I enjoy shopping for sex toys. I like roaming around stores, looking at what’s available and wondering what I can convince Erin to let me try on her. However, we ran into an issue when toy shopping recently: Many of them don’t provide enough information regarding sizes.
Sure, you’ll see a package exclaiming “12-Inch dong!” but that’s not enough info. Is that 12 inches from the fake ballsack to the top of the knob or from the base of the suction-cup bottom? That makes a difference.
But length isn’t the only measurement that matters. What about girth?
“Well, Shane,” you say, “can’t you just look at the dildo and figure out if it’s the right girth?”
I’m not so spatially aware that I can compare a mental image of Erin’s thickest dildo to the one in the packaging before me and figure out if this one is bigger enough to be noticeable but not so much bigger as to be untakeable. If you have such a skill, imaginary reader who talks to me while I write, then good for you! Perhaps you can win a prize at one of those guessing games at a county fair.
Hmmm. That sounds like a fun county fair, actually. “Whoever guessed my wife could take the 3-inch-thick dildo 10 inches deep, you win the grand prize! You get to fuck her with it!”
Focus, Shane. Don’t get distracted by all the dildos and butt plugs!
Good point, Shane. Let’s get back on track.
Too late, Shane: This one’s a long one.
But, Shane, she didn’t want long. She wanted wide!
Where Size Matters Most: Up the Butt
We’ve been doing a lot more anal play as of late (about which Erin should be writing updates, but I feel like she’s abandoned me to be the sole content creator on this blog. Sorry, everyone.), and for us, that’s mostly butt plugs.
Over the years, Erin has tried many shapes and sizes, but only recently found one that was comfortable to keep in for an extended time (versus just having it in during vaginal penetration; we have many options for that). Score! We finally had a go-to sex toy not just for anal play but actual anal preparation and training.
It was small. It was glass. And it broke. Fear not, dear reader: It didn’t break while in use. Erin accidentally knocked it off the sink after she had cleaned it, and it broke on the tile floor.
Being the dutiful husband that I am, I took the broken Plug That Worked (yes, it gets a name the same way that magical swords do) to the local sex toy store to try to find a suitable replacement. The original was part of a three-piece training set. Unfortunately, I didn’t know which three-piece training set when I first ventured forth on my quest. That in and of itself set me up for a comedy of errors.
But off I went, broken plug in pocket, thinking that surely these plugs must be sold individually and not just in the set, right?
Turns out…not so much.
Shopping for Sex Toys on My Own
There were several issues that hindered this first shopping trip. The first was desperation. Finally we had a plug she liked. I was desperate to replace it ASAP. She said she would insert the Plug That Worked while we both worked from home and tease me with that knowledge!
Second, as mentioned, I didn’t know which three-piece training set the plug was from. Our local store stocks the Glas brand, and it looked right to me. I had measured the shattered fragments of the Plug That Worked, and the dimensions seemed similar. Little did I know that we were missing pieces from the Plug That Worked, so my measurements were off. Plot twist!
Imagine that a couple shards of Narsil went missing after Sauron shattered it, but the elves didn’t realize that. So when they reforged it, Anduril, the Flame of the West, ended up being a rapier instead of a hand-and-a-half sword. How embarrassing! Aragorn doesn’t know how to fence with a rapier. Middle Earth would be fucked!
I looked through all the Glas plugs the store stocked. There were a couple that looked to be similar in size and shape as the one in the set, but the dimensions on the boxes weren’t the same. To get the small one from that set, I needed to buy the whole set. Annoying!
Third, the plug was in a box. Customers aren’t allowed to open the boxes to look at the plug. Even though I had the broken remains of the Plug That Worked in my pocket, I couldn’t make a side-by-side comparison.
Fourth, Erin wasn’t with me to offer her suggestions or to give the plug a quick trial run. Which is also not allowed nor something that should be done quickly. I merely offer this excuse for amusement purposes.
Undaunted Our Hero Plunges On
I purchased two plugs that day, dear reader: The small Glas one and a silicone one that was in a plastic blister pack that I could compare sizes. The Glas one was the right material. The silicone was the right shape (compared to the Plug That Worked But Was Also Missing a Piece; you need to rename magic swords when they are reforged or if you don’t have all the pieces).
Neither were perfect.
The Problem With Shopping for Sex Toys: Not Enough Info
I knew Erin preferred glass plugs, but she had also been clear that the Plug That Worked had been the just-right shape and size. So while the new silicone plug wasn’t perfect, it worked well enough and has continued to see some action.
But both Erin and I were surprised the small Glas one was a complete failure. The dimensions, at least the ones listed on the box, were almost identical to the Plug That Worked…(except not really. It was almost identical to Plug That Worked But Was Also Missing a Piece. We just had no idea a piece was missing at this point.)
