Kinks have their own vocabulary, and even in certain circles, not everyone uses words and sex terms the same. Urban Dictionary has two definitions for soft swap. If two couples agree to soft swap and each is using a different definition, there could be issues.
We decided to create this glossary of sex terms to conveys our understanding of these words and phrases from how we’ve seen them used. Also this glossary allows us to have a consistent usage across the blog.
Always clarify with potential partners what their rules and limits are. Be explicit. “We’re soft swap” is fine in a profile or when you are first meeting someone at a club or event. However, it might not be good enough when you are heading to the bedroom. And once you are in the moment, it might be too late to clarify before someone goes too far.
We recommend taking the time to define your own playstyle as succinctly as possible (practice that elevator speech!) but also understand that there are levels of nuance that cannot be communicated in just a handful of sentences. These words and phrases can help get you started, but they don’t tell the full story, yours or anyone else’s.
Words Words Everywhere
But you don’t have to take my word for it: The Casual Swingers maintain their own Swingtionary with more words and terms defined than I have here. But they use fewer words in their definition, so you know, go to them if you’re into the whole brevity thing. Also, their list of acronyms are actually initialisms, so like…can you really trust their definitions if they are just going to be so willynilly about word use?
Yes, I’m just being a dick cause I’m upset that they came up with Swingtionary! Their definitions are awesome. Go check them out.
Sex Terms
420-friendly
I’m putting this in the Glossary of Sex Terms because it relates to swinger profiles. 420-friendly or similarly phrased designations are sometimes added to dating site profiles (ironically this usually happens right after a couple says they are drug free, whatever that actually means) to indicate that despite the legal status and social stigma around cannabis use, they are OK meeting with people who are cannabis users. I would also say it heavily implies that they, too, are cannabis users, and that they wouldn’t mind getting high with dates and potential playmates.
Aftercare
I think it is safe to say that aftercare is mostly a BDSM term. Aptly summed up in this page from the comic Sunstone, aftercare refers to intimacy, softness, and balance after a BDSM scene when the power balance is restored to it’s status quo (which might not be balance). Aftercare is more than just snuggles and hugs. After all, some sub/Dom relations aren’t romantic, and therefore the aftercare itself might not be romantic. It can involve follow up messages/reach out notes, gifts/flowers, and even meet ups in the days and weeks that follow a session.
Even though this is term is mostly used in the BDSM realm, I see a lot of value in applying this concept to swinging as well. Normally when we hear about swinger aftercare, people simply talk about reconnection sex, but reviewing and discussing the swap experience (what went right, what didn’t, how it can be better in the future) can all be used as aftercare by a couple. I would say that recordings like those done by podcasters Swinger Diaries and Getting Into the Swing of Things With Steak and Tequila are a form of aftercare.
I also think that aftercare is a great concept to bring into the substance-use world as well.
Bednotchers
This is a term used by swingers to identify couples who prefer to have sex with new partners rather than repeated swapping with the partners. Often it is used as a derogatory term such as “We swapped with Lisa and Joe once, and now they won’t even talk to us because they are after new meat. What a bunch of bednotchers!”
Even though it’s not for us, we see nothing wrong with people who prefer to have sex with as many new people as possible rather than repeating performances. It’s only an issue if people are presenting a false front and suggesting they want a long-term friendship with benefits just to get into your pants.
BDSM
Bondage, domination, sadism, masochism. That’s quite a range when you think about it. Saying “I’m into BDSM” doesn’t really give enough information. Words like bottom, switch, and top help define the roles with a BDSM relationship or event.
Bottom
Often used as a BDSM expression to mean the submissive, being a bottom implies a passive role in sex. The bottom wants the top to be aggressive and take control of the act. Someone can be a bottom without being a submissive or even engaging in BDSM play.
Bull
The term bull is used to describe a man who has sex with women who are in committed relationships with other men. In some cases, the interaction between the bull and the woman is meant to humiliate the woman’s partner (a cuckold) by making him feel inferior to the bull. In other cases, like when a bull has sex with a vixen or a hotwife, there is no humiliation aspect involved. The woman’s partner both knows about and encourages her sexual exploration with her bull.
