As I write this, t’was nary a week ago that a tired Cate from Swinging Downunder was saying her farewells as she brought the first virtual Podcast-A-Palooza to close. Rather than just recap or review the event, I thought perhaps I would limit myself to the seven lessons learned from Podcast-A-Palooza.
As we explained, this was entirely new ground for us. We weren’t sure what was expected during a virtual lifestyle event—although that’s probably too strong a word. Maybe I should say we weren’t sure what the norm would be. Would people be on camera sharing (like with a Zoom meeting with dozens of bright, smiling faces)? Would the chat be active? How interactive were the sessions?
Those aren’t really the types of things I’m going to list as lessons learned during Podcast-A-Palooza, so let me bang them out now:
- A few people did at designated times but not many. It was not Zoom-meeting-esque.
- Yes, there were questions and comments and group sharing across all of the sessions that we attended.
- The chat was moderated so that questions were collected and repeated during any Q&A time. Some hosts had the chat open during and checked it frequently. Others didn’t (maybe couldn’t) have it open during their presentations. But at no point was there a sense of disconnect or of being ignored/forgotten in chat.
With that out of the way, let’s get into the seven lessons learned during Podcast-A-Palooza!
Lesson 1: Erin and I Are Not Compatible Yogitically
OK, so this wasn’t something we didn’t already know, but it became painfully apparent during the couple’s yoga session on Friday night. I’m bad at yoga at the best of times. Add in a partner, and I only get worse.
During the middle segment, there was a bit where one partner worked the other by rotating their hips and applying pressure to deepen the stretch. I could do that. That’s similar to what we would do in my martial arts class. I’m pretty good at relaxing and being heavy without injecting tension into a partner. And I can breathe myself into a nice relaxed twist like that.
Everything else, not good.
I tend to overheat during yoga. If I hold a pose for a while, the air around me just gets hot and heavy (because I radiate body heat like a living furnace). Doing warrior poses with my chest against Erin’s back only made that worse.
When we were sitting back to back and lifting our arms around to each other…oh god! Such pain! Erin was all like, “Oh wow, this feels so nice, being stretched out so much!” And I’m thinking, “I DON’T BEND LIKE THAT!!!”
Which has been useful in my martial arts. It’s difficult to get me in a shoulder lock because my shoulders just do not bend far enough to actually get to a joint hyperextension. Always a great time when a newbie would try that move on me and have all momentum just stop. They look at me with confusion. “Why didn’t that work?”
“I don’t bend like that.” And then I throw them to the ground by returning my arm to its starting position.
<sigh> I miss training.
Lesson 2: That Wouldn’t Be Sexy Without an Accent!
Though, perhaps that’s not the right phrasing because that implies it was sexy with the accent, and I’m not sure sexy is the correct term.
It was funny.
Oh my God was it funny.
We nearly hurt ourselves we were laughing so hard.
But sexy…?
Confused? Of course you are (unless you were there. If you were there, you know of what I speak). I’ve given you no context in all this build up.
So let me give you a little.
Mr. H (of the Bedhoppers podcast) found a pornographic Harry Potter fanfiction and had Mrs. H read an excerpt from it. It involved Harry being shrunk down to an inch or so in height (we know not how or why, for that part was omitted). But he was naked. And Ginny Weasley sits on him.
Lesson 3: How to Host a Kickass (Lifestyle) Party
Monogamish Marriage did an amazing job giving practical advice about party hosting. Some of it was entirely lifestyle related (clearly label playrooms, off-limits areas, and that the sheets and towels are free to use). Much of it could be applied to any party (themes, decorations, reusing party items for multiple events but still making each event feel unique).
The presentation was top-notch, and they even managed to keep it timely. With COVID-19 raging around the globe (this pandemic being the reason we had this virtual event in the first place!), there probably aren’t many big house parties going on. And if there are, well, maybe there shouldn’t be. Monogamish Marriage shared strategies for keeping the party vibe going with smaller, safer, more intimate gatherings.
We also learned their infamous (in-famous is when you’re more than famous) icebreaker lock-and-key game. It’s a great idea for a meet and greet to help get people mingling. I believe we were supposed to play the game during their in-person Podcast-A-Palooza session. I’m glad they still shared it with us.
