Drug and disease free. It’s a common statement on swinger’s profiles. “We’re drug and disease free and expect the same.” What does drug free mean in the modern world? Is that even a useful thing to say in a profile? (Here’s a hint: No.)
In a 2018 survey, roughly 70% of Americans said they drank alcohol in the past year. And people often underreport their drinking habits, even on anonymous surveys. The same being true for drug-use surveys and kinky sex surveys, I believe. It’s all more prevalent than we want to admit. It’s estimated that over 1 billion people regularly smoke cigarettes, that’s more than 1 out of every 8 people. The world population drinks about 1.4 billion cups of coffee daily. Fifty percent of Americans drink coffee daily, and we’re only number 22 on the list of countries that consume the most coffee.
Alcohol, nicotine, caffeine…these are all drugs, which is defined as a “medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.” As you can see from the numbers, the chances are good that anyone you meet occasionally indulges in some kind of drug.
“But Shane, that’s not what people mean when they say drug free!”
Twenty-five million adults in the U.S. are on antidepressants. Two to three million are on blood thinners. Over seven million people use insulin to manage some form of diabetes.
Oh, is that not what they meant either?
I think we can agree that the word drug is so generic as to be useless. Instead, let’s look at what people might be trying to imply when they say they are drug free and will only play with others who are the same.
Does Drug Free Imply No Illegal Substance Use?
I’m sort of being willfully ignorant above to make a point. I (mostly) know what the people writing drug free intended. They don’t want to meet people who are using substances illegally.
Except that legality doesn’t seem to be the line in the sand either.
At this point, it’s getting common to see “Drug free, but 420-friendly,” which means, “We don’t do drugs, but we smoke weed, and that doesn’t count…but some people think it does, so we decided to mention it.”
To prepare for our appearance on the Swinging Downunder Podcast (Episode 104 if you are into that whole listening thing), Cate asked some questions of her Instagram followers, which we reviewed together during the episode (starts around 24:20).
Cate asked if people have seen drug-use at clubs or sex-positive events, and if so, which kind. One person replied, “Weed, if you count that.” Obviously some people don’t.
Which makes sense given that weed is now legal in some places. Would a self-proclaimed drug-free couple in Florida be OK swapping with marijuana users from Canada (where it’s legal) but not from Texas (where it isn’t)? That seems overly particular!
What about performance-enhancing, weight-loss, or recreational substances that are legal Europe but not in the US?
Or the increasing number of adults without ADD who take drugs like Adderral because they think it gives them an edge keeping up with the demands of our society? These are commonly sold substances on the darknet markets.
This would also imply whippets and sniffing glue are fine because both highs come from legal substances.
So then maybe drug free doesn’t mean no illegal drugs.
Does Drug Free Imply No Addictive Substance Use?
Alcohol is addictive to many people, and it flows freely at swinger events. In fact, one could argue that a whole lot of swinger success stories started from a couple shots of liquid courage.
There are several legal, prescription antidepressants that are so physically addictive that the withdrawal can be lethal. Like Xanax, which I think is a commonly known drug. Household name recognition, that one. One of those prescription drugs a friend or relative might have on hand and casually give you so you can sleep on a long flight.
Many sleeping medicines are addictive, too, but I can’t imagine a couple thinking, “We don’t want to swap with them. The husband’s got insomnia and needs pills to sleep!”
And let’s not forget about that wide-spread caffeine addiction most of us are sporting. “That couple is so sexy! I would totally swap with them if only they didn’t like to drink coffee in the morning!” said no swinger ever.
I say ever, but I wouldn’t be surprised if coffee had swap-blocked at some point. Though I’d wager it was more likely due to teeth discoloration or coffee-breath than the caffeine addiction.
So drug free doesn’t mean no addictive substances. What next?
Does Drug Free Imply No Intoxication?
If this were true, then does that mean Erin and my use of psychedelics or MDMA would be acceptable so long as we aren’t high when we meet a couple who declares themselves drug free? I’ve never tested this (and I so want to!), but my gut tells me that stating we’re substance users upfront (“but we’ll be sober when we meet you”) wouldn’t fly for most people who put drug free in their profile. I feel like what we do in our personal time—that we use these substances—matters. And we’re being judged based on that substance use.
