Here’s my recent thought experiment. Does it make sense to view nonmonogamy as a spectrum with it being a hobby on one side and an integral part of someone’s identity on the other?
I don’t mean a sexual identity, or at least not just sexual, but the entire gamut: sexual, social, emotional, even spiritual identity. That at some core level, nonmonogamy is necessary for some individuals to feel complete.
With that model of thinking, it becomes clearer why some people find it more difficult to give up swinging and other lifestyle activity than others. Why social distancing is more taxing, lockdowns more draining.
I don’t think that should be our only consideration, but let’s see how this thought experiment plays out.
Swinging During a Pandemic
There’s a lot of buzz in the lifestyle community these days about house parties, sex clubs, lifestyle vacation spots, and swingers’ events. Is it possible to attend such events safely in the middle of a pandemic? I don’t think most swingers would find wearing a mask and remaining six feet apart a satisfying experience. Even if the event itself follows all necessary guidelines, the purpose for attending such an event—for most attendees—is social interaction possibly leading to sexual contact. Yes, event organizers can shrug their shoulders and say, “We provided a safe venue; it’s not our fault attendees went to a hotel room and vigorously socially undistanced.” But is that a bit disingenuous if the intent were to facilitate those meetings in the hopes of that outcome?
From the very beginning of the pandemic in the United States, there has been a gap between people either taking a stance of personal freedom (i.e., go out to bars, don’t social distance) or social responsibility (i.e., stay at home as much as possible, wear a mask in public). We’re a country divided on how to handle COVID-19, hence the skyrocketing number of cases.
So too is the lifestyle a community divided.
Both sides are passionate.
The Personal Freedom Versus Social Responsibility Argument
As I see it, the two arguments basically boil down to how an individual views their own role in the spread of the virus.
The personal freedom crowd believes that everyone should be able to decide for themselves the level of risk they take in exposing themselves to COVID. If I want to put myself at a greater risk, that’s my decision. If I get the illness, I will suffer the consequences. And I understand that could mean death. But if I want to go out swinging, that’s what I’m going to do.
The social responsibility crowd believes that every positive COVID result is a potential drain on an overburdened medical system and has the chance to spread the virus all the more. Those who engage in risky behavior aren’t suffering the consequences of their decisions in a vacuum but rather are increasing the risk of infection to everyone in their community. Therefore we should all do everything we can to minimize our own chance of infection even if that means not doing things we want to do—like swinging.
All of this being a spectrum rather than binary states. On one side there is absolute altruism (and possibly ego death). On the other side, complete narcissism (ego self-absorption).
I’m not addressing conspiracy theorists who think COVID is a hoax or isn’t any more problematic than the flu. That’s just a different argument altogether.
Given the dichotomy, the socially responsible swingers look at the personal freedom swingers and think, “Why are you engaging in behavior that endangers others around you?” and the personal freedom swingers think, “Why are you letting your life be ruled by fear?”
Let’s Consider Why People Swing (Now and in the Before-Times)
Mr Steak and Mrs Tequila of the Getting Into the Swing of Things With Steak and Tequila podcast have been vocal on their platforms about being in the social responsibility crowd.
I don’t think most people swing because they are unhappy with or unsatisfied by their partners. Nor do I think they are seeking a connection to other people that they aren’t getting from their partner. Surely some swingers out there do feel this way. And surely those swingers are falling on both sides (though maybe not equally) of the personal freedom/social responsibility spectrum.
But seeking swinging experiences (despite the risks) does not point to not being happy with who you are with. That seems like a gross generalization and oversimplification of motives purely for the purpose of shaming and insulting people whose actions you don’t agree with. Or just to be sensational and get notice.
Not that I’m ascribing those motives to Steak and Tequila. They are more experienced in the lifestyle than we are. Their history in the lifestyle builds their perspective. And I’ve listened to their podcasts. I’m confident they are saying exactly what they feel because that’s exactly what they do.
