If you heard our interview on Episode 104 of the Swinging Downunder Podcast with Cate and Darrell, you might have caught an exchange between Erin and me when Erin says: “I don’t know which story to tell first. Do we talk about the cautionary tale?” (12:12). We decided to hold off on the cautionary tale…and then we never actually got around to telling it in that interview! And we meant to. So, without further ado, Erin will now share the Cautionary Tale. We learned that MDMA can be a little bit deceptive when it comes to swinging. You need to proceed with caution when adding drugs to new experiences like swapping.
We have touched on the topic of mixing swinging with drugs and how we are cautious about doing so. This caution is well-earned and stems from an experience we had with our friends B and K, the ones we talked about during our chat with Cate and Darrell. The ones who introduced us to most of the substances that we enjoy today.
It was a situation that, with the information we had at the time, seemed like it should have gone fine! Looking back we recognize the things we did wrong. I wanted to share the story in the hopes it can help others avoid making the same mistakes.
We Were So Confident!
Our first experience with B and K occurred years ago around Halloween when we went to visit them in California. Our second MDMA/full-swap experience happened the following spring when they joined us for part of our vacation in Sonoma. The Cautionary Tale is our third full-swap experience, which occurred later that same year when B and K were visiting from the west coast around the holidays. We were looking forward to the atmosphere with the Christmas tree and lights and decorations. Things like that are enhanced when you are rolling. Plus, it being our third time, we figured all that initial trepidation was out of the way. We had confidence that because the other two times had gone so well, it could only improve from there, right?
Bad Planning Decisions
At some point before their visit, B and K suggested that this time we should add 2C-B to the molly experience. 2C-B combines well with MDMA, and people reported having the best sex of their lives on that combo. They had done 2C-B, but Shane and I had not. [Shane: We had done psychedelics before, but I think only once, so we were very inexperienced.]. That was our first mistake.
B and K had never combined the two [Shane: Which is called nexus flipping]; that’s our second mistake! Shane talks about not mixing substances until you know how you react to them individually. It seems obvious now, but B and K had never steered us wrong on drugs before. We didn’t question it. [Shane: So much of this goes against the advice I give in my How to Be a Good Sherpa post.]
Our original plan had been to go out for sushi and the get the party started back at our house. When we picked them up, someone suggested that we shouldn’t eat because food can affect the intensity of the roll. We scrapped the sushi idea and just went to our place to get to the party portion of the evening. This proved to be a big mistake in hindsight for at least two reasons:
- It didn’t give us the warm-up time over dinner to get comfortable and re-acquainted. We hadn’t seen them in almost a year, after all.
- By skipping food, we did in fact increase the intensity of the roll, which was also altered by the addition of the 2C-B.
Getting Started
We spent a some time just talking and catching up, but we took the molly and 2C-B pretty quickly. I was nervous because I didn’t know what the drug combination was going to feel like, but essentially I think we both went into the roll feeling excited and confident that things would go well. Because of this (over)confidence, we sped past many of the transitions and check-ins that would normally happen in a play situation. At first, I thought this was a good thing. I always feel like I am lagging behind and making everyone else slow down. Under the comfort of the MDMA high, it was full-speed ahead, and I was all in.
The Trouble Began
Something that I have learned about myself is that what I really enjoy about swinging is group sex. I like it when everyone interacts, talks, and the like. If I start to feel disconnected from Shane, I will do something to bring some inter-couple interaction back, even while remaining paired off. Eye contact, a kiss, a caress.
Of course at the time, we had very little full-swap experience, and what experience we did have was when we were rolling. We never felt disconnected during those experiences. And this third time was sort of like rolling…but there was a different level of intensity to it.
I have since come to recognize that feeling in other psychedelic experiences, but I think this was before we had done any other psychedelics…Shane, can you weigh in? Maybe we had done shrooms once prior to this? [Shane: Yup. Shrooms once.] In any case, it was an unfamiliar and anxiety-inducing feeling.
