Our first ever lifestyle anything—before we knew the word lifestyle or considered ourselves swingers—happened in college. We fell into the experience playing a drinking game with close friends. At the time, we didn’t know what to call it. It was sexy, fun, and hot, but we didn’t have the words to describe it without just telling the story. We didn’t talk about boundaries or expectations; labels like soft swap or cross play were unknown to us. We didn’t have the forethought or knowledge to define our playstyle. We just went with the flow and fortunately it all worked out. Erin and I are still together. So are K and B. And we’re all still friends.
It’s been nearly 20 years since that first time, and Erin and I still have issues defining our playstyle. The knowledge gained across that time has provided us the vocabulary necessary to define the event. I can now say that first experience was same-room parallel play with some cross play between the ladies.
But despite the vocab and the variety of experiences—some good and some bad—Erin and I still couldn’t define our playstyle. We had the words on our profile: soft swap, full swap, socio-sexual, bi-comfortable. And it wasn’t that we were lying about them; we did soft swap and enjoyed it. We did full swap and enjoyed it.
And yet somehow those words, those actions, didn’t quite convey what made one experience work and another not.
Hundreds of hours talking about it, listening to podcasts, and having swinging experiences, talking some more, and still there was something missing from the words and phrases we were using to define what we were looking for.
We finally put a pin in the problem during one heated (though perhaps emotional or frustrating would be better adjectives) conversation that went on far too long (and got far too frustrating) because in this conversation we were both using a single word differently.
That word was swap.
Playstyle Is Often Defined by Action or Arrangement
What we typically see in the lifestyle is that playstyle is defined by what I am calling action and arrangement and the self-imposed limits there-in.
- “We are a soft-swap couple.”
- “We only do separate-room, full-swap play; no kissing.”
- “We can work up to full swap, but we’ll always be same room only.”
- “I’m a hotwife looking for a bull to fuck me while my cuck husband is at work. Must be willing to send pictures of you fucking me to my husband.”
Soft swap, full swap, kissing. These are action based and set limits on the activities with which a couple is comfortable.
Same room, separate room, must be willing to send photos. These are arrangement based. They define certain requirements the other play partners must be willing to meet to satisfy what the seeking person desires from the interaction.
There are some variables in there—not everyone defines soft swap and full swap the same—so even these statements aren’t 100% crystal clear. However, it’s a start and these terms are well known and well used throughout the lifestyle.
It is always better to have in-depth conversations about playstyle before engaging with new partners rather than leaving it up to using simple labels.
Some playstyle designations could be checked off a survey. And they are on some dating sites. I could get all the information I need by having the ladies answer questions like the following:
On a scale of 0 to 5 (with 0 being a “No thanks” and a 5 being “Yes, I think that might be nice”), please rate the following places you would like me to place my penis:
- Your mouth
- Your pussy
- Back in my pants
- In that wall socket, you weirdo!
However, it’s not always that simple. Sometimes it’s not the action or the arrangement that really drives a couple’s limits.
First Things First: I Am the Asshole Here
No need for me to toss this to Reddit to ask AITA, ‘cause I know the answer (though not really; I’m being dramatic).
In our relationship, I am not indecisive; I am apathetic. What do you want for dinner? I don’t care. What movie do you want to see? I don’t care. What sort of beer do you want? Whatever you grab from the fridge.
This is a problem because it puts all the decision making on Erin. Though to be fair, if I make a decision about what we should have for dinner, nine times out of ten, she doesn’t want that. And if she holds up two dresses and asks which she should wear, I am always wrong.
Erin: Well first I have to say that I don’t think Shane is an asshole. I do think that he has a default assumption that he doesn’t have preferences and goes into most decision-making experiences just assuming this is the case. I think he doesn’t really examine whether or not he has preferences because it is more important to him that other people are doing what they want and having a good time. [My Seven showing once again!]
So in most things, he will defer to whatever I want to do. Even though it comes from a good place, it has the unfortunate side effect of leaving all of the responsibility on me, and that can be a heavy burden. [Hence I’m the asshole.]
Extrapolate That to Lifestyle Stuff
This is all the worse when it comes to sex/lifestyle things because I don’t have limits. I’ve got the weird kinks. I’ve never felt jealous in my life. As an enneagram Seven, I want everyone to have a good time. Being a people pleaser, I’m likely to make bad decisions in order to keep the fun time going. It’s happened before.
Which means Erin feels she’s always the one putting on the brakes. She’s never ready to jump into sexy play time at the same speed as everyone else. And what’s worse, I’m terrible at providing cover for her. Previously, when talking to a couple in a club, we were asked if we wanted to go to a back room, and I turned to Erin with a questioning look. Which is the worst thing I could do, right? Put a shy introvert on the spot and make her feel like she’s the odd one out for not being there with the rest of us.