I’m saying I don’t agree with their conclusion or their rhetoric style.
Why Do People Go to Clubs and Events?
This seems fairly reductive: “Temporary monogamy for 1-2 yrs for the benefit of public health shouldn’t be a painful life experience.”
Being locked down has not been a painful life experience for Erin or myself. Mostly, we’re thriving, but we’ve had our highs and lows.
However, I know it to be a painful life experience for others. One of my vanilla friends has been suffering during the lockdown just because he’s an extrovert. The lack of a social outlet is crushing his soul.
Not being face to face with family and friends is a painful life experience. Even more so (for some) during the holiday season. The idea that the only reason swingers go to clubs and events is for the nonmonagamous sex seems to miss a sizable chunk of why swingers go to clubs and events: socializing with their tribe and meeting new people.
Most of the time Erin and I go to clubs, we don’t expect to end up in a backroom playing with other people. And given how often other people seem to end the night having not played in the backrooms, we’re not alone. Though we could be in the minority in just how little we expect to find other people to play with at a club.
I’m sure there are many swingers who view a play-free night as a night wasted. Or at least a “swinger fail.” That there is always the hope (if not the expectation) for the night to end in some group play.
But even if swapping is the hope, it’s not the only reason. It might not even be the main reason. So why base the argument on that being the sole motivation for wanting to gather at events?
Why Are People Swapping?
This leads me to Mr Steak’s follow-up tweet:
Not that I think I can change Mr Steak’s mind, but that idea doesn’t sit right with me either. It’s too reductive for why people swing in the first place. This implies that you can either stop swinging without it having an effect on your relationship, sex drive, or sense of self…or you don’t like having sex with your significant other.
What I further infer from this statement is that wanting to swap is an indication of being in a bad relationship. That someone who needs multiple partners to feel sexually complete is inferior to people who don’t. That it is a personal failing, or the failing of one’s partner perhaps, to need multiple partners for sexual satisfaction. This is a monogamous-normalized way of thinking.
Furthermore, from what I have gathered, most swingers (even Steak and Tequila) find that swinging experiences do affect their relationship and sex drive for the better. Not that that means the relationship was bad and swapping is holding it together. Just that the swinging brings something good to the table.
It’s like putting pulled pork, cole slaw, and an onion ring on a bacon cheeseburger. Yeah, the bacon cheeseburger was delicious without the pulled pork, cole slaw, and onion ring. But they kicked it up a notch. It’s not like the bacon cheeseburger isn’t the best thing on the menu. You are happy to order it every damn time, with or without the pulled pork, cole slaw, and onion ring. But that doesn’t mean it’s not heartbreaking to see the Tennessee Burger was removed as an option.
Fuck you, Cheesecake Factory, for dropping the best entree from your ridiculously massive menu! Twenty-eight pages and you take something off?
I’m Arguing Against the Argument not the Outcome
I’d like to note that, while it might seem I am attacking Steak and Tequila, this isn’t the case. (I am attacking Cheesecake Factory, though.) My point in quoting them is to show why I think this kind of reductionist rhetoric is not only inappropriate to apply to such a nuanced subject matter but also makes it easy to dismiss.
As you will see, I actually agree with them on the desired outcome. Just not how to get there.
After all, anyone who has a good relationship and sex life with their partner and still wants to go swinging can brush off their argument as a moo point. Like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter.
Yes, I just made a Friends reference. You’re welcome!
It’s a Hobby
I’m confident in my understanding of how and why Steak and Tequila do what they do to guess that for them nonmonogamy is a hobby. They’ve said on their podcast something to the effect of “we do this for us and as soon as this isn’t serving us and our relationship, we’re done.”
Erin and I are the same. In the past month, two of our posts talked about us walking away from swinging if we didn’t “get better” at it. When we finally get around to actually doing it.
For us, it’s a hobby. A social outlet. A way of finding fun, like-minded people to have good conversation with and potentially expand our sexual repertoire. If we’re lucky, we’ll get a confidence boost along the way. Maybe even learn how to interact with people as if we weren’t absolute recluses.
