I haven’t had time to write about some of the heavier/longer topics I want to discuss, so here’s another soapbox rant. But this one isn’t just a rant. It’s also a request. I need to find a different word to mean people in a committed relationship that isn’t the word couple.
Why do I need another word? Well, it was brought to my attention by the Sapphic Swingers that I use heteronormative language, which I’m working to change. I also realized I tend to be very monogamous-normative in my writing, and I want to change that as well.
I noticed this in my post defining soft and full swap where I use the word couple 18 times:
Soft swap and full swap “are often used in profiles to describe what sexual activities a couple is comfortable performing with others.”
What It Means When I Use Couple
In all instances of that blog post, I mean any relationship between two people. In the few instances where it mattered to the context that it was a heterosexual relationship, I noted man-and-woman couple.
A couple doesn’t need to be married. Truly, in my post, the couple doesn’t need to be committed to each other. In most cases, couple referred to the pair of people who were creating a swinger profile or going on swinger dates.
It’s the only word I could think of that means “people in a relationship together.”
For example: “Erin, check out that couple at the table over there. I wonder what dessert they ordered?”
My Problem With the Word Couple
My problem is that couple implies the relationship only contains two people. That might not be the case in the swinging/poly world in which ethical nonmonogamy exists.
In any of the 18 places I wrote couple, I didn’t mean to imply that what I was saying applied only to a two-person relationship…but that’s exactly what I said when I used that word. My language discludes relationship groups with more people. And technically with fewer people. I didn’t mean to imply that single people couldn’t or shouldn’t use soft swap or full swap as a descriptor for a desired playstyle.
Examining Word Alternatives for Couple
There’s throuple, triad, and trinity but these three have the same problem in that they have a defined number of people in the relationship: three.
A polycule works as a size-ambiguous term for a poly relationship but it implies a poly relationship. I think there could be a polycule that only has two people in it, but calling the relationship a polycule implies these two people are open to having more people join.
And that’s all I’ve got.
I have yet to discover a word that means “people in a relationship” without there being some other connotation.
Fix It in the Edits
In most cases, I can work around it with a little editing. To rewrite my example above:
“Soft swap and full swap are often used in profiles to describe what sexual activities people are comfortable performing with others.”
Or this
“Never assume you are allowed to engage in anything kinky even if you know the couple enjoys that kind of thing between them.“
and this
“It’s also good to check with both members of another couple before going to the kink side.”
becomes this
“Never assume you are allowed to engage in anything kinky even if you know that your playmates enjoy that kind of thing with others.”
and this
“It’s also good to check with everyone in the relationship before going to the kink side.”
respectively.
But Monogamy Normativity Is Still an Issue in Swinger Circles
Which is kind of odd because we’re all practicing nonmonogamy!
Every time we’ve signed up for a swinger dating site, we’ve been asked if we are a male-and-female couple, a single male, or a single female and if we are looking for another male-and-female couple, a single male, a single female, or some combination of those three options.
All of our local clubs have different rates for couples, single males, and single females. But there’s no pricing difference for polycules. A triad would need to go in as a couple and single. This works in favor of triads where the third is a woman. Less so when the third is a man considering single men often pay a premium. If they are even allowed in at all.
Yes, I see the issue of people saying they are a triad to either get a deal. Or sneak a single guy friend in during non-single guy times.
But if we want more inclusivity (and isn’t the Lifestyle in all its many forms meant to be about inclusivity of a variety of kinks and people?), we need to start looking beyond the standard husband–wife swinger relationship model and coming up with better ways to describe, express, and legitimize other groupings of male, female, trans, or non-binary people.
And that can start with finding the right words. And doing our best to not use the wrong ones.