A “brief” backstory about this post: Last week, Cate of Wanderlust Swingers shared an Instagram Story from…someone else I cannot remember. (Yes, once again, this is all Cate’s fault.) I’ll reach out to Cate to ask if she still has a copy. (Proper attribution of quotes is important to me.) But I asked why people want to be try to be monogamous even when they continue to behave “nonmonogamously”—cheating specifically, not consensual nonmonogamy (CNM)?
Edit: And of course Cate came through! This is exactly what thiskindagirl2022 said:
Which I translated to “why is cheating more acceptable than non monogamy?” You might disagree with that interpretation. But that’s the question upon which I ruminated.
As often happens, I had a whiff of any idea, so I started a reply. By the time Instagram stopped my prose, I had written the message in the next section. The original was a little shorter (I added very little) and had more typos. Shortly after, Cate asked if she could share what I had said. I had no qualms (but I think I lamented the typos, so she fixed them, bless her).
I figured if Cate thought it interesting enough to share, then maybe other people would think it interesting to read. And if that’s the case, then maybe I could publish it somewhere more permanent than social media.
And because I happen to know a guy with a blog that usually accepts my wackadoo musings….
A blog that’s been far too long without an update. I’ve been working on new pieces, but they aren’t in the “close to publishable” zone yet. Though, hopefully I’ll have a better posting flow once they start rolling out. But my random ass comment? It’s 100% Shane-written content!
And because Instagram has a character limit (always got to be careful about those!), it’s not that long.
In fact, at this point, this Intro is probably way longer than…. Oh. Huh. I should shut up now.
The “Monogamous” Cheater Versus the Faithful Nonmonogamist
If someone in a monogamous relationship cheats, it is a stumble. A mistake.
An accidental slip into the evils of hedonism and sexual pleasure. People can be forgiven for their mistakes. Over and over and over.
It doesn’t matter if the cheater goes back to the original partner or moves on to another partner—even if they end up with the person they cheated with. That return to monogamy is their redemption arc. They made a mistake but came back to grace. They are a stronger person now and further along their hero’s journey.
The monogamous cheater gets cast as the person who is trying to be good but gets tempted by wickedness.
The faithful non monogamous—who has sex with people other than their partner but with the partner’s knowledge and enthusiastic consent; you know, consensual nonmonogamy (CNM; also known as Not Cheating)—purposefully lives in a state of perpetual wickedness and, therefore, isn’t trying to redeem themselves.
So ensconced in evil and willing to buck social norms, this non monogamous person is a wild card. A threat. They don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage. To what else might they reject? Driving the speed limit? Taxes? Systemic racism and sexism?
What I Didn’t Get to Say
I stopped there because Instagram made me. At least it did so at a decent place to stop!
I think it comes down to the basic cultural belief in the U.S. that monogamy is emotionally and spiritually better for us. That it represents an appropriate way to live. That it is the only way mature, well-adjusted adults can have a loving and fulfilling relationship. That anything “less than” monogamy is less than perfect—by holy decree.
Monogamy is the superior relationship style. Or so we are led [indoctrinated] to believe.
Before Reading On
Remember when I said this was short? It was. And then I just went full-Shane all over this thing, and no one should ever go full-Shane. Not even Shane. It’s just too much Shane.
Feel free to ditch out now. You saw the comment on the post that was shared. That storyline is complete. What follows is just another way to conceptualize and evaluate the values of our culture.
Looking at It Another Way
I can’t claim full credit for this; my running buddy described this thought experiment somewhere around mile three in a seven-mile run. I believe he believes he got it from Esther Perel’s podcast. Not my best showing of precision, I know.
I also added the nonmonogamous couple to the idea-that-might-be-Perel’s.
Couple A has all the typical ups and downs a marriage provides. They discover nonmonogamy somewhere between 15 and 20 years into their marriage. Sure they have some rocky patches and some feelings get hurt along the way, but they learn to communicate better than they thought possible, their cups runneth over with desire for each other, and they live bountiful lives full of adventure, deep friendships, and passion for each other.
Couple B thinks people who engage in CNM do so because they have problems in their relationship and are too scared to break up. An odd belief, perhaps, considering each partner has a dalliance or two while married. The details aren’t important; suffice to say it was undeniably cheating. But they never stopped loving their partner, and after these events, they resolved to do better. When they passed away, they regretted any hurt they had caused each other but were very much still in love.
Couple C have an unhappy marriage, but they stick together “for the kids.” Fear of humiliation in the eyes of their community and of wrathful retribution from on high keep them faithful. Bitterly, resentfully faithful. Needs went unmet. Desires unfulfilled. But they clung to monogamy because they knew that was The Right Way. By the time they pass, theirs is a loveless, joyless, sexless marriage. Their last breath was a prayer that “until death do us part” was literal and now they are rid of each other.
