Consent in the Lifestyle: Easy and Sexy

Consent in the Lifestyle: Easy and Sexy

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I already did a post about consent in my marriage and the concept of preconsent. How open and honest communication has helped Erin and I establish boundaries for our fantasies, which allowed us to feel safe and secure exploring our kinks. This has helped us embrace the swinger lifestyle. This analogy came to mind: When we weren’t having deep communication about our desires, we thought our playground was limited to our own yard. Once we opened up to each other, we realized we had an entire neighborhood. Of course, opening up to other people can be tricky, and consent in the lifestyle is different than consent in our marriage.

First of all, elements of preconsent go out the window. In most marriages in western society, acts of affection are assumed: Spouses can hug, kiss, and touch without needing to ask. But in the lifestyle, I’m not interacting with my wife. My wife and I are interacting with another person or couple or group.

Furthermore, lifestyle interactions can happen at a much faster pace than one-on-one dating. After all, it took six months of dating before I touched Erin’s naked tit (though to be fair, we were 18 at the time). I doubt anyone in the lifestyle wants to wait that long.

Lifestyle interactions are further complicated by there being more people with whom to establish connections and attractions. I don’t just have to be attracted to the other woman of the couple. I need to at least trust the other guy before consenting to let him playing with my wife.

More than a four-way street if you are in a large group, but for this discussion, I’m keeping it to two couples for ease. The same idea applies to a threeway or 10-person orgy (more on those later).

The Joneses of We Gotta Thing fame just had a podcast about consent, and they made some great points that I’ll just mention to get them out there:

  1. Just because someone gave explicit consent for something, that doesn’t mean you now have absolute permission and can go full steam ahead. Be mindful and attentive to make sure the person is enjoying themselves.
  2. Consent doesn’t need to be a direct question and explicit answer. There are ways to make it flirty.
  3. Make sure when you give consent you mean it. If you are unsure, don’t say yes until you are ready.

There was one element in this conversation I thought they were going to talk more about, and point 3 in that list kind of touches on it, but I’m going to delve into it more.

If Erin and I are on a date with another couple, there are four people from whom I need consent before we can play. Considering we’re already to this point, Erin and I have already given each other consent; we wouldn’t get to this point without it. I also need the consent of the lady in the other couple as well as her husband. I can’t kiss her unless I know they are on board.

But more than that, I also need my consent to kiss her. I have to believe that it is OK to kiss her. I have to give myself permission to do so. This isn’t just wanting to do so. I might desire to kiss her (and more) quite a bit, but if I haven’t accepted that I’m allowed to do so, if I haven’t fully embraced that and given myself permission, I’m either going to be holding back in the moment or I’m going to feel guilty later. Either of those outcomes can create issues.

This personal consent takes a certain amount of soul searching. There are multiple levels. I noted in my post about why I’m bad at flirting that I haven’t fully embraced the lifestyle. After 15 years of marriage and only ever having dated one woman, it’s a little tough to fully accept I’m allowed to touch and kiss and fuck other ladies. (Though for me, it’s the flirting part I have the trouble with, not the sex!)

This is personal consent. I need to give myself consent to behave in a lifestyle-appropriate way. If I don’t, then I’m sending out confusing signals, misrepresenting myself in the lifestyle—we’re not actually a full-swap couple if I can’t give myself consent fuck another woman—and potentially causing a unbalance in play that can lead to disappointment and/or hurt feelings.

If Erin and I have consented to full swap with another couple, and Erin and the other guy are going at it with abandon but I can’t bring myself to fuck the other wife, I’m doing everyone else in that room a disservice by throwing off the balance. I’m probably also making the other wife wonder what’s wrong with her that I’m not into fucking her when really it’s my own issue to deal with.

In this hypothetical, I’m not suggesting I need to suck it up and fuck. My point here is that if this happens, I need to consider why it happened and if I’m representing myself correctly in the lifestyle. Soul searching. Be true to yourself…but also be honest with others.

There is also specific personal consent, which is specific to the person with whom you are interacting. Even after I have embraced that I’m a swinger, I need to give myself consent on an individual basis. This one is likely easier for people. If you have that connection and desire, it’s easy to consent to go further.

If you don’t want to play with someone, if you are hesitating to give yourself consent to kiss, touch, or whatever with a person, then something is wrong. The attraction, chemistry, or even just the right level of arousal isn’t there yet, and you shouldn’t consent to anything. This aligns with point 3 from the list above.

