I was flipping through Twitter this morning (being the morning I started writing this, not the morning I posted it) and saw a tweet from Emma (@ASharedWife) in which she shared a link to her blog post about how being a sexually assertive woman seems to have it’s pitfalls. I enjoyed this post, as I have with the few post of hers I’ve read (reading more blogs is one of my 2020 New Year’s resolutions). After reading, I had a good long think about the topic, and I came up with an alternative theory. I wonder if the real problem isn’t that guys are intimidated by sexually assertive women but rather that sometimes guys just don’t want sex…and we’re embarrassed to admit that.
Emma’s Tale: Men Wilting Under Her Assertive Pressure
Here’s a quick summation of Emma’s story. All the info I’m proffering here is what I got from that single blog post.
Emma is a hotwife. She regularly talks to single guys she meets online, cultivating a small stable of potential single men to come at her behest to either have sex with her or to have a threesome with her and her husband.
However, she has noticed a regular pattern of behavior with these men. They talk a big game when flirting online, but when she actually calls upon them to perform, the response is lackluster. It sounds like most of them disappear. I picture this as she sends them a text stating that she’s ready for some action and receives no reply until a couple days later, and it’s some lame excuse like “I missed this message!” or “My phone died!” or “I was out with my niece at the local carnival and couldn’t abandon her as much as I wanted to come bang you. Tomorrow?”
To which she replies, “No way, stud. You couldn’t perform when I needed you. You’re out!”
She assumes the problem is that most of these men are put off by her finally stating openly that she wants sex. That the little flirty pursuit has now gone to 11. And because she’s the one who took it there on her schedule, not them on theirs, they baulked.
I Agree With the General Premise
First and foremost, let me say that I do agree that some guys absolutely are intimidated by sexually assertive, sexually aggressive, sexually aware women. These men are fools. Or weaklings. The more women want to have sex, the more sex everyone has. And the world becomes a better place.
Whoa, I think I just came up with a campaign for world peace!
Whoa, I just remembered this is what the hippies were trying to do back in the 60s!
Some men are scared of sex toys, thinking a vibrating, swirling, sucking piece of soft silicon will replace them in bed. Such men should do some household chores and learn to fix things; there are ways to be indispensable around the house that don’t involve sex, guys! Get on it!
Some men view hotwifing or swinging as an act of weakness, that any guy who is OK with having another man fuck his wife is a beta cuckold who deserves to be cheated on. That sort of mindset implies jealousy, self-doubt, and a mindset that men somehow possess the women to whom they are married.
Maybe it’s even most guys, I have no way of knowing. Most of my male friends, both inside and outside the lifestyle, have very strong women as partners. We are neither intimidated nor toxicly possessive. As far as I know, most have a good sex life.
I Don’t Get Why Guys Are Flaking On Emma
As I mentioned in my post about hotwives/stags & vixens, I like sluts. As in, I think it is hot when women are sexually assertive or sexually aggressive, particularly if that means going to extreme lengths to achieve satisfaction. Slut is a totally positive term in my book, and I view it as completely complimentary.
In fact, for this post, I’m going to use slut to mean any woman who is attempting to woo a man into her bed—whether it be a single lady, a hotwife or vixen, or a cuckold’s partner. As noted, I’m using this to mean a positive thing. I’m taking it back!
It was Erin’s idea.
But, as I was saying: for me, a sexually assertive woman is a turn on. For example, I like it when Erin tells me what she wants me to do. As much as I enjoy going down on her normally, I would find it all the hotter if she told me that’s what she wants or if she physically directed me to such an action.
I’m not a sub, so if she was domineering about it, I wouldn’t really enjoy that. But I do like knowing that what I am doing is satisfying her. That in the moment, I’m maximizing her pleasure and desire.
So when I read Emma’s post about her being sexually assertive, I’m thinking, “Right on, sister! You go!” And then I read about her bevy of boy toys not stepping up, and I thought, “Guys! What the hell! Don’t leave a girl hanging!”
Single Guys Are Unreliable
I’ve heard such tales from other lifestyle peeps, where the single guy ends up flaking at the last minute usually with little warning and a bad excuse. Oddly, luckily, Erin and I haven’t had this issue with single guys. Yet.
After all, it seems like there are lots of guys who aren’t accurately representing their true intentions in the lifestyle. I’ve heard of profiles set up as a couple, but when a meeting is scheduled, surprisingly the wife can’t make it but the “husband” has a hall-pass to play.