Erin: Yeah, we are both bad at being put on the spot. Our default setting is to do whatever the other people want to do. We have learned that when a question like this comes up, we just need to excuse ourselves from the other couple in order to have a private conversation. Shane and I might both know that ultimately it is going to come down to what I want to do, but we don’t need to have that interaction in front of other people. We need to take the time to make sure we are on the same page as a couple before going into playtime.
Unbalanced but also Hard to Correct
All this is to say Erin has the unfavorable task of being the play limiter. I don’t think I’ve ever directly pressured her to do things, but she’s aware that she’s the one stopping us wherever we’re stopping lifestyle and kink-wise.
And that sucks for her to be in that position. But it’s also a Known Thing. I can’t honestly and earnestly pull back and suddenly be limiting play without her thinking it disingenuous.
Erin: It really is no fun. And as I said earlier, I don’t think it is entirely accurate to say that Shane doesn’t have preferences. He just doesn’t really consider them or doesn’t think they are as important as what other people want. So I am left trying to figure out what he wants as well as what I want, and it feels like a lot of pressure. I often can’t identify what I want on the spot because I am feeling the weight of the mystery of what Shane thinks/wants as well as the other couple in question.
(Though, in my own defense, I feel like there are times when I have said no to things. I just can’t think of them. And it’s such the rarity that it’s easy to overlook as nonexistent. Like making the bed. It’s happened. I’ve done it. Just…like maybe twice in 20 years.)
My point in telling all of that is because I’m about to be describing our limits based on my understanding of her perspective, and I want to be sure everyone understands I’m not calling her out nor blaming her. I’m just attempting to report accurately.
What Does It Mean to Swap?
So with those concepts of action and arrangement in mind and also realizing Erin’s limits are (in general) our limits as a couple, let’s take a look at our miscommunication over the word swap.
Though now I’m at a loss at how best to describe it….
OK, let’s try this: I’ll give a description of how each of us were using it, and then I’ll build up the scenarios of how the use played out.
Swap = Separation
Erin was saying swap to mean any time we were with another person and there was a separation of play. Not separate rooms (though that would certainly count) but rather if she and a guy were on a bed whilst I and the other woman were together on a chaise lounge elsewhere in the room, that was swapping. Even if it was just kissing. Maybe also if it was just flirting…. I’ll let her jump in to clarify, but basically, whenever we were not working as a single unit, that was a swap.
If we had paired off with members of another couple and were not within arm’s reach, no matter what we were doing with that other couple (could be kissing, could be sex) and so long as we weren’t paying attention to each other…that was swapping.
Swap = Sexual Contact
I was saying swap to mean any time either of us were having our genitalia manipulated by someone else. My general context for this is that in swinger lingo soft and full are used to modify swap as a way of delineating what level of sexual contact is permissible. Therefore swap must mean any general form of sexual contact that includes all the things in soft swap and all the things in full swap.
Erin: It really was a problem of lack of vocabulary. I thought that I was giving enough context for my meaning to be understood but apparently not. [I think it was more an issue that each of us had an absolute idea of how the word was being used, so context was only confusing things.] I didn’t have an accurate word to describe what I meant. Typically when you hear the term separate play, it is used to mean playing in separate rooms. When I was using the word swap, what I really meant was separate play in the same room.
For us, at least right now, different rooms isn’t even on the table. We agreed that when having these discussions in the future we would refer to separate play to mean that we were each playing with a member of the other couple without any cross-interaction and likely not within arm’s reach of each other.
Collating Previous Data
This miscommunication arose during a conversation shortly after the virtual Podcast-A-Palooza (we learned so many things and have grown in so many ways from that event). We were combing back through memories of experiences past and trying to deduce why some had worked and others had not.
Our first issue was we kept using action-oriented language like full swap and soft swap because these terms are so used by swingers to define playstyle and limits. It wasn’t working for us because the action wasn’t the cause of when an experience was negative. There had been some soft swaps that had been unsettling and full swaps that had been great.
It also wasn’t based on the intimacy level with the play partners. We had some great experiences with couples on our first time meeting and other experiences with long-time friends that were, again, unsettling. As well as times that were unsettling with people with whom we had previously had good experiences.
I’m being particular in my use of unsettling. It’s not that the experience was unpleasurable (though once unsettled, it was hardly a good time) but rather the issue that arose was a perception of disconnect between Erin and me. Rarely was there an issue with the interactions between us and someone from another couple.
Aside from VFBing.