Don’t say yes until you are ready. Never allow yourself to be pressure force you into a situation you don’t want to be in; even if everyone is keen to go ahead, you don’t have to say yes to please the group. Don’t take one for the team.

Before we started into the lifestyle, Erin and I had many talks about how to set rules and boundaries with other couples and how to reject people graciously. We’re slow to play, preferring to establish friendships first and build on that connection and chemistry. We were concerned that our slow-build style would either be a deterrent for people or that we might get bulldozed by bednotchers into something we weren’t ready for.

Adding to this is that we’re both people-pleasers and go out of our way to make sure others are happy, enjoying themselves, and doing so at our own mental and emotional expense. Erin more so than I. Or I should say Erin is more taxed by this than I am.

This led us to worry that we could end up in situations we didn’t want and doing things we weren’t comfortable with out of a natural hesitation to say no. Erin more so than I ‘cause I’m freaky and am down for whatever, mostly. Anything I’m not down for…well, it would probably be real weird for someone to suggest any of those things right out of the blue.

We both came into the lifestyle worrying that we’d have trouble setting our rules, getting consent from others, and saying no when we need to.

It’s Easier Than We Thought

We know we’re not exceptional. No no, dear reader, it’s true. Awesome? Yes. Exceptional? Not really. Others in the lifestyle fit into our same mold. Social swingers. Sapiosexuals. Want to try an orgy. Love tits in my face and ladies in lingerie. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Everyone else has the same concerns, too: How do I let these people down gently? How do we get what we want from this situation? How do we make sure we don’t cross anyone’s lines?

Sure, not everyone in the lifestyle is upfront and honest. Some people will push boundaries and others will purposefully try to break them. Possibly sneakily or aggressively. But for the most part, the community is full of good and decent people who want the best for each other.

Time and again we’ve met great people and had lots of fun without things progressing to anything sexual. No one has pressured us nor has anyone taken offense to being told no. Everyone has respected our boundaries. [Cue Erin coming in with a time I’m not remembering in 3…2…1…]

Nothing? OK, good to go!

You certainly can ruin the mood with how you get consent, but there are plenty of ways to make it sexy. I’d like to note that in the article I just linked to, the author suggests that it is men who were puzzled and thought it would break the mood, but of the two of us, Erin was the one who worried about this the most when we were just starting in the lifestyle.

Even as we listened to podcasters talk about going to rooms with other couples and asking about their rules and limits, she’d note how she thought that experience would interrupt the flirting and fun and just kill the mood.

Turns out, not so much!

Chat Before Moving to Play

That’s usually how we’ve experienced things in the lifestyle. Most of the time, rules and boundaries have been established over text chats or casual talk beforehand, so when we get to playing, it’s a simple check in: “This is good?” or “Everything is OK?” or as one lovely lady says to me with a cute, coy smile: “Are you having fun?”

Yes. Yes, I am. Lots of fun!

Ice breaker games like The Game of Lifestyle (AKA The Dumb Card Game if you are We Gotta Thing fans) can also help here. The green cards initiate conversations that get people familiar with boundaries and can be used to give upfront consent. The red cards get things physical. If a card says spin the bottle and grope the person indicated, it’s usually easy to judge if the person on the receiving side is into the result, but equally easy to quirk an eyebrow and ask if that’s cool.

Agreeing to play gives a level of implied consent for taking the actions on the cards, but that consent can be revoked if someone is uncomfortable with what is prescribed. This provides another avenue for sussing out boundaries and comfort levels.

But sometimes even we move into situations where there is little to no pre-established relationship.

This didn’t happen to us. It was just a story relayed to us by another couple. That couple was at a swingers club, it was getting late, and they wanted to get their swing on before the club closed. They looked around at the other couples still out and about, went up to the ones they found the most attractive, and just said, “It’s already one o’clock. Want to get a room with us?”

“Um, sure!” came the response.

“Cool! We’re full swap. What are your rules? We’d down for whatever.”

Done! Everyone had a good time.

Though I cannot remember if we were told if they ever swapped info or got back together with that other couple….

Asking Even When It Was Very Much Implied

Here’s one that did happen to us:

Erin and I were at a kink night at The Private Affair a couple weeks back. Erin’s a big fan of the St. Andrew’s cross, and they had one there, along with a…hmmm…I don’t think it’s correct to call him a Dom cause he was just demo-whipping people. I mean, he might be a Dom, but I think I need more info before making that call.

A St. Andrew’s cross. I need to make one of these. And find somewhere to store it.

“Not the point, Shane!”

