OK, guys, we need to have a talk. I know that a lot of men are heavily influenced by porn, and maybe my expectations are too high…but I just need to know: Why, oh why, do so many of you employ a technique that Shane and I have dubbed vigorous finger banging (VFB)?
Now, I am a lady who enjoys a good hard fuck. I like being manhandled and can take things a little rough. I am not a delicate flower. However, I have been surprised by the number of lifestyle men who, when presented with an unfamiliar pussy, immediately take two fingers and jam them in up to the knuckle and proceed to pound away hard and fast. Possibly I have been unlucky, but I have encountered this enough and talked to other ladies who have as well, so I feel it needs to be said: Ouch!
From 0 to VFB in Under Three Seconds
In the bad experiences I have had with this, it happens very early in play. Like, the guy goes down and licks my clit for three seconds and then begins the VFB. I don’t even know how to respond to this because it feels so extreme that there isn’t much direction I can give other than “OUCH! Stop that!”
It surprises me every time. I expect men in the lifestyle to have had encounters with enough different women that they would know to take their signals from the lady on how hard and fast she likes it. Surely the first few strokes should be exploratory, right? You need to get a feel for angles, depth, lubrication, and the reaction of the person attached to the pussy!
But what seems obvious to me is apparently not so much to a lot of guys. So I am here to tell you, don’t do this.
I know there are plenty of women out there who enjoy being fingered hard. But I assume that even for those women who do like VFB, you should still let her decide how vigorous she wants it before you go full speed ahead.
Shane edit: This was also the topic of discussion in a recent Swinger Diary podcast “Can you be too soft and gentle with that pretty pussy?” Penn notes, “The single most common complaint heard by lifestyle women after a play session is that he was too rough.” (17:17) “It seems obvious that an unfamiliar partner would certainly start very delicately.” (17:25)
While listening to this episode, we kept nodding along and saying, “Damn VFB!”
Real Life Experience
This phenomenon happened recently in a group play session that involved Shane and I and two other couples. We knew and had already fooled around a bit with couple A. Couple B was friends with couple A, and we had met them that night at the club. We were invited back to a room with all of them.
Shane and I decided to keep things to soft-swap. Although we liked couple B and had enjoyed their company that evening, it usually takes us a couple of meetings before we proceed to full swap with people. I had a great time that evening with both of the ladies in the room! Towards the end of play, after husband B had already had sex with wife A, he asked if he could go down on me. I said yes.
And what I received was a little bit of tongue action, followed quickly by fingers slamming in and out. As I was trying to figure out if I should squirm away or kick him or what, wife B asked if she could have a turn. Yes please!
It seems worth noting that I have never had a VFB experience with a woman.
I talked to wife A afterwards. Her response? “Oh yeah, he did that to me too. I got him to stop by just telling him to fuck me, and that was better.”
I will let Shane regale you with the theory that he developed upon hearing this information.
Shane’s Theory
Oh, I didn’t realize I was filling in my own theory. OK, no problem. I actually have two theories, and since I apparently have free reign now, I’ll regale you with both.
Theory One: Vigorous Finger Banging Is a Con
This theory centers the idea that the guy knows the girl doesn’t like it and will want to move on to sex all the quicker. The example Erin gave above works for this. As soon as the VFB started, Wife A said, “Just fuck me!” Husband B skipped foreplay and got right to fucking. Win! (In his mind. I like foreplay.)
A less “malicious” version of this theory is that the husband thinks the VFB worked and got her so horny and ready for banging that she wanted to go right to fucking. With this version of the theory, at least husband B believed he was doing something well rather than purposefully doing something bad.
Theory Two: “Why Would She Lie About Ice Tongue?”
That heading is an inside joke based off an episode of Scrubs. JD divulges his signature make out move: “I gave her the ol’ ice tongue.” Later when he was told a kiss is better without the cold tongue, he immediately thinks, “Why would she lie?”
Whenever Erin says she doesn’t like something that’s standard in porn, I ask her, “Why would you lie about ice tongue?”
Which is my convoluted way of getting around to my second theory. We men believe certain things are true despite evidence to the contrary. In essence, we think we know what women like even if the feedback we get doesn’t align. Whether our knowledge base comes from our own desires, experience with other women, or porn, we aren’t adapting to the situation at hand.
We just do our thing, believe what we’re doing is awesome, and when we’re told it wasn’t good at all, we wonder why we’re being lied to about ice tongue.
And now, back to Erin!
It’s Not Just Me
I have a semi-regular guy that I play with for hot-wife and MFM sessions. He is married, and he and his wife play both together and separately. I asked him if his wife ever experiences this. He said oh yeah, and she doesn’t put up with that shit. If it happens in a group play session, she pinches him, and he knows it is time to make an excuse to get out of there. I think I need to adopt this attitude. I am willing to redirect, but in my experience that is a temporary fix at best. The VFB keeps coming back.
Shane and I were hanging out with a couple that we have become friends with from our local club. They have been in the lifestyle for years. This subject came up, and the husband from the couple shook his head ruefully. “It’s from porn. We’re sorry.”
Please Fix This!
Just in case guys don’t realize this, I will tell you that being fingered hard does not feel the same as being fucked hard. At least not to me and the other ladies I have discussed this with. So if you are doing this because you think it simulates hard sex, it doesn’t. Fingers feel very different from a cock.
A cock is hard but also soft and flexible at the same time. It doesn’t have knuckles. Or fingernails. A hard cock seems to find its way to fit the angles of the pussy it is fucking. Not so much with fingers. They more or less continue in at the angle they are first introduced, and if that angle is wrong…well as I said earlier, OUCH!
It’s a pretty simple fix, really. The first time your fingers enter a new pussy, go slow and gentle (until otherwise instructed, of course!). Get a feel for it. Do not slam, jam, or pound. Increase speed and intensity as desired by your partner.
Phew! I have been needing to get that off my chest for awhile. Here’s hoping some of you guys take this instruction to heart and save some of us lifestyle women from the unnecessary pain!