I enjoy self examination and exploration. This blog has been an avenue for that. As well as promoting illicit substances and talking about kinky sex. Three of my favorite things! We’ve talked about MDMA a few times on this blog and with good reason: It pairs well with sex, parties, personal connections, and the lifestyle. I’m taking a bit of a turn this time. I’m discussing how I’ve used psychedelics for self-exploration and improvement.
I have found psychedelics to be an incredibly powerful tool for introspection. More than just introspection, in fact. They’ve helped me change negative patterns of thoughts and behavior and helped me move toward a more joyous life. In this post, I’m going to dive into an issue that’s plagued me since I was an adolescent, talk about how both psychedelics and the lifestyle have shined a light on this particular problem, then reveal how a recent trip pushed me toward a breakthrough.
If you read last week’s post, you saw I was recently made aware of the Enneagram by Adam and Eve of the Spiritual Swingers podcast. Basically, it is a nine-part system for generalizing human personalities. This led me to a much deeper dive into considering some of my patterns of behavior. Patterns I wasn’t particularly happy about: I tend to get pretty negative on myself.
Fortunately, I had some help getting myself out of it.
A Bit About Psychedelics Before We Go On
I’ve done a few psychedelics now—LSD, psilocybin (the active psychedelic in mushrooms), and 2c-b mostly—at varying doses. I’ve learned a lot about myself and, I feel, about the universe as a whole. One of the big questions that comes up after experiencing these journeys is, “How do you know it wasn’t all just in your head?”
The easy answer is, “Everything happens in your head.”
Where does consciousness even come from? Is it based on perception? Because all perception is just electrical impulses and chemical reactions in our brain. In fact, the things we can hear, see, smell, taste, and touch are a tiny fraction of the known universe. And given that our current “known universe” only became known to science in the last few centuries, how much of the unknown universe still lies out there beyond our ability to detect?
Is it possible that there are substances on this planet that have the ability to open up pathways in our mind to allow our brains to perceive things that we usually cannot? Maybe to alter our view of time and reality for a brief moment to give us a glimpse behind the curtain that is the order our brains try to create of the natural, known world?
I don’t know. And I’m not going to try to convince you. I’ve experienced things I don’t believe would be possible without taking a substance.
I’ve also come to realizations and understandings about myself I certainly could have come to without taking these substances, but psychedelics helped me get there faster and pushed me to fully comprehend and absolutely believe in what I was shown. It’s this last bit I’m talking about today. The other stuff I’ll tackle another time.
Lemme ‘Splain. No, There’s No Time. Lemme Sum Up.
When I originally wrote this piece, I took a deep dive into some of my standard operating behaviors. Patterns and personality traits that would demonstrate how I react to the various stimuli of the world.
This was a necessary step for me to fully realize an overarching theory of Shane’s behavior, but it was much too much for a blog post. And probably not very interesting.
As I revealed in my post about the Enneagram, I have one major fear/anxiety: that I am a disappointment to others, particularly to those I care about. This comes through as an unease in feeling needed. I like feeling wanted. I don’t like being needed.
This mindset pushes me toward constant self-improvement. Not that that’s a bad thing, but it comes from a belief that the current version of me isn’t good enough. If I could just be better than maybe I won’t let everyone down. It also means I read way too much into casual comments. I often feel like I’m being evaluated, especially by family, and I react defensively to that.
That’s my downward spiral:
I’m not good enough.
I push myself to improve.
I decide I have not improved enough.
Rinse and repeat.
Too Much Self-Importance
Many of my hangups come from a place of putting too much importance on the things I do and my ability to affect the world. Kind of.
It isn’t actually too much self-importance because what I believe is that everyone has the capability to improve or ruin things for anyone else around them. I believe humans are more likely to bring each other pain than to give each other joy. Not that we have a greater capacity for one, only a greater propensity. Myself included.
And I judge myself harshly for misusing this power.
But is it power I even have?
Using Your Powers for Good
I often say I have the goal of making other people smile or laugh once every day. And people go, “Aw, that’s a great goal!”
Is it, though?