Erin and I have met guys who are passing themselves off as single only to discover they are married and their wives have no idea what they are up to—which could be exactly why Emma’s bull-hopefuls are flaking on her. They can’t make a last-minute tryst work if they have no excuse to give their spouse.
And some guys, not matter their bravado and bluster about how good they are at fucking, never have any intention on meeting up and following through on all the talk. They are in it for the sexy talk and naughty pictures.
All of these single guys give the good ones a bad rep.
But there’s a difference between being stood up or canceled on for a preset date and a guy disappearing just in time to miss a booty call.
But What If These Guys Are Flaking for a Different Reason?
All of this got me thinking. What if the real reason isn’t fear of assertive, aggressive, sexy sluts but rather fear of not being masculine enough? I don’t mean that by being summoned by a slut to provide her pleasure was emasculating. I’m referring to a different aspect of masculinity: The idea that men are always in the mood for sex.
Societal Expectations
What happens when a bull-hopeful receives a text on a random Wednesday night from the sexy slut he’s been flirting with for a month that her husband is out with the guys and she’s ready for him to come over and fuck her?
I’d guess that most people, men and women alike, reading that scenario envision the bull-hopeful jumping in his car, driving over, and giving the slut everything she’s been dreaming of. In my mind, the bull and slut are still at it when the stag returns home and it turns into a really hot MFM, but I’m a romantic.
Is it not the common belief that plenty of men would prefer a friend with benefits to a committed relationship? Or that guys would love to get a booty call at any time? That at any moment we’re ready, willing, able, and actually hoping for the chance at a sexual encounter with just about any woman who is willing?
Given this belief, if a guy isn’t in the mood for whatever reason, then he’s not filling his role as a man. He’s not showing proper Maleness. His lack of constant sexual desire is self-emasculating.
Sometimes Guys Doesn’t Want Sex
Despite the societal expectations of us, sometimes we’re not in the mood. We might be doing something else more interesting or worth our while than having sex.
Yeah, that’s a thing!
In my very solid, stable, and loving relationship, I could tell Erin that I’m not in the mood if I had to. In fact, as the (slightly) more sexually aggressive partner, it’s more likely that I will try to initiate sex with her and get shut down by her than for her to get shut down by me. Furthermore, we’re pretty good at reading each other’s moods. We’re likely to not even try to initiate sex with each other if we think the other one isn’t into it (even though usually just being asked is enough to get us in the mood).
A slut who is seeking a bull has no special insight as to what mood the guy she’s texting is currently in or what he might be doing in the moment. Even in the middle of a flirty text conversation, he might not actually be in a position where he can drop everything and come over even if he wants to.
I would imagine that most bull-hopefuls are putting on a pretty solid front of being proper horny and raring to go. When trying to woo a slut, he needs to put on a show of his masculinity. Be charming and sexy and compelling. After all, he’s got to be thinking that she’s got other men available to her.
That’s a Lot of Pressure!
What happens if the bull-hopeful gets a text from the slut he’s been flirting with, but he’s had a long day at the office and just wants to watch some TV and go to bed?
Maybe he’s just ordered a beer with some friends at the bar, the first night he’s been able to hangout with his college buddies due to conflicting work schedules and his friends having wives and children and other responsibilities.
Perhaps it’s been a stressful couple weeks due to his father being in the hospital from a heart attack. His father isn’t even in danger anymore, but damn if the guy still just isn’t the mood for sex. None of that came up during the flirty texts because it’s not sexy and because he and the slut aren’t so close as to reveal that kind of info. They haven’t even met in person—but damn if those flirty text messages didn’t help him get through the past weeks by brightening his day as he sat by the hospital bed.
Our societal expectations tell us these guys should be willing to make the rendez-vous. That even the friends in the second scenario would understand, even cheer their friend on, as he ditches them to answer the booty call.
If one of my friends did that…I wouldn’t be mad at him, I guess, but I would be a little hurt.
What Do Sluts Want?
Honest question: What do sluts want from their bulls?
Surely for some sluts, having a guy at her beck and call is the entire point. She wants to feel his constant desire. And when she puts out the summons, he enthusiastically responds. If a guy can’t fulfill that requirement, he need not apply for the position.
I am totally on board with that, if that’s what a slut wants to get off.
And if that’s the case, neither the lame excuses that happen to Emma nor a more truthful rain-check request will satisfy.