Which Is the More Successful Marriage?
Let’s ignore the fact that marriages cannot be compared and that there is no actual metric to define success in terms of marriage. Let’s simply consider which of these couples society holds up as an ideal worthy of emulation.
As you consider this, be wary to not infer intention that is not there. The example does not say that Couple A was happy only because they were CNM. Rather, they were happy and were CNM.
Couple B cheated on each other. Nothing suggests being CNM would have prevented that or improved their relationship.
Couple C was miserable. They were bad for each other from the start and felt trapped by the first pregnancy. CNM was not going to improve that situation.
The value CNM might have on a relationship is not the point of this exercise. The question is simply which of these marriages is cast as the most successful, the one most worthy of emulation, in our culture?
Couple A
The various spiritual beliefs that most strongly steer the leanings of Western Society would have us believe that their version of the Divine Entity has made proclamations indicating that what Couple A did was immoral. That they did it openly, proudly, purposefully, and unapologetically makes them blasphemers and adulterers destined for the second circle of hell (if you believe in such fiery lore as that).
I’m willing to guess that most of my audience will say Couple A has an enviable relationship, and that we should all be so lucky. No surprise there.
However, I think it unlikely that the majority of the U.S. population would think that this is an acceptable model for a marriage. But who knows? Maybe the reason monogamists disparage nonmonogamy is because they just don’t think a relationship can last with those parameters. If so, then they might agree that this would be great, but it’s not possible.
Couple B
Couple B had tickets to the Second Circle Lust Club as well, but only briefly. They repented for these awful affronts to the Divine Entity, and their penance allowed them to switch rides to somewhere more Good but less Fun.
I think cheating has become much more forgivable in recent years, and honestly, I’m for that. People make mistakes. An indiscretion doesn’t need to sound the death knell of a relationship. Hell, it no longer sounds the death knell of a political career!
This example doesn’t define the cheating event. Was it one stolen kiss in a moment of weakness? A drunk mistake? An affair spanning months? Patterns of deceptive and duplicitous behavior across years? That will change how acceptable and forgivable the cheating is.
And just a quick note, if anyone wants to name a lifestyle club the Second Circle Lust Club, feel free. But can I get a lifetime membership and no cover charge?
Couple C
Couple C was pure and righteous and proper from beginning to end. Never once were they bound for somewhere exciting. Their slow, mirthless march through life was testament of devotion to the Divine Entity. As I see it, of the three, this is the relationship most worthy of emulation simply because neither of them had sex outside the marriage.
It does not matter that they were just as faithful to each other as Couple A were; they kept the sex (when they had it) between each other and allowed no others. And that’s what matters.
This isn’t an enviable relationship, either. But there are people who see a loveless, sexless existence as preferable to committing any act of adultery because their immortal soul is at stake. Better to not be happy than to be happy and sinful.
Some devotees of the Divine Entity would argue that Couple C’s miserable and joyless life makes them even better examples of how people should live. After all, it’s easy to be faithful to your spouse when you have a great relationship. There’s less temptation to stray.
But Couple C? They didn’t even like each other and remained faithful! Fucking hell! Those two were simply bursting with holy righteousness! We should be so lucky as to have a relationship that bad so that we can prove our devotion to the Divine Entity through our suffering! </sarcasm>
Cheating Is More Acceptable Than Nonmonogamy Because Religion
It all comes down to societal norms. The morality norms of a society are often based upon the morality of the prevalent religion. Some people hold that morality cannot exist in the absence of faith in a Divine Entity. Which makes little sense to me. In fact, I think the belief in a Divine Entity who merits out Divine Punishment actually devalues acts of Goodness.
Who are the more moral people? Those who treat others with kindness because they believe in the eternal rewards of heaven and who avoid causing pain to others because they fear the retribution of hell? Or those treat others with kindness and who avoid causing pain because they want to make the lives of their fellow humans better. No other reason required. I want to know that my existence on this planet made life better for those around me. Not just my family or my tribe, but for as many people as I can reasonably manage.
Fortunately, societal morals norms are fluid. The idea that morality requires religion and that infidelity was unforgivable, those are currently fading, or so it seems. But we still have a ways to go!
As long as people think critically about relationships and consider what style works best for them—and not feel a need to enforce their preference on others—we can keep this moving in the right direction.
And we need people to think critically about the Divine Entity and the role he/she/they/it (the Divine Entity’s pronouns depend upon not only your choice of spiritual path but also the accuracy of the translation of the divine scripture) plays in an individual’s life.
Your Spirituality Is Personal Just Like What Counts as Cheating in Your Relationship
My wife cares far more about where I put my penis—and for how long—than my version of the Divine Entity. I believe that both want me to live joyfully, and for that I am grateful.
What about you? What does your concept of the Divine Entity want for you and from?