This was supposed to be our announcement post for Podcast-a-Palooza 2022 in Palm Springs. We were going to take turns describing why we’re both a little leery (terrified) of the whole thing. But Erin scooped me. Though not really because my concerns have little to do with my body image issues. Rather, my trepidation stems from social anxiety and introversion, which is odd because I don’t have social anxiety nor am I an introvert.
I’m unconcerned with the problem I have because I’ve always had it. I’m 100% used to feeling that way. Sure, I’d love to not have those issues, but I know how to plow on through.
But how am I supposed to manage my concerns about issues I’ve no experience with? No practice? No years of amassing emotional scars?
I had planned to write a blog post to delve further into the topic of social anxiety and introversion as they relate to (and make difficult) being a swinger after our interview on the Consenting Adults podcast with Leyna Nguyen. Guess I’m finally getting around to it. But as it relates to going to our first hotel take-over. Which is also our first lifestyle trip ever.
Originally I was going to call this post Fear and (Self)Loathing in Palm Springs, but I’m trying this thing where I attempt to be more positive. Not in a fake-it-until-you-make-it kind of way but rather a the-Universe-responds-to-what-you-put-out-there kind of way. That whole you resonate on the frequency that you create.
If you didn’t realize I’m that much of a spiritual hippy, welcome to the Fringe! Here are my friends Alice D. and Molly. They’ll be your guides on this crazy adventure through Wonderland. Slam down the red pill and strap in, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Wait a Second, Shane…. Didn’t You Already Write About This?
Good memory, voice in my head! We did write about how neurotic I was about attending PCAP in 2020. Thanks for bringing that up! I’m sure our reader needed to be reminded I’m neurotic.
Don’t worry, this is a completely different set of issues. Erin revealed her big fear already. My turn.
By the time we’re done we’ve aired all our issues, we’ll have guaranteed that no one will actually be interested in meeting the socially inept neurotic drug people.
Hmm. This whole trending the positive thing is not going well so far….
Social Anxiety and Introversion
Let’s start off, as we so often do, with some definitions:
Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and other daily activities. It can even make it hard to make and keep friends. (From the National Institute of Mental Health; NIMH)
An introvert is a person with qualities of a personality type known as introversion, which means that they feel more comfortable focusing on their inner thoughts and ideas, rather than what’s happening externally. They enjoy spending time with just one or two people, rather than large groups or crowds.
When you hear the word introvert, you might think of someone who’s shy or quiet and prefers to be alone. While that may be true for some introverts, there’s much more to this personality type. Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert all depends on how you process the world around you. (From WebMD)
Surely it’s easy to see how having either of these can make it challenging to interact with new people. Having both, particularly when you have them in droves (as Erin does), makes it that much worse.
But as I said, I’m neither.
Except in Lifestyle situations and apparently after months of quarantine.
Which is why we’re screwed going into PCAP.
Oh, right, trending the positive. Let me flip that: Which is why we won’t be screwed at PCAP.
Am I doing that right?
A Problematic Lack of Social Anxiety
I’ve mentioned before about my issues of shame and guilt over my sexual desires and my particularly self-negging body dysmorphia. Despite these, I don’t usually have issues socializing. I’ve a lot of friends, often have to emcee at work events because no one else will take the stage, and am regularly approached by random people who then ask me questions or just want to chat. My opinions of myself, dark as they might be, don’t hold me back socially. (Did I just manage to trend the positive?) I judge myself so harshly that I don’t care how other people judge me because it can’t be worse than I do. (Nope!)
Odd confidence booster, that!
I wonder if that lack of care about making good impressions is an aspect of an Avoidant Attachment style? We’ve been discussing those recently, Erin and I. Interesting concepts.
How Is a Lack of Social Anxiety a Problem?
It’s more than a lack of social anxiety. I have the opposite of socal anxiety: No fucks to give. Typically I have no fear about being scrutinized. I will gladly and without consideration “embarrass” myself particularly if it will result in a laugh, much to Erin’s chagrin. Silliness and self-deprecating humor are my go tos.
I have little care about presenting myself positively. Mainly because I usually have nothing to gain by generating a positive image of myself in other people in most social situations. I don’t need more friends. I’m certainly not looking for another significant other: I’ve got my soul mate, no more looking required. When I meet new people, there’s no reason for me to put my best self forward because I don’t care what kind of impression I leave, especially in those I’ll never see again. I don’t even need to be honest (though I am because I watched that episode of Mad About You during which Paul and Jamie are on vacation and keep telling other guests different stories about their professions).