That means our actual level of sobriety in the moment isn’t the issue.
Referencing Cate’s poll results again, issues of consent were one of the main reasons respondents cited as to why drug use is an issue at lifestyle and sex-positive events. I’ve already addressed the issue of drug use and consent in some detail, so I won’t rehash that all here.
Intoxication in any form can blur the lines of consent, whether that be MDMA making someone so loving and open that they react to a situation in a way they wouldn’t if they were sober (which was part of our lesson learned from the Cautionary Tale) or GHB or Xanax putting someone into a state where they cannot appropriately voice their consent.
Alcohol is just as problematic for this as other substances, but I’ve never seen drug free to mean alcohol free. Every lifestyle party, club, or date we’ve attended included alcohol.
The lifestyle community has decided that alcohol intoxication is acceptable. We police ourselves to avoid overindulging. We’re mindful of others’ level of intoxication to ensure they aren’t too drunk to consent.
So why is being drunk accepted and being high isn’t?
What I Infer Drug Free to Mean
After all that commentary about what drug free doesn’t mean, here are a few theories we have about what it might mean. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say this is what Erin and I infer it to mean, and we tailor our interactions with people according to these interpretations.
No Drugs We Don’t Understand (But Believe to Be Bad)
It’s certainly easier to say drug free than to list all the substances you are or aren’t OK with. We believe most people who say they are drug free mean that they don’t regularly partake in substances, legal or illegal—other than alcohol—taken recreationally (rather than medically) to induce intoxication.
This mentality seems to stem from broad generalizations about what substances do and how people behave on them.
As I said in my other post: People understand alcohol. They know what it means to be drunk. Most of us have witnessed alcohol use since we were children (many of us probably were the reason our parents were drinking!).
This drug free label doesn’t consider legality, toxicity, or addictiveness of the substance, only personally understanding. Most of that understanding likely comes from anti-drug propaganda and inaccurate substance depictions in the media.
This line of thinking can lump a variety of substances in one big box of NOPE! because it’s founded in personal belief. Here’s a list of substances someone who declares themselves as drug free might mean that they do not take (unless prescribed by a medical professional):
- LSD, marijuna, MDMA (Schedule I drugs)
- Adderall, cocaine, fentanyl, or oxycodone (Schedule II drugs)
- Anabolic steroids or ketamine (Schedule III drugs)
- Valium or Xanax (Schedule IIII drugs)
- Nitrous oxide otherwise known as whippets done from whipped cream bottles (an unscheduled, legal substance)
Eventually I need to do my rant against the scheduling system. LSD, which is absolutely nonaddictive and has no known poisonous dose is Schedule I. Meanwhile Xanax, which is so physically addictive you can die if you go off it cold turkey and toxic enough to kill you if you take too much or combine it with alcohol, is Schedule IIII. Absolutely abysmal.
No Addicts
When referring to our friend D who suffered and just last month died from an opiate addiction that was in part motivated by her shame and guilt around sex and attraction, Erin and I both purposefully didn’t refer to her as an addict. We acknowledge she had an addiction, but we don’t call her an addict.
The term addict will conjure a different image than saying someone has an addiction. An addict calls to mind a junkie, someone who is “hooked on drugs,” using all their money and effort to stay high. Likely they are living on the streets or in broken down shacks and filthy crack houses.
I think people put drug free in their profiles because they worry about attracting and interacting with an addict. The Jessie Pinkmans of the world (if you watched Breaking Bad). That’s understandable. Erin and I know what it’s like to have someone struggling with an addiction in our orbit. There were times when we had to back away from our friend because it was too much drama and pain. We could not help her.
Unfortunately the drug propaganda machine of the last forty years has made us believe that substance users eventually become addicts who will not only destroy themselves but everyone around them.
Which is one of the reasons the mentality around and treatment of people with addictions is so bad in this country.
This type of thinking puts the blame on the person. Addicts are criminals. Weak-willed individuals incapable or unmotivated to fix themselves. By viewing people this way, we deny them the community and care they need to actually overcome their disease.
It’s sad to think how many people die because of our vilification of drug culture.