Which really drove home the point that there isn’t enough information on the box!
The dimensions we were given:
- Length
- Width at the widest point
The dimensions we actually needed:
- Total length
- Length of the insertable plug
- Length of the stem
- Width at the widest point
- Width of the stem
The small Glas plug didn’t work because the stem is too wide and shorter than the one on the Plug That Worked. It didn’t sit as comfortably when inserted and it kept popping out. But stem width wasn’t on the box. If it were, I would have been able to figure out that the Plug That Worked hadn’t been from the Glas three-piece training set. It was from the Adam & Eve three-piece training set!
Even with the toy I was trying to replace in my pocket, there was no way for me to accurately compare the two.
She’s Going the Distance. She’s Going for…Wide…?
In the past couple months, Erin and I started working on fisting.
Or to tell the story accurately, she was really relaxed and using her Hitachi wand upon her external lady bits whilst I was using my digits to massage her internal lady bits. Erin’s pleasure very much comes from external stimulation. She enjoys penetration but can’t climax that way. Thus far G-spot manipulation hasn’t been overly successful. That could very well be me not doing it correctly.
But during this particular adventure, I decided to indulge myself in one of my little kinks: fisting/stretching. I had two fingers in already, and so added a third. Sounds of enjoyment escalated, so I added a fourth. Then tucked my thumb under. Then continued to push deeper. No, I didn’t get my whole hand in. Yet. But Erin had a wondrous climax from the combination of the wand and the feeling of fullness.
We repeated this again a few days later. I got a little deeper. She came even harder. I believe this was when she said she had the best orgasm of her life. If not that time, then the time after.
We now had the equation: wand on clit + full pussy = blast off.
Time to do some shopping! Again! But this time, Erin came with me.
To give some context as to the timing of the two trips I’m discussing, this sex toy shopping trip with Erin occurred a week or two after my solo trip. We’d tried both of the new plugs, found them deficient for our needs, and were still on the hunt for a replacement Plug That Worked. We didn’t find one. The two I had gotten were the best options in the store.
Sex Toy Shopping Round 2: “But Is It Big Enough?”
On this trip, we were looking for a dildo that was comparable to the width of my left hand at the widest point when my hand is as narrow as I can make it. How specific!
The advantage of being in the store with the dildos in the plastic blister packs is that I can hold them up to my hand to compare. Which led us to the purchase of an eight-inch long, two inch wide toy we guessed would do the trick. And it did!
But it went in too easy for my taste (please believe me when I say I know that when it comes to putting things inside my wife, my taste is a far far second to hers. But she was really enjoying the fullness!). I’m a Seven, and if there’s one thing we Sevens love, it’s escalation. This new dildo went in delightfully and easily without any hesitation or “give me a second to adjust….”
That meant we could go bigger!
Comparing Toys
By bigger I mean wider, and going wider is difficult when toys don’t list width. Or when the width listed seems a bit weird. Let’s look at some toys, of them being the Colours line from NS Novelties:
- eight-inch dildo—width of 3.4 inches
- five-inch “thick” dildo—width of 1.75 inches
- eight-inch “thin” dildo—width 1.75 inches
First off, why are the thick dildo and the thin dildo the same girth? On humans, there will be proportionality. In sex toys, that’s not necessary. A brand could standardize these terms regardless of length: Thin means one-inch wide. Standard, one-and-a-half. Thick, two-inches. Really thick, two-and-a-half. Oh shit that’s big!, three inches.
Erin doesn’t want deep. She wants wide. Why can’t I find a short, wide toy? At least length is self-limiting. It doesn’t matter if the dildo is 20 inches long, if you only want to take eight inches, only put eight inches in.
Second, 3.4 inches seems thick compared to the other two. In fact, that would almost be the same thickness as DVing with both the other ones. Surely that can’t be the thickness of the shaft. That must be the thickness of the widest part of the toy, and the widest part of the toy would be the balls.
Intrigued, I dug further and found the brand’s website. They fortunately had more info, and yes, the 3.4 inches would be at the balls. I was glad to see so much information about their products on their site. Kudos to you, NS Novelties!
Lots of toy brands don’t have their own sites. Even if they do, there isn’t additional info about their products beyond what’s listed on the package. And that’s not enough info!
Shopping for Sex Toys Round 3: I Know a Guy!
You might have noticed that during this rant, I’ve linked to the Casual Toys sex toy store, which is operated by Mickey and Mallory, the Casual Swingers. That was deliberate.