However, in Lifestyle situations, there is a reason to want people to have a positive impression. Alas that I have trained myself to have no fucks to give.
A thing I often say when meeting new people, especially new coworkers: “I may not make a good first impression, but I will make an accurate one.” One coworker told me, after we had worked together for a few years, that she remembered that being the first thing I ever said to her and that it remains one of the most true statements she’d ever heard.
For good or ill, I am accurate.
I Strive for Wit
Another trait that I have trained in myself is quick-wittedness. Given the number of laughs I can get during stuffy work meetings, I don’t do too poorly (though your mileage may vary).
One of the hallmarks of firing off quick one-liners at the drop of a hat or ranting for 20-minutes about any topic for which I have even a semblance of knowledge and passion (which is pretty much anything other than sports, cars, and reality TV) is speaking without giving a moments’ pause to consider what might come out of my mouth.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve fired off a joke in those work meetings and then settled back in my seat thinking, “Fuck, I probably should not have said that….”
There’s also a long standing “joke” amongst my coworkers that it’s obvious when my internal filter catches something because it causes an almost pained look on my face. Our executive director stopped a company-wide presentation to ask if I was OK, and I nodded and waved her to continue, noting that my filter had caught something before I said it and it would take a moment before I could clear the thought and be back to normal. My boss even said, “His filter caught something? Wow, that must have been bad!” I thought there was going to be a round of applause. Not that time. But we all had a good laugh.
I am fortunate enough to be…charismatic enough?…that I get away with this without being reported to HR.
When I’m with people who are comfortable with me and my humor or when I engage with people that I don’t care what they think of me, I’m in my element. I’m totally relaxed and free with my words.
And then there’s Lifestyle socializing.
Flirting: Still My Bane
As a reminder: I’m bad at flirting. If I’m not told someone is flirting with me, I can’t tell. If someone thinks I’m flirting with them, they are probably wrong. I’m probably innocently bantering, not thinking I’m sending any signals of interest, and feel the same in return. It’s all just friendly discourse the way two humans do when they find the need to interact.
In the vanilla world, none of that really matters: When “humor” and “wit” plunge into the overtly sexual (or even just generally complimentary), people who know me shrug it off as Shane’s being overly inappropriate again, that skallywag! No one would think I was actually flirting or hitting on anyone because that’s how I behave with everyone.
In the swinger world, however, my natural form of social interaction would probably be misconstrued as active flirting. Therefore, to avoid inadvertently sending signals, my normally unused verbal filter kicks in, and I start analyzing things before I say them. But I don’t know how to do that in real-time. As soon as that now hyperactive filter catches something, the thought is lost. And now I’ve got nothing to say.
In Lifestyle situations, my mind goes blank. My well-spring of words goes as barren as my field of fucks. I’m completely unaccustomed to having to grasp for things to say, and therefore I am incapable of doing so.
The very skill upon which my entire ability to interact with others abandons me when I need it most.
Other people get into negative thought loops about their dick working. Mine are about being able to make normal, pleasant conversation. And there’s no blue pill for that.
I Wasn’t Introverted Before….
I’ve seen Extroversion and Introversion described thusly:
- An extrovert recharges their energy from being around people
- An introvert expends their energy being around people and recharges their energy being alone
Not a perfect example perhaps, because I think most people can say that they can find social engagements to be draining. But think of it this way: If a group of your best friends are getting together, how likely are you to want to go? An extrovert will usually be excited for the opportunity. An introvert might need to talk themselves up to do so even if they know they’ll have a good time if they go. Or might even take a pass all together because they just don’t have it in them.
Due to my lack of social anxiety (and respect for social norms) and inability to control my verbal spewage, most people assume that I must be highly extroverted. I am not. I’m just loud. If there were a scale of, say, 30 to -30, with 30 being the most wildly extroverted person and -30 being the most retracted of introverts, I’m probably a 4.
(Erin’s a -28, by the way. We know this because there is such a scale, and she took the test as part of a work retreat.)