I begin to wonder if this sort of thinking hasn’t created a sense in me that it is then on my shoulders to create happiness in others. I don’t actually tally up every day based on the success or failure of this; it’s just a mindset. But is it a particularly good one to have?
After all, if I can create happiness for others and create a net positive to the Universe, then aren’t I ethically responsible to do so?
And if I have the ability to create happiness then, by extension, I have the ability to destroy it. Destroying someone’s happiness—whether on purpose or just general fuck-whittery—is ethically and morally wrong.
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
A few months ago, Erin and I were at a swingers’ club, saw a couple we had been in contact with beforehand (as in we’d seen each other on the sign-up list and reached out to say “hey, if we happen to see each other there, we should say ‘hi!’”), and went up to say hi. We chatted a little bit. We went on our way. Great couple. Maybe we’ll see them again sometime. Maybe not.
When I looked back at that meeting the next day, my immediate thought was, “What the fuck, Shane! That couple had been talking to some other people. You guys went up and inserted yourself into a conversation to say ‘hi’, possibly cock-blocking everyone! What were you thinking? You might have ruined at least four people’s night. Good job, you fuck-whit.”
I’m not sure I called myself a fuck-whit, but it’s something I might do, so I’ll leave it.
A few days later, I finally mentioned to Erin how much this was still bothering me.
Erin was shocked. As she put it, I was putting way too much importance on myself to think that I had the power to ruin other people’s good time. We didn’t monopolize that couple’s evening. We just said hi. It would have been weirder to stand back and wait for them to be completely free. And it might never have happened!
Fair points, well made.
This is all part of a larger issue for me: I don’t feel comfortable interrupting ongoing conversations. I’m good at engaging with people in small-group situations; sit me with people I don’t know at a wedding, and I’ll make friends with everyone at my table. At cocktail parties or meet & greets, however, I’ll happily stand back and never talk to anyone.
Undaunted Our Hero Plunges On
I used to get really negative around Christmas. I was a notorious Grinch through most of December. I felt guilty about not doing more to help people in need, and I was mad at the whole world for indulging in capitalistic greed. The very idea of wanting something for Christmas angered me—and all I would hear from Thanksgiving until Christmas was “What do you want?”
World peace and the end of poverty were not considered appropriate answers.
It wasn’t just around Christmas that I would fall into a kind of “I’m not doing enough to better the world” depressive cycle, but it happened every December like clockwork since I was like 12 or so. It’s definitely an aspect of putting too much importance on myself.
I’ve gotten much better about this. I still don’t get excited for Christmas much to Erin’s dismay, but I don’t get overloaded by guilt and anger.
What happened? I tripped on LSD.
The Wisdom of Alice D.
It’s kind of funny, because the LSD (which my friend and I sometimes refer to as Alice D., so like “I talked to Alice, and she said…”) “told” me the same thing Erin did, only Alice told it to me over a year ago. I just didn’t expand the message across all aspects of my life.
Alice said I was putting way too much burden on myself around Christmas. Other people were put in this world with more power, money, and influence than I was, and they were doing fuck-all to make it a better place. If they weren’t doing it, what made me think I could do it myself? Why should I expect that of myself? Let that guilt go. Do what you can in your own sphere, but don’t take on the sorrows of the world.
Another trip showed me how everything is interconnected. I imagined that the Earth was made up of one large bundle of ribbon, and each person had that ribbon do up into them, make them up, and then go back into the world. As if every person, place, and thing as all made from this one unbroken ribbon. Sometimes negativity tugged the ribbon somewhere, and it swelled and reacted like a stubbed toe. But in time, it would pass and go back to normal.
As connected as everything was, I was such a small, insignificant part of the entire ribbon, I couldn’t tug enough on my own to pull back the swelling that happened somewhere else.
This doesn’t make me powerless, but it did show me I’m not as responsible as I felt.
Hippie Love
I’m not going to get into it, but let me just say that some of this recent introspection put me into a bit of a mood funk. Not only can I sink too far into such introspection, but as noted I judge myself harshly. I find all the places I deem myself lacking and attack myself for not being better.