Normally we shop at brick-and-mortar stores to support local businesses and because with some purchases, it’s easier to figure out what we want visually. Like when we have a broken plug I’m trying to match sizes with or when we’re looking for a thick dildo but have no clue what size is actually viable.
One area in which our local store fails is any kind of sexy men’s apparel. Which is one reason I’ve never had any. The other, more important reason was Erin didn’t think she’d like it. She prefers tool belts and sleeveless shirts, of which I have plenty.
I didn’t think I would look sexy in it either–but then I don’t think I look sexy in anything (which is not to be confused with “I think I look sexy in nothing.” Ah wordplay! How fun is the English language?)—so I’ve gotten to 40 years old without owning male lingerie. I surprised Erin with a couple of purchases from Causal Toys, and low and behold! There are outfits she thinks are sexy on men!
I think I look ridiculous, but I have told Erin time and again over the years that she doesn’t need to think she looks good in the lingerie she wears for me; I do. Of course I play by those same rules.
A “Brief” Aside
Erin recently bought me a pair of those sweatpants for men that were supposedly going around on social media or something. I never saw them or heard of them or anything, so I had no clue what she was talking about when these things showed up. Erin said they are supposed to “enhance the look of the male package” or something, the way those yoga pants do for women’s butts.
I put them on, and my junk disappears from view like I dumped a tray of ice cubes into my boxer briefs, but whatever. She likes me in them, so I wear them. Extra benefit, they are pretty comfy. She thinks that’s unfair because her sexy apparel is uncomfortable. I’d wear uncomfortable things if she liked them!
Back to Online Shopping
So here I am on the hunt for a glass plug and a sex toy that’s a bit girthier than the girthy one we’d just gotten. I had an idea of what was available at the local store because we’d just been there getting the girthy dildo. I knew they didn’t have what I was searching for. Yes, they had girthier dildos, but it was a big jump up from the girthy one we’d just gotten to the supremely huge, comically girthy monsters that looked more like weapons at a naughty Renaissance Fair than sex toys.
Yes, I was trying to see how many times I could fit girthy into that paragraph. As has been noted in this post, I like trying to stuff things in places.
I’m also digging the idea of a naughty Renaissance Fair with the mock combat and jousting being done with sex toys now that I have that idea in my brain.
Instead of returning to the store, I decided to click through the Causal Toys website to see what they have. Whilst perusing the Casual Toy inventory, a friendly little window pops up asking if I’d like to chat with a sales rep. Yes, please!
Personalized Help: Shopping for Sex Toys With Mickey
In short order I was chatting with Mickey. I explained my dilemmas, asked some questions about toy sizes and plug availability, and lamented that so many sex toys didn’t give enough information.
He agreed that the sizing on toys could be frustrating and was able to offer some recommendations based on his knowledge of his stock. Not-quite-wide-enough recommendations, but we were making progress. He even offered to have some of the toys measured. Quality service, that! But it turned out to be unnecessary because he was able to locate one that…fit…what I was looking for.
Next, the plug issue. He confirmed that the Adam & Eve trainer set was the only way to get the small plug. They do not sell them individually. Knowing that the small one was the size and shape I was looking for, he made a couple plug recommendations as well. Although they looked correct, there were other issues with those plugs. But he tried his best, and I can’t thank him enough for his efforts.
Now in the Christmas spirit (by which I mean the greedy “I want this and now I must have this!” spirit), I continued this sex toy shopping spree across an entire week. Mickey and I were like pen-pals. I had questions. He had answers. It was fun, educational, and he helped me whittle down my selection.
My shopping experience? Five out of five, would shop with Mickey again.
Most Important Part of the Story: How Did Things Go in the End?
Slowly and with a generous amount of lube.
But seriously, I surprised Erin with the new girthier dildo the other night, and it was exactly what I had hoped for. My hopes included her having an immensely enjoyable orgasm via the stretch-and-wand combo. I already have my eye on an even wider one, but I think it will be a little while before we’re ready for that. If ever. But fingers crossed.
Thus far, the other purchases I made have been a success. More on those in another post.
In case you were wondering, yes, I did end up buying the Adam & Eve three-piece trainer set again. If that’s what she finds enjoyable, no reason to keep hunting for potentials. I’d eventually spend more money on plugs that won’t be used than I would getting the set.
And hey, this way, if she ever graduates to the medium or large size, we’ll have two of each. We can wear matching plugs! How cute is that!
One Last Note
As I wrote this piece and took pictures of the various plugs and boxes, I noticed that the Adam & Eve three-piece trainer set says it has a five-year warranty. I’m not sure when Erin originally bought it, but I’m confident it’s less than five years ago. We’ll be in touch with Adam & Eve shortly to see if we can get a replacement for the broken one. Then I’ll have a spare in case she ever breaks it again.