You have from Shane about his explorations with psychedelics, so I wanted to chime in with some of my experiences. It is a bit more complicated for me than it is for him. I think that almost without exception, Shane has come out of his psychedelic explorations feeling positive, like he has learned something and feels more in tune with himself and the world (even if some of the experience itself was difficult). Unfortunately it hasn’t always been that simple for me.
The First Shroom Experience
I think it was spring or summer, because I remember that we went outside for part of it. The beginning was very cool as the visual stimulation started to hit. Things started sort of pulsing in a way that mimics breathing, and the intensity increased to the point that we were fascinated by staring into the depths of the bricks on our patio as the patterns whorled and swirled. We would have stayed outside longer, but we found the normal sounds of our neighborhood intrusive: dogs barking, kids laughing, car doors slamming. It all felt very harsh, so we retreated back into our living room.
I learned then and there in that first trip how extremely set and setting can impact an experience. Just moving inside completely changed the mood for me. The best way to describe it is that the trip started to feel heavier…intensity-wise but also mood-wise. We put on music and settled in to relax.
This is when it started to go south.
Tension
I was enjoying the music, and my body felt relaxed. But I became aware of this tension in my neck, right at the base of my skull. No matter what position I tried, I just couldn’t get that area to unclench. As someone who carries my stress in my upper back/shoulders, this wasn’t exactly a new sensation, but it felt really extreme compared to how the rest of my body just wanted to melt into the couch cushions.
It was a huge distraction.
At this point my mind was in a pretty negative space, going over all of the traits that I find lacking in myself. So I was alternating between that negative head-space and the physical discomfort. Meanwhile, Shane was happily floating along next to me, and I didn’t want to impact his experience.
When he started to sober up, I asked him to press on the tense spot on my neck. As soon as he did, I started crying. It was like he literally pressed a button and brought on the tears. Although it was certainly a release (and a profound illustration of how the mind and body are connected), I was still left with that feeling of negativity and heaviness after the trip.
Emotional but not Enlightening
I ended the trip dwelling on the things that I don’t like about myself and the world around me, and I saw no way to change any of it. I was disappointed because there are so many accounts of people learning things from shrooms. That’s the sort of experience that Shane has with them. I didn’t feel like I learned anything; rather that the trip highlighted negative points in my life but didn’t show me a way forward.
I had simply become more aware of things that already bother me about myself and life/society in general.
Shane’s view is that I wasn’t ready for what the shrooms wanted to show me or that I was fighting the experience.
And Now Shane
My view is that the shrooms showed her what they wanted her to know: She’s carrying around a lot of negative emotion, and she needs to be rid of it. All that negativity she stored up over time by not letting herself feel it in the moment exists in that spot, causing that tension. She can get rid of it through feeling it and through working the physical area in which it inhabits. Psychedelics, particularly shrooms, are a tool that open the valve to let those emotions out.
Erin looks back on it as, “Yeah, you pushed the spot. I cried. The negativity wasn’t gone. I felt bad and learned nothing.” Whereas I look at that and think, “The shrooms showed you the problem, that big ball of negative emotion you carry around. They helped you drain a small part of it. Face it and cry it out across a few more trips.”
Basically everything Duncan Trussell was saying about meditation, except psychedelics instead.
Instead of cleaning or fixing or repairing, it’s going in there and feeling the whatever it is. For a lot of people, it’s just grief, pain, sorrow, regret, you know? And it’s going in there and not being like ‘I’m going to fix what I fucked up seven years ago’—cause this is not time travel—’but what I’m going to do is, for ten minutes, five minutes, I’m going to let myself feel this thing that I’ve been trying not to feel by distracting myself with an incessant flow of thoughts.’ And that is when you start lightening up a little bit. Because really, all you’ve got to do is feel. I think the MAPS people say ‘Feeling is healing.’