Bull-hopeful
I’ve never seen this term used anywhere else, but this glossary is meant to define terms we use on this blog and I’m going to use it! A bull-hopeful is a guy (single or otherwise) who is trying to woo a woman in a committed relationship (such as a cuckoldress, hotwife, or vixen) into allowing him to have sex with her. By using this term, I’m usually referring to the flirty time before which any sex has taken place. However, given that some women collect a stable of returning bulls rather than having many one-night-stand bulls, a bull-hopeful might have had sex with the woman a few times but has yet to earn full bull status and entered her stable of regulars.
Cheating
I’m including this because it is a huge pet peeve of mine when any nonmonogamous interaction is called cheating. Cheating is whatever people within their relationship define it to be. A vixen is not cheating when she fucks her bull because she and her stag partner have decided that’s how they want to their relationship to be.
Chemdom / Chemical domination
I haven’t found this term in use elsewhere. It came to mind after I wrote my post about wanting to drug my wife, and I feel like it’s a great way to describe that particular kink/fetish/sex act. Chemical domination, or chem dom, is when someone takes a drug or substance to put them into a compliant or vulnerable state so that they can be manipulated or used sexually. Note than I’m making the drug-taker the active party in this scenario because that person’s consent (or preconsent) is required. Drugging someone without their consent is illegal, immoral, and unethical. Taking advantage of someone who appears to be under the influence of an intoxicant (including but not limited to alcohol) is also illegal, immoral, and unethical.
Chemsex
Chemsex refers to the use of substances to facilitate or enhance sex. The term (as well as the phrases wired play and party and play) is historically associated with homosexual and high-risk sexual activity, but we use it to describe any time we have sex while intoxicated on a substance.
Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM)
Individuals or groups can identify as CNM, which means that everyone in the relationship has consented to being in a nonmonogamous relationship. A married couple that decides they are both OK with the other having sex other people (i.e., an open marriage). A triad all dating each other or a guy who’s girlfriend is dating another guy who in turn is dating another girl (examples of poly relationships). Two couples who have sex as a foursome (aka, swingers). These are all examples CNM. And because everyone involved has consented to the arrangement, none of this is cheating.
This term is often used interchangeably with ENM; it’s probably best to consider them to be equivalent whether you think they should be or not.
Cross play
Cross play is a swinger playstyle designation to mean when there is some sexual interaction between members of different couples but without actual swapping. For example, if two couples are engaging in parallel play and the women kiss each other, that is cross play between the women. If one of the men starts squeezing the tits of the other woman, that is cross play between them.
Cuckold
Here’s a term that is often used inconsistently in the kink realm. By the Merriam-Webster definition, it simply means a man with an unfaithful wife. As a kink designation, a cuckold is a man who derives sexual pleasure from his partner fucking other men. This doesn’t mean she’s cheating on him; in fact, being a cuckold implies the man actively wants and encourages his partner to have sex with other men (called bulls).
This definition of cuckold was shared with me by The Cuckold Consultant in recent Twitter conversation about defining cuckolds. I love it!
Cuckolding can be viewed as a spectrum. On one side, there is the masochist cuckold, who gets sexual pleasure by being humiliated and degraded by his wife or girlfriend and her bull. This level of domination can be taken so far as to have the cuckold’s penis locked in a cage, making it impossible to achieve an erection (possibly permanently). On the other end of the spectrum is the alpha cuckold, who does not want to be humiliated but rather simply enjoys having his partner have sex with other men, perhaps watching it or joining in a MFM or MMF threesome.
However, the term cuckold is often used to mean the masochist cuckold. And that’s how we will use it on our blog. Furthermore, we use the term stag rather than alpha cuckold.
I have finally found a term for the woman in a relationship with cuckold, at least one verified by a woman in a relationship with a cuckold, and I like the term: cuckoldress. We use hotwife and vixen to describe women who are in relationships with a stag rather a cuckold. So in most cases, we’ll just call them a slut.
Cuckoldress
The woman in a relationship with a cuckold.
Cuckquean
This is the gender-opposite of cuckold. A cuckquean derives sexual pleasure from having her partner fuck another woman with an element of humiliation or degradation involved.
DA (Double Anal)
A type of DP in which two things are inserted into the butt. I think that most often DA is used to mean two cocks, but it can also be two toys, a toy and cock, a hand and cock, or even two hands (also known as double fisting).