Intoxicated to the Point of Distraction
We were already in full swap when I started to feel the anxiety and needed reassurance and comfort from Shane. So I reached out and touched his arm, which typically would cause him to respond in some way, if even just to look up at me. But I got no response from him. Things weren’t that bad yet, so I just went with it for a while longer. This could have been 30 seconds or 10 minutes, MDMA and psychedelics can both cause weird time dilations, but it started to feel Too Long.
I wanted to switch back to being with Shane. So I reached out again and put my hand on his arm. Nothing. Rubbed his arm….tapped his arm….still nothing. This ramped up my anxiety both because I needed to get out of the situation and because I hate to put the brakes on when everyone else is having fun. I was not going to be able to smoothly shift gears by giving a non-verbal signal since I couldn’t get Shane’s attention. I had to speak up even though everyone else was clearly in the groove and loving it.
Psychedelic Brain
MDMA and psychedelics share some similarities, but they are different in some pretty major ways, at least for me. Now that I have taken (and enjoyed) 2C-B on it’s own, I know that it is really mild as psychedelics go, but it shares the feature of making me introspective, of getting into my own head. Which isn’t always a fun place to be and is sort of the opposite of what I usually feel on a molly roll.
On molly, my empathetic response to people is turned up to 11, and I love what everyone else is loving. Which explains why I had zero issues with the first molly/full-swap experience. But when I added the psychedelic component, that empathy was weighed down by anxiety and introspection. When I couldn’t get Shane’s attention, it felt like he was so immersed in her that he had forgotten about me. [Shane: When really it was due to me having no experience in how to handle being on psychedelics in a sex/swap situation. So many lessons in this cautionary tale!]
Because I know Shane, I know he will feel guilty reading this even now, years later, [Shane: True story.] even though no one was doing anything wrong, and I certainly don’t blame him for anything. As I said, I had been all in. I hadn’t given anyone any indication that I needed to move slowly or cautiously, and things went in a direction none of us anticipated.
Psychedelic Brain is not always pleasant.
After-Care
After I spoke up, everyone took care of me and it was very sweet. As soon as Shane realized I wasn’t having a good time he went into full caregiver mode, and I immediately started to feel more calm. B massaged my chest, pressing above my heart to soothe the anxiety, which was lovely. I think I had the wherewithal to explain that I wasn’t up for any more swapping, but I didn’t want the evening to end. So we all cuddled and talked, and enjoyed the Christmas lights (which were incredible! The 2C-B definitely enhanced the visual). B and K had sex off and on, and we watched.
It ended up being a pretty major lesson on expectations and how substances can alter your reality. Because our first full-swap experiences were on molly, it inflated my sense of comfort beyond where it actually would have been sober, so I expected all full swaps to feel like those. Looking back, we can see all the points at which we made not-great choices that led up to the perfect storm of a bad experience. But overall, I am not sure that it is accurate to call it a bad experience. A learning experience, absolutely. A Cautionary Tale. But in the end, it was not only okay with everyone that I put a stop to the fun, but they made me feel very loved and cared for.
The Lessons of the Cautionary Tale
So, to wrap up the key points of this cautionary tale: Don’t mix your substances on the first use, and be careful about how food or lack thereof affects the intensity of an experience. And perhaps most important, don’t add in swapping/playing until you know how you will react to a drug or a drug combination.
If Shane and I had done the molly and 2C-B combo just the two of us, I think I would have recognized that it wouldn’t be a good idea for me during playtime. I was very lucky to be with people that cared about me and were able to help me, otherwise it could have been much worse.
Also, realize that MDMA can give you a false sense of security on where you are in your lifestyle journey. Because our first two full swaps occurred while we were on MDMA, we had a false sense of security that we were comfortable with swapping and understood how to respond to each other. We learned very quickly that we hadn’t developed the right communication skills to navigate that experience yet.