We, much like Steak and Tequila, require that swinging serves our relationship. If it isn’t making us stronger as a couple, building the intimacy we feel for each other or improving our sex life in some way (which often go hand in hand), we’re out. Even if one of us is getting something out of it personally, like Erin feeling more confident and attractive.
The Us comes first. We are using swinging to achieve an end. We don’t view it as a characteristic that defines our nature.
And if we decide we can’t do the swinging thing for whatever the reason, we close down the dating accounts and end the experiment. We’ll have pleasant memories and a blog completely focused on drug use, kinky sex, and my other, non-swinging neurosis of which there are many.
It’s an Identity
But for some people, swinging (or any form of nonmonogamy) isn’t serving the relationship. It isn’t meant to improve (or prop up as Steak and Tequila suggest people need it to do) a connection between a couple.
It just is the relationship.
This goes against the assumption that there should be a primary partnership (a monogamous-normative way of viewing emotional or sexual relationships) and all other relationships must be secondary (and supportive) of that primary.
That’s certainly a difficult relationship model to maintain currently unless everyone in the relationship lives in the same house (cohabitation also being a traditional and monogamous-normative way of viewing relationships). I’ve seen several stories of poly relationships being strained because some members of the group are being left out.
Now, I’m going to state an opinion here (it’s my blog, I’m allowed). I have no scientific evidence to back this up. But from how people generally talk about swinging, I think many swingers view nonmonogamy as a hobby whereas people looking for polyamorous relationships are more likely to view nonmonogamy as an identity.
Feel free to tell me if you think I’m wrong in the comments.
Note That I’m not Conflating Polyamory and Swinging
I’m saying that nonmonogamy is the identity, not being poly or being a swinger. Those are both subsects of nonmonogamy, and I don’t think I need to give much time to explaining the difference between the two.
I think it’s easier to conceptualize being poly as an identity these days than it is to view swinging that way, and I have two theories as to why:
- It’s easier to understand a need for multiple romantic partners than it is for multiple sexual partners. How common a theme is that for our media? Someone drawn into a love triangle, desperately emotionally connected to multiple people, struggling to figure out with whom the heart truly lies. Take that same storyline but make it about someone who just wants to have sex with different people, and suddenly the protagonist sounds like a deviant.
- So many people come at swinging as a hobby—it’s something they do as a couple to serve their primary relationship. (Or at least that’s how I see it most often described). And it’s easy to get into the pattern of thinking that because I do this thing and I do it for this reason, other people who do this thing must also do it for the same reason.
But can’t having multiple sex partners (without emotional connection) be a part of someone’s identity?
What about a swinger who is bisexual? They might truly love and enjoy the relationship they have with their single significant other. They might not want an emotional connection with anyone else. But they might need sexual encounters outside of that relationship to feel complete.
There are a couple people in our swinger groups who talk about alter egos to the point of actually giving them a name: “Linda” likes to get a little buzzed, dance, and flirt, but when “Brandy” shows up, she’s doing shots, getting blitzed, and getting gangbanged. No, this is not an actual split personality; it’s just how Linda views her wild side. How difficult is that then, to put away an entire side of your personality? Especially when it’s the one that helps the every-day side relieve stress.
Nonmonogamy as an identity has nothing to do with how good the sex/relationship with a partner is. It simply means that no single person makes them feel complete.
And if you think that’s sad, it’s because we live in a monogamous-normative world.
I’m a Mess of Contradictions…Or Am I?
If there is one message I think I’ve promoted on this site more than any other it’s one of personal freedom:
- Don’t let fear and the propaganda around substance use inform your decisions. Do your own research and make your own decisions!
- It’s my body: I decide what I put in it!
- Teach harm reduction not abstinence!
It might seem from these statements that I am on the personal freedom side of the COVID reaction argument.
