As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been thinking about doing boudoir photos for years, but I had always put it off. For one, I am incredibly uncomfortable being the center of attention. And, as I discussed in detail in the last post, I had put it in a category of things that I would do at some nebulous future point when I was thinner. In the spirit of the intuitive eating and HAES philosophy that I’m working on adopting, I decided to take the jump and do the photoshoot. I can’t keep denying myself experiences based on the belief or hope that I will eventually be in a smaller body that I might feel better about.
Finding the Right Boudoir Photographer
A couple things surprised me as I researched options. First, I was disappointed with photographer sites that displayed only people who looked like models. I know that all sorts of people get boudoir photos done because I have seen many posted to the lifestyle groups we are a part of on social media. So I expected to see a range of ages and body types on display. It was immediately off-putting to me when that was not the case, so those options were eliminated right away.
The next surprise was the pricing. I had serious sticker-shock when the first photographer I spoke to told me I would spend over $3,000 for the shoot and the photos. Spending that sort of money on this was out of the question. Thankfully that was the highest price I was quoted. The actual photoshoot prices seemed reasonable to me; they were all around $500. But the price to purchase prints (or have access to them digitally) was way higher than I expected.
Selecting My Boudoir Photographer
There was one photographer that stood out to me as having interesting and unique photos. The website featured people in a wide range of ages and body types, and they also do couples boudoir. They were clearly inclusive. They explicitly made that statement, and it was obvious from the photos. I loved the diversity and inclusiveness, and they also seemed to capture individual personalities really well.
One of their specialties is photographing tattooed brides, which really made me wish I had some tattoos!
I joined the private Facebook group, and then was notified that they were doing a model call in order to test out some of their new sets. If selected, I wouldn’t be charged the fee for the photoshoot and would get a discount on any photos purchased.
The timing worked for me so I decided to be brave and take the chance. I sent in an email with a picture and explained my motivation for wanting to do boudoir photos. To my surprise, the photographer said they would love to use me as a model. He took the time to talk about the process and make sure I was comfortable with everything. He even asked me questions just to get to know me ahead of the shoot.
[Shane: I’ll not interject much in this post, but I wanted to give this point the shout out it deserves: Erin got monetary compensation for posing for pictures in her underwear. My wife is a professional lingerie model!]
The Boudoir Photoshoot
There were two photographers present for the shoot: the man that I had spoken to on the phone and his female assistant. She had a wonderful positive energy and was a great cheerleader throughout the process. They were both very professional but also warm and welcoming, and they did everything possible to make it a positive experience for me.
I had brought several outfits ranging from just an oversized men’s shirt to lacy lingerie to a corset and thigh-high boots. We spent almost four hours taking photos with several sets and outfits.
That part of it is a bit of a blur. I have nothing but good things to say about the demeanor of the photographers and everything that they did to make it a pleasant day. Their energy and positivity was exactly what I needed. I knew going into this that the whole experience would be uncomfortable for me, being in a literal spotlight for hours and especially in lingerie with everything on display.
One of my friends asked me afterwards if I was comfortable, and my response was that I was as comfortable as I think it would be possible for me to be in that situation.
The Photo Selection: Boudoir On the Big Screen
After the photoshoot was over, they put together a snack for me and led me to a comfortable room where I could relax while they went through the photos to show me. I’m sure a good number of the pictures were lighting tests and the like, so they were weeding out the ones they wouldn’t print. After about an hour, they had a slideshow ready to show me.
What I hadn’t been expecting was that they presented the slideshow to me on a huge screen.
So now comes the harder part to explain. In reading testimonials from women who have done boudoir photos (both for this photographer and other sites I was researching), a common trend is women talking about how empowering the experience was. People describe how emotional (in a good way) they got seeing the photos for the first time.
When the photographers came in to start the slideshow, they were so excited to show me and still had all that positive energy that they had during the shoot. I could tell they wanted me to be excited. I wanted to be excited! But as I watched the giant screen unspooling from the ceiling and realized that is what they would be displaying the slide show on, I was filled with trepidation.
What would it be like to see myself nearly naked on a big screen?
Making the Final Selection
It was difficult and uncomfortable to look at so many (huge!) pictures of myself and see every wrinkle, cellulite, and the like. At first, that was all I could see: my flaws presented in giant detail.
The shock took a little time to wear off. We went through the slides several times so that we could move the ones I liked into a favorites folder. After I had weeded out some of the not-so-great shots, it got a little bit easier to look at the pictures. But it was all happening really fast, and I had to make the decisions right then as to which photos I wanted to purchase for an album.
I didn’t have the bandwidth to have the positive emotional experience that other women had described. I felt pretty flat. It was probably partly due to the come-down after a long day, but my initial gut reaction to the pictures was negative. I felt overwhelmed and didn’t feel confident that I was choosing the right shots.
And I felt like I was a disappointment to the photographers, because I wasn’t reacting the “right” way. I felt put on the spot because I had to choose the photos right away, and I didn’t really have time to manage my emotions and get my equilibrium back. I am afraid that maybe I eliminated some shots that I shouldn’t have or chose the wrong ones to keep.
A Timely Podcast Episode from Monogamish Marriage
The Monogamish Marriage podcast recently did an episode about body image, where Kate from Monogomish and April from Naughty Gym talked about their feelings and experiences with their body image struggles. Shane and I listened to it together, and it took us hours to get through the whole thing because we kept pausing it to talk about our reactions. That in itself is a sign of an excellent discussion on an important topic.
A major takeaway for me was that someone can have a negative internal monologue regardless of how objectively attractive they are. It was startling to me to hear two such beautiful women talk about feeling negatively about their bodies.
When April talked about a comment that was made to her when she was young, and how that was the basis for her negative body image, it made me remember when that happened to me. I remember feeling like I was on the outside of social acceptability with regards to my appearance, and that feeling has stayed with me my whole life.
We Process Childhood Trauma Differently
While April and I had that similar experience when we were young, how we are dealing with it as adults is very different. April mentioned that focusing on her fitness and nutrition keeps her mentally healthy (though it took a while before she developed that mindset; her fitness focus was not always healthy).
It took me many years of struggling with diets and exercise to realize that having that focus in my life was harmful to my mental health. I have taken a huge step back from it this past year, and I am still trying to find the right balance of mental, physical, and emotional health.
Kate and April’s authenticity and vulnerability has stayed with me well after listening to the episode.
So here is my vulnerable admission: Shane and I will be attending Podcast-A-Palooza 2022 Palm Springs this year. I am afraid that I will feel like an outsider.
Shane is a fitness fanatic and has made some great connections through his time in the Naughty Gym community. In my mental image of PCAP, everyone there is super toned and into working out. And there is me, the plus-sized girl still working through her trauma around diet and exercise, very specifically not working out. So that’s a thing I need to try to get over before June!
Thank you, Kate and April, for this thought-provoking episode!
Reflecting Back on the Boudoir Experience
I wrote much of this post a few days after the photoshoot. Now that I have received my album and have had more time to process the experience, I am happy that I pushed myself to do it.
Ultimately it was empowering. I am glad that I captured this moment in time when I am going through a transition and working on accepting myself. I think Shane is pleased with the album [Shane: Very much so!], so that is a bonus.
If you ever considered getting boudoir photos, you should pursue it. Make sure you research your photographer because it is a big investment of both time and money. You want to be as sure as you will be happy with the results.