If you’ve read this blog before…wow! You came back? Cool! Oh, excuse me. What I meant to say was, if you’ve read this before, you know I have opinions about words. I’ve already done an in depth exploration of the term swinger. I’m not repeating that here. I am going to weigh the term swinger against two other top competitors: consensual nonmonogamous (CNM) and ethical nonmonogamous (ENM).
Swinger Vs. CNM Vs. ENM
I’ve defined swinger in our glossary as thus:
“A swinger is someone who seeks to engage in sexual activity with at least one person with whom they do not have a romantic relationship and with the permission of everyone with whom they have a romantic relationship.”
Fairly convoluted, but there are nuances to shove into a short definition. It’s a form of nonmonogamy with no romantic involvement, differing it polyamorous relationships.
I know some people don’t like to use swinger as a descriptor or label. I’ve laid out my argument as to when and why labels are useful, but for the most part, labels are unnecessary shortcuts meant to provide information faster. You don’t want to call yourself a swinger? That’s fine!
Just make sure you use a term or phrase that isn’t more confusing than the one you are avoiding.
In this case, I feel like CNM and ENM are decent substitutes for the word swinger. But they are not equivalent substitutes. Swingers are a subset of CNM/ENM, as is polyamory. Therefore calling yourself a CNM or ENM isn’t the same and doesn’t give as much information as the term swinger.
But there’s nothing wrong with that so long as everyone knows what you are saying when you use one of those terms.
What CNM or ENM Say About You
Labeling yourself as either CNM or ENM is similar to saying you are in an open relationship. The only information you’ve conveyed is that you are open to having a relationship with more than one person.
In fact, saying that you are in an open relationship gives more information than saying you are CNM or ENM because you have acknowledged that there is a relationship with at least one person. Single people can identify as CNM or ENM after all.
Each of these also imply that your partners (if there are any) have agreed to you having multiple relationships. If your relationship is open, that should mean your partners are OK with that. CNM should mean that everyone in the relationship is consenting to being nonmonogamous. ENM should mean that everyone is being ethical about being nonmonogamous, and as such, everyone in the relationship has agreed to it.
And if someone tells me they are any of these, I should be able to trust that without needing to check in with their partners. It should not fall upon me to make sure someone is being honest.
What CNM or ENM Don’t Say About You
There are a lot of ways to do nonmonogamy: hall passes, hotwifing/cuckolding, monogamish, only on vacation, party ‘n play, polyamory, swinging, and so on. Not that these terms are conclusive descriptors either. There are a variety of ways that a cuckold/cuckoldress relationship could be set up, for example, and simply seeing the label doesn’t give enough information to understand that relationship model.
CNM and ENM are more ambiguous terms than swinger.
Is that a reason to not use them? Not at all! But it is worth noting.
CNM Vs. ENM
What about CNM and ENM? Are they equivalent terms?
No, I don’t believe they are equivalent because consensual is not the same as ethical.
CNM means that everyone in the relationship has consented to being nonmonogamous.
ENM means that everyone in the relationship is being ethical about being nonmonogamous. Which I would imagine includes things like staying within everyone’s boundaries, using protection, testing for STDs, and tipping a decent amount for good service at restaurants. And that should include that everyone in the relationship has consented to being in a nonmonogamous relationship.
Ergo ENM should include CNM and thus be the superior term.
But people can have differing opinions on what is ethical behavior.
Those Damn Married “Single” Guys!
Here’s a common story amongst swingers: The single guy who’s married and his wife doesn’t know he’s trying to hook up with couples.
Obviously he does not have his wife’s consent, so he is not CNM. However, he could believe that he is behaving ethically. In fact, given how many married guys justify this behavior with some excuse about how “she kind of knows” or “we don’t talk about it, but it’s understood” or “I’m not getting any from her, and this way is better than me dating some single woman who might develop feelings for me, which would then hurt her and/or my marriage,” I think many of them would say they are acting ethically.
I’m not saying this argument holds water or that from a particular perspective cheating can be ethical. I’m noting that people can believe they are being ethical even when they aren’t. And because ENM is a self-identification that can’t be verified, the term becomes a little fuzzier.
Not that we can ever know if we’re being lied to. Again, if someone says they are CNM or ENM, it is not on us to have to figure out if that is true. Trust is a necessary component of this interaction, and we need to start with some kind of baseline.
Just Because One Is Purposefully Inclusive Does Not Mean the Others Are Purposefully Exclusive
As noted, ENM as a label means that you are being ethical in all the ways you are being nonmonogamous. That includes behaviors beyond just having your partner’s consent to be nonmonogamous.
However, we shouldn’t assume that when someone says they are CNM or that they are swingers that they are not behaving ethically in those other ways. That they are choosing the label CNM as a way of indicating that they aren’t ethical.
These words are already in circulation as if they are equivalent. A quick search online shows a plethora of articles and blogs that say things like, “ENM or CNM (which are often used interchangeably)” or vice versa. Which means my previous statement that they aren’t equivalent because consensual doesn’t mean the same as ethical doesn’t matter.
Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing even though they shouldn’t. Because that’s how the words are used.
ENM and CNM mean the same thing because that’s how they are used.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to eventually have a distinction between the two terms. Words evolve. Cuckold is a great example. It doesn’t mean now what it used to mean.
But right now, ENM and CNM are used as though they are the same.
Oh, and just to add: ENM means the nonmonogamous relationship is ethical. I wouldn’t then extrapolate that out to assume the person means they are ethical in all things. I mean, I like to believe we are all being ethical and want to be ethical. I’m just saying that people saying they are ENM isn’t them pledging the fact that they are overall ethical people.
Which Should We Use?
Whichever feels right to you. It’s your label. Make it one you are happy with!
Just be aware what information you are giving with that label and what info you aren’t giving that will need to be clarified. And vice versa when you see the labels others are using.
Though, just between us: I do have a preference between CNM and ENM….