Duncan Trussell on the Joe Rogan Experience #1075, 45:39 to 46:43
Continued Failure
There have been other experiments with shrooms and with liquid psilocybin, with similar results. In the past 6 months, I have had two experiences where I got intense visuals for about 30 minutes, followed by what I describe as “ADD brain” where it feels like my mind is all over the place, and I can’t control it or hold onto a thought. I come out of these experiences feeling disappointed and scattered. Shane recently tried a hippie flip (shrooms and MDMA) and had this amazing, positive experience. So I decided to give it a try. And what I got was exactly what I just described…except once the MDMA kicked in, I felt pleasant and wasn’t so concerned about not really going deep with the shrooms.
Neither of us have a clue as to why psilocybin isn’t working for me the way it used to.
LSD: The Trippy-est of Trips!
Although there are some similarities between tripping on psilocybin and LSD, for me there have been some pretty profound differences.
The first time we did LSD was during a blizzard. This created an incredible feeling of being safely cocooned in our warm, candle-lit house while the snow swirled outside of our windows. Colors were more beautiful, music more intense, the artwork on our walls simply fascinating. We danced, we moved around, we laid still for awhile just listening to the music and watching colors swirl around.
At one point Shane asked how I was feeling, and I almost responded “purple.” He asked if purple was good, and I responded that it definitely was! The whole room had taken on a purple hue, and I felt so in tune with it somehow that my mood was actually purple.
LSD has a similar introspective quality to shrooms at times, but typically for me it has less emotional impact. I continue to be plagued by the tense neck issue with every type of psychedelic that I have tried. It’s like my body is trying to remain grounded through the experience. I keep my massage pillow handy during trips, and it feels incredible to work out those knots while tripping.
That is not to say that I have never had a negative LSD experience. When it gets too introspective, I end up in a similar place as I did with shrooms, feeling like we humans are just doing life wrong, trapped in this capitalistic society. It makes me feel stuck and powerless to change my circumstances in any meaningful way. I have to keep getting up and going to work every day, to earn barely enough money to maintain our modest lifestyle, on repeat forever. It can make life feel pretty bleak.
The Candy Flip
We decided to try a candy flip (LSD and MDMA), the idea being that it is impossible to go negative while rolling on molly, so anything that came up would be framed in a positive light. (See Shane’s post for details about parts of the candy-flip experience). It was so intense that it was almost painful at times. We both experienced ego-death.
Shane explains this better than I can, but he came out of it feeling like he had been a god, at one with the universe. I had the definite sense that I had disintegrated to just energy, my physical form gone. I was afraid for parts of it because I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get back. It uncomfortable losing my grip on reality. Although I wouldn’t call the experience as a whole negative, it is definitely not something I will be doing again for a good long time.
Shane and I both feel that the aftermath of LSD can make us see things more clearly, to come at problems from a different angle or perspective. We have had some really good talks in the come-down from LSD, and we’ve made profound changes in our lives based on these conversations.
2C-B: LSD lite?
Shane can maybe chime in here with what this substance actually is. [Shane: Um…no? I mean, I can point readers to our glossary entry, which has some info.] I’d describe it as having the visuals of LSD but not the psychedelic head space. So it is just trippy fun without so much introspection. It is fun to have sex on: It heightens sensations and can create a feeling of one-ness with your partner. Unfortunately, the reports of awesome sexy-time to be had by mixing 2C-B with MDMA led to one of our biggest lifestyle blunders.
But that is a story for another time!
So What Next?
I am not sure. Shane might be right that I tend to fight the experiences too much, although I am not doing it on purpose. I try to let go and give in to it. But the fact that I have to try so hard might be impacting my trips too much.
Or maybe some of this just isn’t for me. But it is near impossible to tell the difference!
At least with psilocybin, I feel like I am not reacting the way I am “supposed” to. The way I keep reading about and Shane keeps telling me about. I feel like I am missing something profound. I have had enough fun on LSD that I feel more sure about continuing to use that.