But let us not forget that I’m a psychedelic explorer with a strong sense of communal and spiritual connectivity. I feel it is important that we all look out for each other. We are all each other’s keeper.
So yes, do your own research and make your own decisions—but make sure your research is backed by the best current science available and make logical decisions based on that information.
It’s my body: I decide what to put in it—but it’s not ethical for me to put other people at risk of exposure to something just because I’m OK with. It would be unethical for me to spike the punch bowl at a party with MDMA just because I want to roll.
Abstinence-only doesn’t work (for sex, drug use, or forcing people to stay at home). Teaching harm reduction can. But we need to apply harm reduction to every aspect of the situation. If you look at Naughty in N’awlins fiasco: people wore masks and socially distanced…until they didn’t and engaged in risky activity. That’s like having several different batches of MDMA and only testing one to see if it’s safe before passing all of it out.
So yes, I’m all about personal freedom…so long as my behavior doesn’t endanger other people. Which my substance use does not.
The Myth Behind “Living in Fear”
I see things on social media all the time like, “We can’t live in fear of a virus!”
Everyone has varying degrees of risk acceptance. Given that we don’t have kids and we both work from home and have jobs with plenty of sick and vacation time, we’re not overly worried about us getting sick. If either of us got COVID, it might be awful, but we’re not high risk for dying. If we went out to a bar or club or an event, we actually could self-quarantine for two weeks afterward. We have the ability to completely isolate for as long as we need.
In fact, we’re self-quarantining now so that we can visit my parents on Christmas day. They are both health-compromised, and if either of them got COVID….
Social distancing and quarantining aren’t indicative of living in fear. It can for some. And the media sure does a good job of trying to make us afraid. Let’s be clear, though; the media does a great job of sowing fear and doubt on everything. Replacing science and facts with belief and feelings.
Which is also part of the problem: There are so many people who hear about COVID but don’t feel it. They are being asked to significantly change their lives based on something nebulous. It’s difficult to be vigilant against something that doesn’t feel like a threat.
That’s why the long summers depleted the forces of the Night’s Watch (Game of Thrones reference!).
So while I do believe COVID is a threat, I don’t fear it. Erin and I aren’t social distancing out of fear but rather out of love for our family, friends, and community. I don’t want my behavior to be the reason someone else gets sick or dies.
Let’s Acknowledge It’s a Sacrifice and Explain Why It’s a Sacrifice Worth Making
But that doesn’t mean I think it’s as easy for everyone to give up swinging as it is for me to do so. Other people have more of their emotional, social, and sexual selves tied up in nonmonogamy than I. It’s not part of my identity.
Fuck, most people care more about seeing their family on the holidays than I. We stayed at home and had meatloaf on Thanksgiving, and it was the best Thanksgiving ever for me!
But I didn’t gloat on social media about it being easy for me because that hurts people for whom it was a painful experience. I didn’t want to besmirch people who miss seeing their family and eating all that awful traditional Thanksgiving food. (Stuffing, cranberries, and green bean casserole are fucking disgusting. Fight me.)
Even the social distancing for face-to-face Christmas is for my parents, not for me. Not having to see family on Christmas would be the best present ever. (Yes, I’m a Grinch. Holidays can fuck right off.)
I think we all need to avoid risky behavior. Double bubble if you can keep the risks low. Try to scratch the nonmonogamy itch with virtual events and digital dates. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing, but find safer venues than 100+ people gathering.
We’ll get through this. And the parties on the other side will be EPIC!
But for those of us having an easy time not swinging, let’s have some compassion for those who are having difficulty. They’re as stressed about 2020 as the rest of us, and they lost a vital component of their identity and access to their support community. That’s a harsh double whammy.
Let’s try to engage about why social distancing is important for public safety rather than just attacking each other.
December 20, 2020 at 7:51 am
Very well written with excellent points.
High five!
Tori & Soul 💋💋
Torrid Souls podcast
December 25, 2020 at 12:18 am
Thanks! Appreciate you reading it and leaving a comment.