Dom/Domme
Short for dominant, Dom defines the role of the person in a BDSM scene who is in control and is dominating or, in the case of a sadist, inflicting pain (sometimes referred to as sensation so as not to imply it is unwanted or damaging). Domme is sometimes used as a female form. Also note the capitalization, meant to show the power of the Dom in a sub/Dom relationship. Is it necessary? No, but I think it’s fun.
Double penetration (DP)
Technically, this is any time someone has two cocks, toys, or combo there of inside them at the same time. However, it is mostly used to refer to simultaneous anal and vaginal sex (as opposed to spit roasting, which is oral and either anal or vaginal penetration).
DV (Double Vagina)
A type of DP in which two things are inserted into the vagina. I think that most often DV is used to mean two cocks, but it can also be two toys, a toy and cock, a hand and cock, or even two hands (also known as double fisting).
DV/DA
If you’re reading this glossary straight through (first off, wow!), then you can probably guess that this one is double vagina/double anal. That’s four cocks in really close proximity. Best explained in the movie Orgasmo (created by the makers of South Park!). Amusingly, DVDA is also the name of the band created and fronted by the creators of South Park. And now you’re a man.
Ethical Nonmonogamous (ENM)
Individuals or groups can identify as ENM, which means that everyone in the relationship is ethical about being nonmonogamous, most specifically that everyone in the relationship has consented to being in a nonmonogamous relationship. This can go so far as to mean things like staying within everyone’s boundaries, using protection, and, testing for STDs.
This term is often used interchangeably with CNM; it’s probably best to consider them to be equivalent whether you think they should be or not.
FFM
Female-female-male threesome. Note the order of the letters. This implies contact between the male and female and between the female and female. As such, this initialism is used to mean all three people will have sexual contact with each other.
FMF
Female-male-female threesome. Note the order of the letters. This implies contact between the male and female only. As such, this initialism is used to mean the women will not have sexual contact with each other.
Fisting
The insertion of the entire hand into the vagina or rectum. This can be done as part of solo play or with partners. Despite the name, the hand doesn’t need to ever actually be balled into a fist at any point to count as fisting. Normally the hand isn’t in a fist when initially inserted; that’s often called punching or punch fucking or handballing (though handballing might be specific to anal fisting; I’m unclear on that point). Though sometime punch fucking refers to making a fist with the hand after it is inserted and vigorously moving back and forth but remaining entirely inserted the whole time. Make sure you know what your partner wants.
The more advanced maneuver is double fisting. Though this too can be a little ambiguous because sometimes double fisting means two hands in the same orifice and other times it means one in each.
Fisting is a subsect of the Stretching kink.
Full swap
A swinger playstyle designation that implies comfort with having genital-on-genital contact and full penetrative sexual interactions with people outside the main relationship.
See also soft swap, which is often used as a counter designation though the two are not mutually exclusive.
If you want to understand how I came up with this definition, I have a blog post that shows my work.
Gangbang
Typically a gangbang is when a woman has sex with multiple guys (four or more, I’d say). This can either be with multiple men at the same time (via double or triple or more penetrations), individually one after the other, or some mix of the two.
I would say that women can be gangbanged by other women and that men can be gangbanged by men or women. At which point, the better (more inclusive) definition is as follows: a gangbang is a group sex scenario in which the person (or people) being fucked is (are) heavily outnumbered by the people doing the fucking. Girl on the Net has a great blog post about the difference between group sex and a gangbang.
Conversely, when it is one guy being fucked by four or more women, it’s usually called a reverse gangbang. And I’d assume not very satisfying for the women….
Apparently some people don’t like the word gangbang and instead call it a sexfest. I disapprove of that.
Group play
Group play is a swinger playstyle designation. Although similar to—and dare I say a subsect of—same-room play, group play has a much closer physical boundary (arm’s reach versus being within each other’s sight line) and implies a heavy emphasis on cross play during the play experience. A group play experience differs from a cross play experience because there is an element of swapping involved.
Although very similar in wording to group sex, these two phrases have distinct meanings…at least in how I’ve seen them used.
