A recent conversation with my sister-in-law has had me mulling over the idea of opening up about our lifestyle antics. Basically, outing ourselves to vanilla friends. Or at least some of them.
I have always had the fear that we would be discovered on one of the sites, and we are very much in the closet with our vanilla friends about our non-monogamous activities. Being recognized online bothers me a lot more than it does Shane, who shrugs and says something about mutually assured destruction.
So here is the conversation that kicked off this particular bout of introspection:
Sister-in-law: I have to tell you something. Don’t freak out because it is no big deal! Actually, you might already know. Do you?
Me: I guess not….
SIL: Let’s just say I came across a profile. The only way I could have seen said profile is if I myself also had a profile.
One of My Worst Fears Realized
In the moments immediately following that message, my mind went through a bunch of scenarios: We will have to shut everything down. This is way worse than the time one of Shane’s coworkers found us on a site. If my SIL saw it, who else that we know can see it? Is Shane even going to want to know this about his brother? Family get-togethers are going to be so awkward!
My momentary freak-out didn’t last long. After all, this is one step removed for me since she and I are married to brothers and not actually related. I knew I didn’t have to worry that she would “out” us to the family. If it had been one of my siblings I think I would have had a much harder time with it.
I found out that the way they practice non-monogamy is different from us in that they date separately, so their model is a bit closer to polyamory than it is to swinging. She was very supportive and kind of “you go, girl!” about it, and I came out of the conversation feeling like my life choices had been validated. We have always gotten along (more so than the brothers we are married to!), but it definitely felt like we made a deeper connection.
So what I thought was one of my worst nightmares actually ended up being a positive experience. I found myself envying her confidence; she really wasn’t concerned about people finding out. She said she has worked for a long time on self-acceptance, societal norms are changing, and we shouldn’t be embarrassed about the decisions we have made in our relationships.
Our Silence Affects Our Friendships
I feel like I have to censor a lot about our lives to our vanilla friends. When asked what I did last weekend or what we have been up to, I have lots of interesting stories! For example, this past weekend we went to the Pleasure Garden Club on Saturday night (and met Richard and Lauren from the Room 77 podcast!) and met a fiery couple on Sunday afternoon (and we ended up shutting down the restaurant that evening).
We have fun stories, but none of our friends will ever know them. It can feel a bit isolating. I have interesting things to share, but I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t, so I end up with nothing to say. My reticence keeps me from making deeper connections with people.
I am not sure what to do with all of this yet, but it has been on my mind a lot. Part of what holds me back is the idea (right or wrong) that friends would not want details about my sex life. Sex is talked about in the broadest of terms, but our group of friends don’t really get into specifics. Since swinging is so sex-based, that would be hard to get around. I don’t want to impose this information upon people who would not want to know.
But also, the only way to normalize things like this is to talk about them.
So what do you all think? Do we stay in the closet or try outing ourselves to vanilla friends?