Though, I’m not sure how I would feel about actually playing the game. Something about forced, artificial interaction doesn’t sit right with me. It’s one of my many, many issues. Erin, on the other hand, feels like that kind of structured ice breaking activity is what she needs to force her to engage. She’s too shy to do so naturally. But within the bounds of a game, she’d be more comfortable. Or so she thinks.
Lesson 4: Erin Can Wink. She Just Doesn’t.
During the sexy striptease lesson, the instructor Kate Maxx made a comment like, “This is a good time to make eye contact with your partner, maybe even give them a wink.”
Which prompted me to ask Erin, “Have I ever seen you wink?”
To which she replied, “I’m not a winker.”
To which I replied, “Can you wink?”
“I assume so,” she said as way of an answer, and so it was left.
It turns out that, yes she can. I have since seen it. She then flipped it and asked where I did all this winking I was supposedly doing because she’d never noticed me wink either.
As it turns out, most of my closing-of-one-eye experience is a result of me being right-handed but left-eye-dominant. All our bows growing up were for right-handed shooters, so when practicing archery, I had to sight down the arrow with one eye closed.
Lesson 5: If You Are Going to Have Sex on a Sex Swing, Make Sure Your Sphincter Can Keep Hold of the Butt Plug
I don’t think that needs any additional elaboration.
But I will add a corollary: “If you are using a metal plug, be extra mindful of the floor material as a loud bang could result, and a well-lubed plug could skid a fair distance.”
Is using the correct term? Does one use a butt plug? Wear a butt plug? Have inserted a plug? Are currently maintaining a steady anal grip upon a butt plug?
Hmmm. So many options.
Lesson 6: Schedule a Fight Night
Erin and I are the most conflict-avoiding people ever. In our 20 years together, we’ve probably had only two or three real fights. We get frustrated with each other, sure, and we occasionally vent. But neither of us gets to a level of anger that we argue.
I said something about us never fighting, and Erin replied, “Yeah, you just get all moody and sulk about in a funk.”
“No, I don’t,” I replied and then sulked up to my office to brood for a few hours on the darkness of human existence.
OK, only half of that actually happened.
But still, we don’t argue much and if we do, I think we are usually even keel rather than being vicious or mean. Much of what the Kinky Koach was talking about in her session fighting fair was foreign to us.
Including the passionate make-up sex. We don’t fight, so we don’t make up, so we don’t get the make-up sex. I hear it’s fun, but I think I’d rather just not fight.
Now, one of the things that Kinky Koach said is that fight nights should be scheduled. The timing of that schedule can be based on the couple’s needs. Relationships that thrive on conflict might schedule these fights once a week or more.
Erin and I might do so once a quarter. And we might end up cancelling it some quarters.
The Airing of Grievances
During this session someone in the chat said they don’t call it a fight but rather the airing of grievances (Festivus for the Rest of Us!), which sits better with me because it’s more in line with how Erin and I communicate.
The term fight has certain implications to it. If I’m prepping to fight, then I’m coming in ready to attack my opponent, to defend my person, and to cause as much harm as possible as quickly and efficiently as possible. Even if just verbally.
I think I would do all those things with impressive acumen to a relationship damaging degree. It makes me uncomfortable even to plan that level of conflict.
So airing grievances makes more sense. It means come into this discussion expecting to hear some negative things, but we’re going to handle them in a positive constructive way (which is different from Festivus).
Lesson 7: We Aren’t Good at Wanting Things
Of all the sessions on the program for virtual Podcast-a-Palooza 2020, we were most interested in Asking for What You Want presented by Catherine of Expansive Connection. Catherine is a mindfulness coach and yogi, but she used to be a licensed counselor. I don’t know that it would be correct to say she focuses on working with people in the lifestyle, but she’s well versed in issues that arise from lifestyle activities.
She has been featured on a few podcasts to which we subscribe, including We Gotta Thing (episode 41 and episode 54) and Swinging Downunder (episode 94). We’ve always found her insightful in these interviews. We were excited to get a chance to work with her even if it was just in a group situation versus one on one.
Asking for What We Want
The topic itself was appealing. As people pleasers, Erin and I both tend to put our needs on the back burner. I think it’s worse for Erin, though. I enjoy and actively seek out taking care of people. When tripping or rolling, I’m always asking what people want and rushing around to get things. To the point it gets noticed and noted upon that I take on this role of service. People worry I’m disrupting my own enjoyment of the experience to tend to their needs. I reassure them that it’s my nature to take care of people, and that is how I enjoy these experiences.