Group sex
Multiple couples having sex in the same vicinity, maybe in the same room, around the same pool, or even the same bed. This could be contained to parallel play only or might involve cross play, but there is no intension to swap partners. When swapping is involved, it’s more likely for the experience to be an orgy (though I will note that this is a loose distinction that I am making about how we use the term on the blog).
Depending on the focus of the group, this could actually be a gangbang. Girl on the Net has a great blog post explaining the difference.
Hall Pass
A Hall Pass refers to when a person in a relationship has permission from the other people in the relationship to engage in sexual activity with whomever they wish. There can still be rules governing the Hall Pass (for example, Erin has a Hall Pass to have sex with any woman she wants whenever she wants as long as I hear about it later.) Hall Passes often have a time limit (i.e., all members in a relationship have a Hall Pass for a weekend; one person has a Hall pass for as long as the other person is on vacation).
Hotwife
A hotwife is a woman in a committed relationship who has sex with other people (I think it’s safe to say mostly other men, who are often called her bull) because both she and her partner think it is sexy for her to do so. Hotwifing differs from cuckholding because it lacks the humiliation aspect. However, given how masculinity is perceived, there are some people who argue that there is always an element of humiliation if your wife has sex with other men. We whole-heartily disagree. See also stag and vixen.
Kink/Kinky
Any sexual preference or act that is viewed as outside the bounds of normal, socially approved behavior. Note that we specifically say viewed, because there is evidence that things we perceive as kinky are actually commonplace.
Lifestyle
Some people use “being in the lifestyle” and swinger interchangeably (possibly because they don’t like one of those descriptors). Erin and I do not conflate the two. We think the lifestyle includes a variety of playstyles that go beyond just swinging (after all, two people in a cuckoldress/cuckold aren’t necessarily swingers, but we would say they are in the lifestyle).
You can read more about how and why we make the distinction between the lifestyle and swingers.
MFM
Male-female-male threesome. Note the order of the letters. This implies contact between the male and female only. As such, this initialism is used to mean the men will not have sexual contact with each other.
MMF
Male-male-female threesome. Note the order of the letters. This implies contact between the male and female and between the male and male. As such, this initialism is used to mean all three people will have sexual contact with each other.
Monogamish
As I have heard it, this term was made popular by sex advice columnist Dan Savage, who used it described his relationship meaning that he and his partner Terry Miller were committed to each other and also accepted that they would each occasionally have sex with other people. This form of relationship acknowledges that sexual attractions happen outside the main relationship and that acting on them doesn’t have to damage a relationship.
The original usage seems to implies that neither person in the relationship is actively seeking out other partners. Couples who have hall passes any time one of them travels for business, for instance, would be the same because neither in the relationship is actively seeking sex or romance in day-to-day life.
However, I don’t know that that strict interpretation applies to how it is normally used. I would instead define it as a relationship that has a strong focus on a central couple but that permits occasional dalliances beyond the couple.
Not to be confused with Monogamish Marriage, the blog/bloggers; I believe they identify as swingers.
Only On Vacation/Only When Traveling/Only While Away
These terms are uses to describe when certain kinks and sex acts are only indulged in when the person is away from home. Examples include couples who only swing during their week-long stay at Desire or who travel far out of their local community to meet people or for kink play. This can be for privacy reasons to preference due to surrounds.
Open marriage
Another term for consensual nonmonogamy, the designation of open marriage implies both parties in the relationship have the freedom to have sex with whomever they wish. Furthermore, I think the term implies the that the couple is not poly and therefore the nonmonogamous relationships are meant to remain nonromantic.
I assume most swingers would not say they have an open marriage because open marriage implies the individual is able to select their paramours without consulting with their significant other. Not to say an open marriage might not have rules (i.e., only have sex with other people when not in the same state as each other), but there is an implied freedom to the selection. Whereas swingers more often make their selection in coordination with each other.
However, the phrase open marriage would apply to relationships that have a cuckoldress, hotwife, or vixen–stag dynamic in which either participant (or both) is allowed to have sex with whomever they wish whenever they wish.
Please note, as with most of consensual nonmonogamy designations, people who are truly in open marriages are not cheating on each other because they have agreed to this arrangement. It is only cheating when someone goes against the agreed upon rules.