Which Led to Using the Word Swap
Erin described what made an experience unsettling for her by saying that she felt disconnected from me when we swapped with other people. She didn’t like that. She felt too far removed from me (physically and emotionally) and wanted to make sure that if we play with others, we remain closer and “check in” more.
I thought that meant she didn’t want to swap anymore (soft swap or full swap), and that she was only comfortable with parallel play and maybe some cross play. Which is a change in our playstyle given we currently identify as full swap (if a bit slow to get there).
We were going round and round on this point for over two hours before I finally stopped the conversation to ask what she meant when she was saying swap. I was getting confused because in the span of a couple sentences she would say no to swapping but then give examples of when soft swap or full swap would be fine, which didn’t jive with how I was using the word swap.
Erin: I believe what I said that finally made it clear was that I would rather Shane have sex with someone right next to me than get a blowjob across the room. I don’t like the separateness. What I really enjoy is group play as opposed to having the focus be on switching partners. The terminology really failed me here because it wasn’t about whether it was soft swap or full swap. It was about a perceived loss of intimacy between us.
Once we got the terminology cleared up, the conversation got easier. We’re still ironing out how to proceed, but we’re making progress.
Connection and Checking In
This is still a rocky path fraught with confusion and peril.
I believe it was an early We’ve Gotta Thing episode in which Mrs. Jones said she hoped that one day Mr. Jones would feel comfortable and relaxed enough being with another woman that he could lose himself in the act of fucking her. The same Mrs. Jones who joked for months (if not longer) about how she had to pull his leg hair to get his attention during a play session because he was so lost in having a good time he didn’t recognize she was having a bad one.
And there we see the dual problem of being connected to your partner versus your current playmate.
Please don’t think I’m in any way calling out or negging on Mrs. Jones! Erin and I understand both sides of that coin. That’s a powerful lesson, and one we continue to discuss years after listening to those episodes. I can’t thank the Joneses enough for their openness and honesty in crafting their podcast.
Getting Lost in the Moment
Some couples prefer separate-room play because they don’t want to have to worry about checking in with their significant other and just want to indulge in the experience they are having with their play partner. Or perhaps they would feel self-conscious about what their significant other sees them doing with their current play partner.
Others don’t want their play partner to be “distracted” by checking out what their significant other is up to across the room. In essence: “You are fucking me right now. Stop looking at what your wife is doing and focus!”
Erin: I think this is totally fair. It’s a really difficult balance, and of course you don’t want to feel like the person you are having sex with isn’t really paying attention to you. I like the four-way interaction, but some people would prefer to focus more on the new person. But the swinger lingo doesn’t really provide an easy way to describe this.
Just saying separate play doesn’t really convey the why, nor the what people take from that playstyle.
Staying Connected to Your Significant Other
Some swingers want to remain intimately connected to their significant other during sex, and as such would only indulge in same-room or group play. They don’t want to miss out seeing what their significant other is doing or hearing the sounds they are making. For some, witnessing that interaction is the biggest turn-on of a swap event.
And others just wouldn’t feel comfortable without being able to make sure their significant other was relaxed and having a good time during the swap. There might even be perceived safety issues.
And once again, using the vocab of separate room or group play doesn’t get into the why. Not into the what a couple gets from that closeness.
Even as we experimented with soft swap and full swap to see how those forms of engagement suited us, we always knew we were only comfortable with same-room play. We never questioned that. We used the vocab.
But even with that accurate designation of same room, we were still missing something.
And we were missing it because there isn’t really a word for it in the swinger lexicon. It’s not an action or an arrangement.
It’s just an unquantifiable feeling of intimacy between Erin and me that needs to be maintained.
Great. So how do we describe that in a swinger profile?
Finding the Right Vocab
We recently listened to quite a lot of Bed Hoppers podcasts. Mr and Mrs H described a scenario in which a more experienced swinger couple used a divide-and-conquer move that had Mr. H on the bed with the woman and Mrs. H on the chaise lounge across the room with the guy (whoa! Deja vous!) in the same room…but too far apart for their own comfort (starts at 10:48 of Episode 8).
Newish to the swinging scene, the Bed Hoppers didn’t know how best to navigate this situation or vocalize what was wrong. Upon reflection on this event, they now know they want to be within arm’s reach of each other during play (15:23).
Would that we had listened to this episode before the topsy-turvy swap confusion. That idea of being in arm’s reach resonated. It’s not necessarily about distance, but how things like distance, time, and position alter perceptions of intimacy.