And not just “better” but not living up to a model of near perfection that would be impossible for almost anyone to actually achieve.
I had a wonderful experience a couple weeks back that shook me out of it. I had my first hippie flip, a combination of psilocybin (shrooms) and MDMA.
I find shrooms can be a bit harsher than LSD. Alice and I usually have fun. We dance. She shows me cool things. Sometimes she gives me ideas for stories to write. We have interesting philosophical debates.
Shrooms can reveal things they feel you need to know, whether you want to go there or not. I’ve never had a bad trip, but I’ve had some uncomfortable experiences that made me sit back and evaluate. But I’ve always learned something.
A hippie flip takes that strong focus on self-inspection but adds the unconditional love and happiness of MDMA. I basically spent three hours examining myself and feeling nothing but positivity—which you should understand at this point is not my norm.
I constructed a new image of myself in my mind. A person I am happy to be. And it wasn’t a visualization of a future goal, but an idea of me, now. I look in the mirror and feel content with who’s looking back.
Eve’s Words of Affirmation
I’m big into self-exploration, meditation, chakra balancing, and all that hippie stuff. Peace and love, my brothers and sisters! Which is why I really got into listening to the Spiritual Swingers.
In Episode 18 (time 33:12), Eve brought up balancing the throat chakra, which is the chakra associated with communication, with certain words of affirmation. I like that kind of thing, and have my own mantras I repeat to myself throughout my day.
At 36:05, she read this one: “I am free to use my words without any concern about what others will do with them.”
Basically, don’t put too much stock in the things you say (so long as you aren’t trying to be hurtful, I should add) because you cannot control how people will interpret or react. Be yourself, be genuine, be honest; the energy you put out is the energy you attract. Focus on your own energy, not the energies of others.
I actually started my hippie flip listening to this bit again, and then going over to Eve’s recommended YouTube station, Late Blooming Light Worker, and listening to the Affirmations for Chakric Health playlist.
That’s a hell of a way to start a trip! 10/10, would do again.
Waiting for the Master
There is an old saying that goes something like this, “When the disciple is ready, the Master will appear.” I heard it many years ago, probably in one of the New Age/metaphysics books I was big into back in high school.
I’m New Age-y enough to admit that I’ve believed in that idea ever since. And I’ll admit that I’ve sent my pulses out into the universe arrogantly declaring myself ready for the Master to appear and teach me. And sometimes less arrogantly offering myself as a ready pupil waiting to be filled with knowledge.
I thought (hoped) the Universe would provide, but no Master was ever forthcoming.
On my hippie flip, I had a different thought. I realized that I already possess all the information and guidance I need. I might require the assistance of ancient wisdom and mindful philosophy to access it, but it’s within me to know everything I need to know.
My realization was that the truth is more akin to this: When the disciple is ready, he will realize he is the Master.
This doesn’t mean I think I know everything. Only that through careful consideration and self-reflection, I know myself. And that is everything.
In Conclusion
What have I learned from all of this?
I am enough. I am good enough. Rather than “Make other people smile or laugh daily,” which is active and puts too much power and responsibility on my shoulders, my goal should be “Live joyously. That can uplift those around you, and thus they are likely to follow suit. But it’s on them to do so.”
In fact, I saw clearly in my mind what it was like to live joyously, to be satisfied with myself and my place in the world, and how that positivity can radiate out to from me to bolster those around me. Passively.
None of this removed my desire to want to improve, but it certainly has made me look less harshly on myself. In fact, my push toward personal growth comes from a place of love rather than a feeling deficiency. I am doing my best. And that’s awesome! Focus on the self. The world around will follow.
As for the not-wanting-to-interrupt-people…I did get a kick in the pants there, too. Not that I think I’ll be better at it, not without significant practice. But I had a surge of desire to get better at it. I guess I have a new avenue for self-improvement.
This psychedelic uplift doesn’t last. Life wears the afterglow down, but I find it doesn’t erode it away completely. I know my self-reproach will return, but I also now have an experience to combat that feeling. I have an absolute knowledge and believe that I am good enough. I know what that feels like. And I can bring that feeling back to help me push forward.