Orgy
A group of people (the number is often debated, but Erin thinks it’s an orgy with 5 or more people, so let’s go with that) having sex with each other. We don’t believe that swapping is required for an event to be considered an orgy versus group sex. Rather, we feel there is a certain spirit of unrestrained hedonism and cross-playing that differentiates the two. As such, this boundary is not easily defined.
Parallel play
Parallel play is a swinger playstyle designation often used to mean when people have sex with their own significant other (no swapping) near others who are also having sex (maybe the same bed, maybe two beds in the same room). There is little to no interaction between couples other than watching.
If there is physical interaction between couples, that would be cross play.
Parallel play is similar to, and I would say a subsect of, group sex with the major difference being that group sex does not imply no cross-play limit whereas parallel play does.
Party and Play (PnP)
Party and Play means to meet up with the intention of getting high (partying) and having chemsex (playing). This is not necessarily a swinger lifestyle term, but couples and groups can meet up to PnP just as readily as singles. Although the term isn’t specific as to which substance is used to party, meth, GHB, and alkyl nitrites (AKA poppers) are likely suspects. We recommend that anyone setting up a PnP encounter be very clear about intended substance for use.
Playstyle
The description of how a people like to engage in sex. This can include swinging acts (soft swap versus full swap) or other kinks (top, bottom, bedknotchers, etc.). However you want to define how you want to have sex, that’s your playstyle. This is our swinging playstyle.
Poly/Polyamorous/Polyamory
This is a style of relationship in which people date and have emotional connections with more than one person.
Reconnection sex
Also called reclamation sex (though that has an implied possessiveness that Erin and I try to avoid), reconnection sex is the sex a couple has when they come back together after a swap experience.
Safe word
A safe word is a word or phrase that is used during play, often BDSM scenes, which someone can use to indicate a need to slow down or stop the scene. Saying no or stop can be a part of BDSM play without a desire to stop the scene. As such, safe words are used instead. Ultimately a safe word gives power to the sub, which is why some hardcore Doms and subs don’t use them.
We have three, only because Erin seems to misremember one, so when I ask “Do you remember the safe words?” She replies “Yes: Red and yellow.” So I have accepted yellow, but really it’s supposed to be mercy.
Safe word (hard stop)
Red is our hard stop safe word. If Erin says that, it means something has gone wrong, and she is uncomfortable and out of a sexy mood. We have a hard stop of whatever we are doing and have to assess the situation. I had read that hard stop safe words should be one syllable, easy to say quickly, loudly, and repeatedly if necessary. It should be jarring and out of place with the language being used in the scene so that it stands out if used.
Safe word (soft stop)
A soft stop safe word doesn’t actually stop the scene or cause a break in character. Instead, it means “pull back a little, you’ve gone a little farther than I’m currently in the mood for.” Perhaps the spanking ramped up too quickly or that last crop strike was a real stinger and a moment is needed to recover. This is why I like mercy because if Erin uses that, it still fits the scene. She asks for mercy, and I give it to her for a moment, benevolent Dom that I am. I recognize that yellow means the same thing. However, it breaks the scene in a way I’d rather a soft stop safe word not do. Still, I’d rather she say yellow then suffer through something she isn’t enjoying.
Same room
As a is a swinger playstyle designation, this one seems fairly self-explanatory. It’s commonly used to mean a couple that wants to remain in the same room with their significant other during play. “We are a same-room couple.” “We only engage in same-room play.” The counter designation is separate room.
As is common when it comes to labels, there are nuances that are not fully covered in this phrase. The word room might be misleading or disingenuous in this case. It is possible that a same-room couple can still feel divided and therefore uncomfortable with play while technically being in the same room. I’m willing to bet that most couples who say they only do same-room play mean that what they want is to be in a position to occasionally see/make eye contact with their significant other from time to time.
Some might prefer to remain even closer than that, and therefore group play might be a more accurate designation.
Separate room
A swinger playstyle designation used to define a couple that prefers to divide into completely different rooms when they play. “We are only do separate-room play.” “We’re comfortable with separate-room couples, but it’s not required.”
As with same room, the word room might be a little misleading as actual physical barriers might not be required. More than likely what a separate room couple is actually looking for is a situation in which neither are aware of what their significant others are doing with their own play partners. And that’s why some couples will simply say “We play separately.”