Yeah, that would be my Seven showing. I want everyone to have the best time possible, and I do whatever it takes to facilitate that. My service is to the overall fun of the group.
Erin, the solid Nine that she is, ends up not knowing what she wants and latches onto what others want. Please feel free to correct me, or expand on this, when you read it, babe. [Erin: Nope, you got it.]
It’s not even a carefree, just-go-with-the-flow vibe. It’s an active, “I don’t really know what I want in this situation. Everyone else seems to want this. I will mold my desires into wanting that as well.”
We had thought this session would be less about asking your partner for what we want and focus more on doing so in lifestyle situations. We’re a long time married couple (15 years married next week!). We’ve been in the lifestyle off and on for many years (but we’re still so bad at it!). We’re pretty good at getting what we want from each other. Getting it from other people, not so much.
And Then… the Foot Rub Exercise
This was a short exercise about dealing with getting what we want. It involved Person A offering either a hand massage or a foot massage (their choice) to Partner B. Partner B is supposed to then guide Partner A with requests about how they wanted that offered massage to go: More pressure. Less Pressure. Dig in with your thumbs. Rub the arch more.
We cocked it up from the start.
Round 1: Erin Rubs
Erin took the lead being the masseuse first. She then asked if I wanted a hand rub or a foot rub.
“That’s not the exercise,” I said. “You are supposed to tell me which one you are offering.” I’m not sure how important that element was or if Catherine throws that in because some people have issues with touching feet and she doesn’t want people to offer both if they don’t want to touch feet.
“But I don’t care which I rub, so you can pick.”
Foot massage it is.
As I’m lying there having my foot rubbed, Catherine is reminding us to ask for what we want from the massage.
But I don’t want anything. It’s not that Erin is so perfectly in tune with my feet that she automatically does the exact right thing. It’s just that I can’t think of anything that would be better. If she rubbed harder, that would be fine. Not better. But not worse either.
She switched to rubbing the arch more than the toes. Ok. Not better. Not worse.
I could not come up with a single direction that would be an improvement. It was all fine.
And so, I gave no directions. I even said, “I can’t actually give you any instructions here.”
There was nothing I actually wanted.
Round 2: Shane Rubs
At the five-minute mark, we switch. I gave Erin the same offer, hands or feet, because I am not averse to rubbing either. She, too, chose feet.
Catherine offers her gentle reminder for the person being rubbed to let their partner know what to do. Erin thinks about it and says she doesn’t know what she wants. I asked if she wanted harder and tried that. Not really. Softer? No, not that. Up at the balls of the feet? Yeah, that’s nice…but maybe….
She didn’t know what she wanted, so she couldn’t vocalize it. Again, I’ll let Erin jump in if she has a mind to do so here. [Erin: Nope!]
It might not sound different to you, dear reader, but we could tell the stark contrast between us:
I don’t want things. Or rather, in many circumstances, I don’t have preferences.
Erin doesn’t know what she wants. Though she sometimes knows what she doesn’t want.
There Were Other Lessons Learned From PCAP
I’m listing seven, but please don’t think that was it.
Mr. and Mrs. Jones from the We Gotta Thing podcast led a great talk about consent. This touched on many of the things they covered in Episode 69 of their podcast, which we also discussed in our own post regarding consent in the lifestyle. This session wasn’t new for us, but it’s always a great topic to have to provoke self-reflection about how we give and want to receive consent from others.
The Cate and Darrell and the Sapphic Swingers offered advice on the transport, safe sharing, and proper cleansing of sex toys.
There was a panel discussion on rejection in the lifestyle.
But in crafting these lessons, I wanted to show a range: we had fun, we learned practical things, and we discovered things we need to work on with how we advocate for ourselves and communicate to each other. That’s a fair bit of value packed into one event.
A week later and we’re still laughing about things that happened and ruminating on things we discovered about our relationship.
What’s Next?
There is a second virtual Podcast-A-Palooza event scheduled for January 22, 2021. Given how much we enjoyed the first one, I can’t see why we wouldn’t attend the next one.
After that, we’ll need to see the state of the world. When COVID-19 is in retreat and we can make the timing work, an in-person Podcast-A-Palooza is on our to-do list.