Not a Part of the “Swinger Drug Culture”
Swinger culture and drug culture are intertwined. The principles of community, sharing, free-love, and open expression create the foundation of both lifestyles. Burning Man and other festivals are known for having areas dedicated to nudity and sex, and they are well known bastions for psychedelic and MDMA use. If you were to see some pictures, I doubt you could tell the difference between an EDM rave and swinger party. In some cases, they are the same thing.
Think of the era of free love and hippies. Watch the short-lived TV show Swingtown and see all the quaaludes and spouse swapping going on.
Did the hippies and free-love culture gravitate toward LSD and weed, or does weed and LSD make people feel more communal and thus more likely to get into the lifestyle?
It doesn’t really matter. The two cultures are linked in people’s heads. As such, newbies to the lifestyle might worry that drug use is an integral part of the lifestyle culture. They see drug free on profiles and assume that’s the statement people need to make to differentiate themselves from the “mainstream” swingers who are rocking out the party drugs to get their groove on.
From what we’ve witnessed, substance use is not the norm in the lifestyle. It certainly isn’t obvious or prevalent (more on that later). But drug free is already out there, so people just add it to their profile without considering if it’s a necessary label.
We Need a Better Label Than Drug Free
It matters to me because I want to find my tribe of substance-using swingers. The current binary/trinary system makes that difficult. I just spent all this time explaining why drug free doesn’t mean much as a label. Conversely, not putting drug free in a profile does not imply the couple is actually drug friendly.
In essence, just as the word drug is so generic as to be of limited value, so too is the label drug free. We need a better system.
Considering the number of healthcare workers, educators, and law enforcement officers in the lifestyle (is there a report somewhere listing most common careers amongst swingers?), I understand why people want to be cautious about listing substance use. We’ve heard the stories of people being outed as swingers in their communities. The ramifications would be even worse given the vilification and legal status of these substances.
There’s a reason we’re using aliases on our blog, after all.
I hate to admit this, but I have before: Saying drug free in a profile doesn’t stop Erin and I from connecting with people. We leave our personal substance use at home and just never bring it up. Or, in the example I used before, if we met Paige and Pen from The Swinger Diaries in a club and Erin was on a small dose of MDMA, we wouldn’t mention it. And they wouldn’t know.
Hell, most of our vanilla friends don’t know of our substance use or our lifestyle activities. Erin has used substances to help her overcome her social anxiety at weddings and other vanilla events and no one was the wiser.
A Better System Increases Honesty
We understand we’re being dishonest if a couple says drug free and we meet up with them anyway. I’ve already explained what we infer that term to mean, and we abide by the spirit of it. We don’t show up high. We don’t mention our drug experiences.
But I don’t like the deception. We’re hiding a big part of our life from people we’re trying to form an intimate connection with. I would love it if our lifestyle friends knew about this blog, but alas, we keep it under wraps because of the social stigma around substance use.
It also means we have no idea how many of our lifestyle friends are also substance users. We have a good guess about some of them (if someone is posting about crystals, aliens, and ayahuasca ceremonies on Facebook, good chance she’s done psychedelics, right?). Our friends Han and Leia (such nerds!) once randomly mentioned being interested in trying ecstasy to which Erin immediately said, “Oh yeah, that’s a fun time!”
Now they know about the blog.
RACK: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Over the weekend, Erin and I attended a workshop about psychedelics and intimacy put on by Doubleblind Magazine and hosted by Sophie Saint Thomas and Laura Mae Northrup. As soon as Sophie described the RACK acronym and how it applies to substance use, I knew I wanted to include it in this post.
Sophie used an example of a sub/Domme workshop display in which the sub took shrooms but didn’t tell the Domme. This led to the sub having a less than great experience, which doesn’t surprise me at all! I think someone would need to be a very experienced shroom user and kink player to combine that with being on stage as part of a workshop.
Substance use does interfere with consent! But perhaps not the way most of Cate’s survey respondents intended. Experienced users who know their own limits have the same ability to consent as someone who has a couple drinks and hasn’t entered the too-drunk zone.
By not declaring the substances she was on, the sub removed the Domme’s ability to consent to this type of play. The Domme was put into the position of domming someone she didn’t know was on a substance. She then had to deal with the ramifications when the sub had a bad experience and freaked out.