Slut
A slut is a woman who enthusiastically and unapologetically pursues her own sexual gratification. Shane uses this as the highest compliment. From a single woman who is putting out a booty call to the married woman at the center of a gangbang, any lady who is confidently indulging in her sexual desires should take pride in being a slut. Hat off to all you awesome ladies! Men everyone should be singing your praises.
Soft swap
A swinger playstyle designation that implies comfort with sexual interactions that include oral sex and manual stimulation of genitals but not genital-on-genital contact or sexual penetration with people outside the main relationship.
See also full swap, which is often used as a counter designation though the two are not mutually exclusive.
If you want to understand how I came about this definition, you can read all about it in great detail.
Stag
A stag is a man in a committed relationship who enjoys it when and encourages his female partner to have sex with other men. The stag might enjoy watching his partner (usually called a vixen when paired with a stag, but hotwife is fairly interchangeable), participating with her (MFM or gangbang), or simply knowing it is occurring or hearing about it after. Unlike a cuckold, there is no element of submission or humiliation for the stag.
Stretching
A form of kink play devoted to embiggening (it’s a perfectly cromulent word) an orifice by gradually inserting larger and thicker objects or using objects that can embiggen themselves like speculums or inflatables.
sub
Short for submissive, this is the person in a BDSM scene or relationship who is being dominated. There are many subcategories, like a brat (a sub who purposefully disobeys the Dom and pushes boundaries to provoke punishment and forced obedience) that I won’t listing here. The lowercase is purposeful to represent the power exchange in a sub/Dom relationship.
Swinger
It is often debated as to what it means to be a swinger. Is there an entry point/minimal requirement or activity level? I think that there is. So here’s how we’re defining it:
A swinger is someone who seeks to engage in sexual activity with at least one person with whom they do not have a romantic relationship and with the permission of everyone with whom they have a romantic relationship.
Swinging differs from polyamory in that swingers do not seek out long-term romantic connections. Some swingers seek out friendships with others before engaging in any kind of swapping or play. Others might play with people without even knowing their names. It’s up to individuals and partners within their relationship to define how they want to swing.
Switch
A switch is someone who enjoys being both a top and a bottom. I recently overheard this exchange at our local kink-friendly bar when one girl was taking another back to the St. Andrew’s Cross for a flogging: “So you are a Domme?” “Actually, I’m a switch.” “A switch?” “Yeah, I like topping other girls, but with guys, I’m always a sub.”
Take One for the Team
This is a swingers’ expression for when one person in a couple wants to play with another couple or group, and the other person doesn’t want to at all but goes long with it anyway to support their partner’s desire. Most couples have rules against taking one for the team, but the extent to which someone actually takes one of the team is subjective.
It’s common for couples to have an attraction disparity where, say, the wife might be really into another couple but the husband’s a little lukewarm…but it’s no big deal. They might not be his first pick for play partners, but he’s also not against it. We would say that is not taking one for the team.
Top
A top is the aggressor in a sexual situation. This indicates who is leading the sexual scenario not necessarily as part of a BDSM scene. If Erin pushes me down on the bed and jumps on me and rides me cowgirl until she orgasms, she’s topped me. That doesn’t mean she’s dominated me.
Triple penetration
Technically, this is any time someone has three cocks, toys, or combo thereof inside them at the same time. However, it most often refers to simultaneous anal, oral, and vaginal penetration (sometimes called being made airtight).
Vanilla
This is used to denote normal, “socially acceptable” (nonfringe) activities like monogamous penis-in-vagina sex between married couples. We sometimes use it to describe non-swinger friends: “We’re hanging out with some vanillas tonight.”
VFB
Short for vigorous finger banging/blasting, which refers to the quick and ofttimes pain penetration of an orifical (usually vaginal) with at least one digit (though usually two or three). Some women might like it. Erin does not. Either way, you should check with your partner before getting this vigorous.
Vixen
A woman in a committed relationship who has sex with men (referred to as a bull) other than her partner (who is called a stag). A vixen’s “dates” wither her bulls are done with the knowledge and encouragement from her stag (and therefore she is in no way cheating on her partner!) with no element of domination meant on her stag, which is how it differs from a cuckold relationship. The terms vixen and hotwife seem relatively synonymous and interchangeable, but recently I’ve been favoring stag/vixen as a relationship descriptor over hotwife.