Or rather I was a 4 before the pandemic. I feel like I’ve been sliding further down the scale. Which isn’t inherently a Bad Thing: There’s nothing wrong with being an Introvert (even though society highly favors extroversion)…unless you want to meet new people and try new things.
Social activities that I used to jump at are becoming a struggle. I have to talk myself up to leaving the house to interact with friends. Meeting strangers requires a whole different level of motivation.
And By Our Powers Combined….
In almost all things, Erin and I are in complete lockstep. (And when we are not, it is quite jarring for both of us.) Yes, she has a greater degree of social anxiety than I and is massively more introverted…but we’re so insync that we feed off each other and capitulate to the other’s desires because neither of us usually has a strong enough opinion to want to sway the other.
Or, as we learned during virtual PCAP: I don’t tend to want things; whatever happens is fine. Erin typically cannot conceptualize what she wants, let alone vocalize it, so if someone else does want something, then that want takes the lead.
“I don’t feel like cooking tonight. Pizza?” “Sure!”
“I know we were supposed to go to this halloween party, but I’m not really feeling like being around people.” “Awesome! Let’s skip it!”
“So…about going to the sex club tonight….” “Yeah…you want to just, you know…NOT do that?” “Would you mind?” “Not at all! Saves us from staying up so late.”
Not to say that we never have conflicting wants. It’s rare and usually over important, heavy, deep-rooted issues. But I’ve never wanted anything more than I want Erin to be happy and to feel safe and loved. I want to protect and bolster Us. With that as a guiding star, choices are easy to make even when we don’t see eye to eye.
Overall, we’re both good at inertia. Which is why the decision to go to PCAP 2020 was such a struggle the first time. And why not going to either PCAP in 2021 was easy. And why deciding to go to PCAP 2022 was another struggle…one that we’re still having even after having signed on.
If Socializing Is Such a Struggle, Why Try to Be Swingers?
That’s a great question, voice in my head. I’m glad you take such a profound interest in my writing! This is a question we’ve asked ourselves hundreds of times over the nearly two decades we’ve been dipping into and out of the Lifestyle. There’s a reason Lena dubbed us the On-Again, Off-Again Swingers.
Swinging is not an identity for us. We could walk away from the whole thing in a moment, keeping the fond memories and strong friendships we’ve already made. If one of us wanted to pull the plug, the other wouldn’t bat an eye.
Refer back to the previous section for examples of how that conversation would go.
But there are two solid reasons why neither of us want to stop. Yet.
- Thus far, we’ve made great friendships for which we are extremely glad. We’re a slow build couple. It might take a while to get to know us, but we’re loyal friends who will do anything for people we care about.
- We like open discourse about sex and kinks and having naked-fun-time with people we’re friends with. I’ve got more of a desire for the novelty of experiences with new people than Erin. I like feeling that I have the capacity to give pleasure to other people. That I am able to read their desires in the moment and adjust my activity to suit their whims.
And here’s a third, (because it’s fun to have a third)(which is actually the third reason we don’t want to stop! Boom! Look how easily I can just slip these in!) and now a fourth:
4. Erin really likes hot tubs.
PCAP Is the Test. Again. Or Rather Still.
Basically. It’s not an “are we actually swingers?” test nor a “should we stay in the Lifestyle?” test. We are swingers (just not good ones). We do the swap thing and enjoy it.
But, given the propensity of our joint social anxiety and introversion, we are trying to answer these questions:
- Can we socialize in that kind of large party setting?
- If so, can we do it well enough to make worthwhile connections to people?
- If so, is the effort it takes us to do so worth the reward? (Please don’t think that I think the reward is a sexual interaction.)
- Having tried a hotel take-over, would we want to attempt this type of venue again? How about a resort like Desire or Hedo? (I assume a certain amount of transferability between experiences.)
But Why PCAP?
There are a few reasons why we gravitated toward this event versus other take-overs, destinations, or resort/cruise travel vacations.
The Podcasters
First, and certainly the most important, are the hosts Cate and Darrell, the Wanderlust Swingers. They’ve been…um…“friends of the blog” I guess is one way to say it…for a long time, and we’ve been following their wacky antics for years. We trust it to be a well put together event. And we had the chance to meet Cate a while back during one of her trips to the US to coordinate a prior PCAP. She not only was able to stand my presence for a few hours of conversation but also hasn’t banned us from attending because of that meeting nor due to things I’ve written about her/them on this blog, so…that’s good!
