’t understand what Paige was trying to avoid by not accepting the term that clearly applied to her. And she knew it clearly applied to her. What image did the word swinger bring to her mind that she didn’t want the association? Whatever it is, I don’t have it.
A Swinger Is in the Lifestyle; Someone in the Lifestyle Isn’t Necessarily a Swinger
Similarly, Room 77 podcast has some episodes about the fear of labels and the difference between being in the lifestyle and swinging.
In Episode 6, Richard says, “I try to tell everyone, it’s OK if you say ‘we’re in the lifestyle but we don’t swap with anyone.’” (6:06) Richard continues, saying that he believes being at Desire Resort is a step into the lifestyle even without any plans to play with others. “‘I’m in the lifestyle’ shouldn’t necessarily mean, ‘Hi! I’m so-and-so. I like to have sex with people other than my wife.’” (11:58)
In the same episode, Richard and Lauren ask guests, “Are you in the lifestyle?” Several say no, because they don’t swap. But they do like being naked and watching other people or being passionate out in the open. Not swingers. But that’s the lifestyle.
“We’re Not in the Lifestyle, but….”
In Episode 3, Richard says, “We ran into a lot of couples that state to us, ‘We are not in the lifestyle.’ But then on the end of that sentence is usually some version of ‘But we soft swap.’ ‘But we play with other couples and don’t do full swap.’ ‘But we only are with this particular couple.’
“So our thing is always, ‘You are in the lifestyle. You are just in a particular category.’” (5:39)
To which Lauren says, “I still don’t know what people think the lifestyle is.” (6:17) “The lifestyle is…. It’s such a general term, I don’t know how you could not put yourself in that category. It’s like saying ‘I don’t want to be a 30-something when I turn 30.’” (7:08)
We Use Them to Mean Different Things
Erin and I agree with that distinction between swinging and the lifestyle. Early on in our own swinging journey, after Erin had a couple of less-than-stellar swap experiences, we ourselves made that distinction: We would continue to go to the clubs because we liked the sexy atmosphere. But we might never play with other people.
We’d be in the lifestyle, but we wouldn’t be swingers.
Turns out, we are swingers.
“But I Don’t Like Labels!”
Then don’t use them. It really doesn’t matter to me if someone doesn’t want to call themselves a swinger. But just because I don’t label the jar of pickles with ghost pepper in it doesn’t mean I won’t burn my mouth (or…you know…any other place that gets a pickling…) when I eat one. What’s in the jar is in the jar whether you call it that or not.
Just like someone has COVID whether they get the test or not. (WHOAH! Way to be topical again!)
The problem comes in when we use words to have different meanings or we don’t use enough words and then issues arise because we weren’t clear. The real point to all of this is that the word swinger isn’t enough of a label to be all that useful. Yeah, I think it has an entry point, but just saying “We’re swingers,” isn’t helping anyone.
Even saying “We’re a soft swap couple” isn’t always useful because soft swap can mean different things to different people.
Labels can be useful. Sometimes you only have so much space to be descriptive, and you need to be concise. In those cases, be sure you are using the best descriptors you can.
But when it comes to swinging, precision is better than brevity. Be open and honest and detailed with what you want and what you are comfortable with. Express yourself clearly. Make sure you are understood and you understand the rules and desires of everyone else involved in your play.
Most of all, have fun!
If you don’t like arguing over the meaning of words, don’t bother. Life’s too short for such debates. Me? I enjoy getting all persnickety on the English language.