Right, sorry. We’re checking out his gear (the whips and stuff!). He asked Erin a few questions like “Do you like being tied up?” She does. “Do you prefer sting or thwack?” Thwack, as it turns out. After he and I cuffed her to the cross, I sat down on the bed that was in the room to give him space to work.

Before he even started, he leaned in to Erin and asked if he had her permission to flog her. After she says yes, he turned to me and asked if he had my permission to flog my wife. Of course I said yes, but I thought that was really classy of him. Both of us had already implied consent simply with the act of getting Erin tied up and picking out striking implement, but he still asked. 

Asking Permission Can Be Sexy

We’ve had a couple experiences playing with others at the clubs, but fewer at The Pleasure Garden club as I explain in the review I of the club I wrote for Room 77. We’d spent some time getting to know one of the host couples on our previous trips, I’ll call them D (male) and S (female), and had built a rapport but never played with them. The topic hadn’t come up; we never really discussed rules or boundaries with them.

One time at the club Erin and I started playing together in the side room on one of the benches. The lights are dim in there, but we were still out in the open in a general playroom—we discovered pretty quickly from our early club visits that we’re exhibitionists.

As we’re fucking, D and S came into the room and watched for a little. We made eye contact and exchanged conspiratous smiles. They come closer.

D asked Erin if he can touch her tits, which were on display. She said yes, and he started groping. S asked if she can touch us. We both agreed, and then her hands were on Erin’s pussy and my cock.

S then asked if she can suck my cock. Erin and I hadn’t expected to play with anyone else, so we gave each other a look. Fortunately we know each other well enough to read such looks. I believe it was Erin who told S yes, and I agreed.

From there, the four of us up moved to a private room and soft swapped.

D and S were a great “Yoda couple” to borrow an expression from Swinging Downunder. They demonstrated how to engage another couple, how to get consent, and that doing so doesn’t need to be awkward or disruptive to play.

I’m lifting this one from That Couple Next Door. I’m not sure if they called it this or if that’s just how Erin and I started referring to it. You can hear about the process in their episodes The Perfect Orgy (time: 43:30), The Graduation Orgy (time: 20:22), and Niko & Stella Swing on the PlayGRND (time 18:40).

I believe the first time this method was employed was during The Perfect Orgy. People were already naked and playing around with lotions and massaging and the like. Realizing that a 10-person orgy is difficult to navigate, even amongst known friends, the group called a pause on the action, and everyone went around listing what they are each OK with and not OK with, what they like and what are their limits.

In the other two episodes, this circle of consent is used as an ice breaker and party starter. It happened when the group gets into the room and before too much is even going on.

We’ve never been in an orgy, but should the situation arrive, we want to do this. Not only does it get everything out there for everyone clearly and distinctly, it sounds like a hot and sexy way to do so.

Check With the Person You Came With

As I said before, consent in the lifestyle has to come from everyone involved in the play, not just the person with whom you are directly interacting.

Cate and Darrell of the Swinging Downunder podcast highlighted this in one of their early podcasts. Darrell had full permission to full swap with the lady in another couple. He swaps out for a bit, but later moves back to do her in “the dog” (which is what he calls doggy style, and it makes me laugh every time!) and Cate has a bit of reaction when she sees him fucking the other lady again because she didn’t expect it. (time: 45:10)

To his credit, Darrell says that he should have checked before doing it, that just because he had Cate’s permission to fuck this other woman earlier in the night does not mean he had permission to do so again.

Erin and I paused the podcast after this story to discuss this because neither of us would have thought this was an issue. If we consented to full swap with another couple, we both assumed it was blanket permission to continue to full swap throughout the same event. We could rescind permission at any time (Mistletoe!), but we never thought about checking in again.

We could both see the value in that and understand Cate’s reaction. Between Erin and myself, that kind of check in can just be eye contact, a smile, and a nod. We know each other well enough for that to work.

As we continue to establish relationships with couples, we move from needing explicit consent to developing levels of preconsent. After a few full swaps with our friends…Han and Leia (this is what happens when I let people pick their own pseudonyms for this blog…NERDS!), I don’t need to check in with Erin or the other couple if it’s OK for me to hug and kiss Liea. As we learn to understand each others’ nonverbal cues and develop a rapport, we can be more subtle in how we give consent.

But just because we played with someone once doesn’t mean we can assume they want that level of interaction with us again. We still need to be wary of reactions, respectful of signs, and occasionally check in to make sure everything is still good.

After all, we want to make sure the answer to “Are you having fun?” is always a resounding “Yes!”