And I’m looking forward to meeting Darrell.
Second, the other podcasters we’ve been listening to for years. They aren’t all there, but many are, and that’s cool. I’m sure nothing can go wrong there….
Third, learning from these podcasters and content creators. If there’s one thing this blog shows time and again, it’s that we suck at this. (And apparently so do the Casual Swingers? Did not see that coming!). The sessions give us a chance to broaden our knowledge by learning from others. And also provide opportunities to do things other than socializing. If I’m sitting in a room learning, I’m not annoying other attendees.
As much. I can still be really annoying just being in the same room.
Good example: Erin and I met when our high school theology teacher told her to turn around and hit me for making smart-ass comments during class (which provoked laughter from those seated around me).
The only real change since is that she hits harder and doesn’t need to be told to do so.
Means of Escape
What I mean here is, we aren’t stuck at PCAP the way we might be at a resort or on a cruise.
PCAP is short, only a few days from start to end. If we’re traveling all the way to Mexico, we’d want the vacation to last week or thereabouts. But then what happens if we don’t like the scene? What if we really can’t get over our social anxiety and enjoy the venue? We’re stuck somewhere we don’t want to be for days. I’d rather be kidnapped. At least that offers the amusement of trying to break free and fight my way to safety.
And no, that was not a joke. I train for that kind of thing. And for the zombie apocalypse. But as one friend put it, I want the zombie apocalypse to happen too much for it to ever happen. As long as I’m alive, you all are safe from zombies.
Which is why some of my friends fear my death. A few even believe I have a fair chance of being Patient Zero. Which would be the ultimate Fuck You from the Universe, let me tell you!
Beyond brevity, the hotel is in Palm Springs. If we really feel like we just can’t, we’ll spend our time exploring a new city. So if you happen to meet us Thursday night and then don’t see us again, you can safely assume we’re off having a wonderful time somewhere.
Or were kidnapped.
Which for me is the same thing.
Prior Engagements
There are a plethora of non-podcaster attendees that I have had the pleasure of interacting with across various social platforms. Some even read this blog! Others have implied interest in the stuff that I manically spew on Twitter. Since Erin broke the PCAP news, we’ve had a non-zero number of people say they look forward to meeting us.
They want to meet us? Surreal! It’s like they haven’t read anything I’ve written for the past two years. But neither of us have social anxiety about revealing ourselves. We’ve met several couples who have reached out to us after having read the blog. And we’ve told some of our friendly neighborhood swinger friends about the it as well. Though I have no clue how many have ever read it. I try not to bring it up so that no one things that you need to be a reader to interact with us.
For the most part, I’m on the fence about connecting our real names to our blog personas because surely anyone reading this post has got to be thinking that interacting with me is going to be more…something (too many words sprang to mind!)…than it is worth.
I could not agree more, dear reader!
The App
Oh yes, there is a PCAP app for PCAP attendees to swap stories, show off pictures, make arrangements to hang, and start the whole social process now so that when we get to then everyone will already be acquainted.
Initially–conceptually–we thought the app would be particularly helpful given all of the aforementioned anxiety.
In practice, it’s been a bit more difficult. When we finally got around to installing it a few days after it launched, there were over 1,500 messages in a variety of threads. That was too much to sift through at the time. Logging on a few days later and the number had doubled.
Daunted, our hero has not plunged on.
Nor has Erin. After her blog post about the boudoir pictures, I made sure she was aware that she’d received a bunch of nice comments on Twitter. I asked if she had looked at them, noting that I was unsure which she’d seen since she hadn’t replied to any. “Apparently my social anxiety extends to interacting with people online,” she said. And that’s why our Twitter is mostly me. Even when something is from her, it’s usually me taking dictation.
I’m not sure if she’s ever written and sent a tweet herself now that I think about it.
That’s where we are with the app: Technically we are on it.
No, there is nothing connecting our profile there to our identities here.
Onward to PCAP! But What to Do About Our Secret Identities?
I can think of four couples going to PCAP who know our real names and thus could identify us. There are several others who might be able to figure it out from the info they have.
Will we eventually reveal all? Likely. Maybe. Erin’s point about PCAP 2020 still holds: Despite all of this insanity, people still (think they) want to meet Shane and Erin.
I really failed at the “trend the positive” thing, didn’t I?