But for a slut who’s looking to find a reliable bull, I would imagine an immediate and respectful reply would work better. “I can’t make it” or “I’m busy right now. Will the offer hold for another hour or so?”, those should be better than a lame and overused excuse like “My phone battery died. I’m just getting this now.”
Right?
I Get It, but I Don’t Agree With It
It’s hard to imagine any bull-hopeful replying to a slut’s summons with a “I can’t tonight, but I really hope some other night will work.” To do so would destroy his credibility and his masculinity. I can see how not replying at the time and circling around a day or two later to try to schedule a meeting would feel less emasculating and humiliating.
Were I in this situation, I would also worry about hurting the slut’s feelings. After all, if she’s expecting me to drop everything and pleasure her, but I say my prior commitments win out in that moment, will she take that as a slight? Will she read too much into that and think I just don’t think she’s sexy enough? Like, were she hotter, if I desired her more, I would drop everything for the chance to fuck her.
So I get why many guys would think flaking out and making an excuse after the fact would be the better play. They are too embarrassed to admit that something else is winning out over sex.
But I don’t agree. I think being upfront and honest—but not necessarily specific with all the details—is the better option.
But that’s just a man’s opinion. What do you sluts think?
Tossing This Back to Emma for a Moment
This whole thought experiment began with Emma’s blog, so let’s bring it back to that. Her post pondering if she’s too sexually aggressive is a follow-up post to another one about “What Turns Guys Off,” which starts off with specifics about one guy, J, with whom she’s had a couple successful dates but who was wishy-washy about committing to a date and then bales the night before.
At first his justification sounds reasonable in that he’s prioritizing hanging out with friends the day before the date and is worried about being too hungover. I get that. Particularly if it’s an event like a bachelor party or birthday. Some friends are your drinking friends, and as we get older, the opportunities to throw down with them dwindle. And I certainly don’t recover from throw-down drinking the way I used to.
Of course, I would never have been that upfront with my reason. I would have just said I have some obligations that might interfere, and I won’t know until morning of. Sorry.
This is only a third date, after all. As I already said: Upfront and honest, but not specific.
But this particular situation doesn’t come across as a guy who’s simply prioritizing friends over a casual hook-up. As she says it, his texts got a bit cold and matter of fact. He wasn’t just prioritizing friends; he sounds like he had no real passion or urgency.
If he just wasn’t up for it that day, that’s fine. Sometimes guys don’t want sex! But he wasn’t doing anything to make this seem like this was an anomaly. I feel like that’s an important element. A slut wants to feel desired after all.
Emma’s Reasons
Emma goes on to list four reasons a bull’s passions might cool over time. She’s surprised any apply to J because they haven’t been at it for that long. I agree in that it seems an odd and sudden shift for a new bull.
Erin and I have not met that many bull-hopefuls, and we’ve only had repeat experiences with three. I would like to think that some of Emma’s reasons (needing to conform to the stag and vixen’s schedule and to their rules and conditions) would just be Known by anyone wanting to be a bull. That’s kind of part of the deal when being a couple’s third.
Sometimes the heat fizzles, which could happen both for the bull and the slut. That fizzle might be due to finding a different, new partner with whom there is that new relationship energy. But what might be perceived as a fizzle could in some cases just be a single blip. Because sometimes guys don’t want sex.
That doesn’t have to mean it’s over. So long as that lack of desire is just a blip not a fizzle.
But for J…. Well, I guess I need to read more of Emma’s blog to find out what happened there.
This Might Be Me Being Overly Optimistic
You know how in job interviews they ask about your biggest flaw or some shit like that, and you are supposed to say something that is actually a virtue, like “I work too hard sometimes, and can’t put a task down until it’s done, even if that means ignoring my family and kids and working through the weekend and never taking sick days”?
My so-positive-it’s-a-negative feature is that I’m overly optimistic and always think the best of people. My theory that the real issue is an unrealistic expectation laid upon men could be me thinking the best of my fellow males and putting the blame on an unrealistic societal standard.
And maybe that’s not true. Maybe I’m the rare guy who doesn’t always want to have sex, and most other men are afraid of assertive women.
And if that’s the case, assertive women, I am sorry. Please know that there are plenty of us out here who want you to be assertive, like when you are the aggressor, and want to be told how to pleasure you as best we can.
It’s just a shame that you need to go through so much work and disappointment to find us.