Prohibition Leads to Silence
The same inaccurate assumptions about what being high feels like that make people believe consent is not possible when high also make it easy to conceal substance use. After all, if experienced and responsible users are not perceptivably altered, they never need to reveal they are on anything.
If the main reasons why people think substance use is a problem at lifestyle events are (1) personally not finding it sexy and (2) issues of consent, the responsible user can circumvent these easily.
“Ah, this couple is totally into us even though we’re high. And I know I’m fully mentally cognitive of what’s happening and can consent to this swap. So even though they might not talk to us if they knew the truth, we can totally make this play session happen!”
I’m sure that happens.
But it would be great if it didn’t.
The social stigma about substance use keeps it in the shadows. Events and clubs have zero-tolerance policies against illicit substance use. I understand why: There are many risks involved in using substances, and most partiers don’t have the necessary information, like which combinations are good, bad, or deadly, to remain safe in these environments. It’s hard to test substances in the moment, and because there are no regulations on the sales of substances due prohibition-over-harm-reduction culture, all substances need to be tested.
Festivals are starting to include harm reduction areas where volunteers will test substances and offer safe spaces for people who need it. I would love to see organizations like DanceSafe replace the prohibition-style policies of organized lifestyle events.
Substance Users as a Spectrum: Drug Free to Party & Play
Some people have no desire to have group sex, parallel play, or an orgy unless intoxicated with some substance. They might not want to meet other couples socially and make friends. They just want to get high and fuck…enter the term Party and Play (PnP).
From what we’ve seen, this form of swinging seems frowned upon. Or is just silenced due to zero-tolerance rules and fear of legal repercussions. Perhaps the lifestyle community doesn’t view it as swinging at all, possibly from the lack of desire for social interaction. That would make it similar to the negativity around bednotcher swingers. Really, both are preferences for engaging (or rather not engaging) with others.
We don’t have a problem with either so long as people are up front and honest with their intentions.
I think it would behoove the lifestyle to view substance use as spectrum rather than a binary. Or a trinary, given the whole 420-friendly thing going on.
[NOTE: This scale is being occasionally updated and clarified as we get feedback and hear readers’ interpretations. Thanks to everyone who’s engaged on the topic!]
- Teetotaler: No drugs, no alcohol, no intoxication.
- Alcohol only (even if used for every interaction): We have no desire to interact with people who ever use substances recreational with the intent of getting high.
- No interest, but no care: What people do in their own time is on them. We don’t partake and don’t want to interact with those who are currently on anything. Don’t let your usage affect or involve us.
- 420 friendly: We toke and have no problem with those who also partake. Weed’s barely even illegal, anyway!
- Curious, but not experienced: We haven’t done any illicit substances (other than maybe weed), but we’re curious about them. We’re comfortable chatting about it.
- Casual recreational substance users: We enjoy some illicit substances and sometimes mix it with sexual activity, but it’s not necessary for play.
- Party and Play: We only partake in lifestyle activity when heavy substance use and significant intoxication are involved.
Us on the Scale
On this scale, Erin and I are a six. We’ve experimented with chemsex and chemdom. It’s not part of our sexuality. We don’t require substances as part of our lifestyle play. However, we’re up for adding it to the mix with the right people.
If we were on a swinger lifestyle site that actually listed a rating system like this, we would restrict ourselves to couples who rate themselves as 3+ because we would know explicitly what other couples were comfortable with. We would stop hiding our use from people who really don’t want to be involved with users. Instead, we would restrict our interactions to those who would be interested in learning about or sharing those experiences.
We could meet up at events, have open discussions about substance use with others, be appropriately informed when evaluating RACK, and make sure that others are safe in their own use rather than feeling vilified and ostracized.
What do you think? Do you use drug free in your dating profile, and if so, how true is it? How do you mean it?
Consider it honestly: I would love to know where you fall on the Fringe Substance-Use Comfort Level Scale. If you don’t mind sharing, you can drop your number in the comments below or send it through our Contact Us page.
Were it available on a dating platform, would you use such scale to identify your level of comfort with substance use? Would it help you find a match with others compatible people?