Erin: I definitely felt relieved and validated to hear our preferred playstyle echoed by the Bed Hoppers! I feel like a bit of an outlier in this regard, so it was nice to know there are other people out there who feel similarly. Sometimes it feels like swinging is on a kind of escalator. You might start out like we did, with parallel play and possibly some play between the ladies, and then move on to soft swap and then full swap. Some people describe it as getting comfortable with each of those steps leads them to then feel comfortable with separate room play, like that is the natural evolution of being a swinger.
Figuring Out What Works
All this leads us to discuss what works for us. It’s not the action (i.e., cross touching, soft swap, full swap) or the arrangement (i.e., same room, separate room). We need to figure out what we have to do to maintain that feeling of intimacy.
Do we stay in a certain proximity, like Mr. and Mrs. H, and remain within arm’s reach?
Is it that we can do soft swap or full swap, but only for a set period of time before it feels like too much of a disconnect? At which point, that is on us to communicate to the other couple in the moment that we need to come back as a couple. We recognize the difficulty we have with that, both of us being people pleasers by nature. It’s in my nature to ignore my own misgiving for the sake of the group to keep the good times rolling. Erin is terminally shy and introverted; drawing attention to herself to vocalize her own needs is difficult.
Erin: Yes, this is really hard. And because I am so focused on other people having a good time, there is a good chance that I won’t even recognize the need in the moment. I might feel a twinge and then push it down because everyone else is having fun. And then in hindsight, I realize I should have listened to that twinge cause it’s bound to get worse or taint the experience when I think back on it afterward.
We haven’t quite figured it out. Not that we’ve really had a chance to test any of these boundaries given the pandemic.
Or Just Walk Away
It is possible there is nothing we can do that works consistently. That every time is just a crap shoot as to whether we have an overall positive experience. It’s about mood and perception. I could lack the awareness of and ability to perceive what Erin needs from me. (I am the asshole in this arrangement, after all.) At which point, we should just stop swinging altogether.
Oddly, despite being the one who’s had all the not-so-great to flat-out-bad experiences, Erin’s the one more reluctant to pull out from swinging. (Hehehe.)
I specifically say swinging there because even if we stop being swingers, we would still consider ourselves in the lifestyle. We’d go to lifestyle events (when that’s a thing again). Still fuck out in the main areas or with the curtains open in the clubs. Still hang out with our lifestyle friends. We just wouldn’t be having the sexy fun times with anyone new.
Erin: I am reluctant to call it quits because there seems to be so much potential for sexy fun times! But ultimately I have to get comfortable with stating explicitly what I want. If we do stop swinging, it will be because the negativity around having to be assertive about my needs outweighs the fun I am getting out of the experiences. Right now, we don’t have any opportunities to test this out and might not for quite some time.
Communicating What We Want
Now that we kind of have a plan (which I have named the Standard Operating Procedure ‘cause I’m creative like that), we need to find a way to communicate this with other people. Obviously a long, in-depth conversation about fantasies and our favorite swinging moments would be the best way to reveal this.
Or point them to this blog. But as I have said before, I’m not sure this narcissistic display of my neurosis is really the best enticement for netting dates.
Sometimes you just need an elevator speech. Especially in a swinger profile or when meeting people at clubs and events.
We know that our limits aren’t action based, though they are arrangement based. However, there are factors we can’t easily express nor define.
How do I succinctly express what we are comfortable with as best as it can really be defined in just a few sentences using known and understood swinger vocabulary?
And Now I Define Our Playstyle
We’re a full swap couple—though we tend not to play on first dates and usually only soft swap on our first swap experience—seeking out parallel play, cross play, and group play. We like to remain connected to each other and prefer when play keeps everyone together rather than pairing off. We like making lasting connections with other people and enjoy developing pants-on as well as pants-off friendships.
It’s Just a Starting Point
We will keep refining this both as we get a better understanding of our own limits and desires from testing boundaries and as we get feedback from others around this wording. Does it make sense? Is it clear? Is it appealing?
But I think it’s a solid starting point. It seems to be enough information about action and arrangement that other couples can judge whether our playstyle aligns enough with their playstyle to warrant further conversation or a date.
Erin: I think that is a really accurate description of what we are looking for. I’m sorry we had to have hours-long frustrating conversation in order to get there. But at least we are on the same page now!
As we gamers say: Worth.
Defining Your Playstyle
To the other swingers and lifestyle adventurers out there, I’m curious how you define your playstyle. Do you define your limits through action? Through arrangement? Have you considered the distinction? Have you looked beyond those distinctions to the underline why?
It wasn’t until we realized that neither action nor arrangement was an adequate measure for what we were seeking that we were able to figure out what we wanted. Even if we aren’t exactly sure how to express it. At least we can describe the type of play that has the best chance of creating the right feel for us.
But I am curious: How do you define your playstyle?