During our interview with Swinging Downunder, Shane and I talked about how I have used low doses of MDMA to ease my social anxiety. He suggested that I write about the recent experience that I had doing this at my sister’s wedding, during which I tried self-medicating with MDMA to help me give my matron-of-honor speech.
Being Shy Sucks
I am very shy. Painfully so, sometimes. I fake it pretty well in most low-stakes situations, but there is a threshold of attention above which I have a distinct physical and emotional reaction. Being put on the spot and being the center of attention is just awful for me.
I liken it to feeling like someone is shining a bright spotlight directly into my eyes. It actually hurts. As you can probably imagine, public speaking is pretty high up on the list of things that I dread. When I had to do this in school, I would shake and sweat and lose my breath, like I had been running full speed uphill. My mouth would go dry, and it would be almost impossible to talk.
Knowing that I am going to have this reaction has held me back from doing (and saying) a lot of things. Even things that, in theory, I wanted to do or say.
Being an Introvert Also Sucks
I am a pretty extreme introvert. I have always known this, but it was particularly highlighted at a work retreat where we all took the Meyers-Briggs personality test prior to the event. Of course it came as no surprise to me to score very high on the introvert scale. But the facilitators of the retreat decided it would be a good bonding activity to have us all line up in order of our scores with the most extreme introvert on one end and the most extreme extravert on the other.
Any guesses as to who the highest scoring introvert in the room was? Also, any guesses on the fastest way to shut down a very shy introverted person? Yeah, heaping that kind of attention on us will do it.
Sigh.
I am sure the people who decided on this activity didn’t see the irony of how something that was supposed to make us aware of and sensitive to other personality types was putting some of us on the spot in the worst way.
That retreat experience would have been horrendous for me up until a couple of years ago. It still sucks, but I have been able to desensitize myself to it a little bit as I have gotten older. Work meetings where I have to contribute to a conversation aren’t quite as horrible. Talking to people in small groups is usually bearable.
But put me up on a podium in front of a room full of people, and the physical and emotional reaction would still occur.
Could MDMA Help?
After having several fantastic experiences with Shane and some close friends on MDMA, I commented that I wished I could feel just a little bit more like that all the time. Even a little bit of that rolling feeling would probably have a huge influence on my comfort in social situations. It removes my filter and stops my brain from hamster-wheeling and preventing me from talking.
With that idea in mind, I have taken a low dose of molly (which for me is about 90–100mg) before going to weddings or parties. It has really helped me to relax and enjoy myself. And actually talk to people.
My Sister’s Wedding
So, my sister got married last month, and she asked me to be her matron of honor. It was a long time coming, and I was so happy for her. She is very similar to me in personality and has the same problem with public speaking. She totally gets how hard it is for me. At the same time, I knew she wanted me to make a speech. She would have understood and been okay with it if I couldn’t do it.
But I know she would have been disappointed. Besides that I wanted to be able to do it for her. I had things I wanted to say to her in front of our closest family and friends. I knew I could write a good speech, but would I be able to actually perform it? We joked that I would write it, and if I froze at the last minute, Shane would read it. And he totally would have!
Fortunately, having self-medicated with MDMA before, I knew it could help me in this situation. I started working on the speech months in advance and memorized it. That at least provided a foundation of confidence in what I wanted to say.
Self-Medicating With MDMA
Shane weighed out my dose in advance so that all I would have to do is take it at the right time. I figured that would be close to the time that we walked down the aisle. I knew that the dinner would be happening within two hours of the ceremony. That timing would have me solidly under the effects at the right moment. I took my dose of Molly along with a very small piece of Xanax (to counteract the upper feeling of the Molly a bit, which can feel like anxiety).
And it worked! I stood up in front of everyone and deliver what I think was a pretty great speech and toast to my sister and her new husband. She looked at me with amazement. My dad said he didn’t think I had it in me. I got a lot of compliments, which was a nice confidence boost. But most importantly, it felt so incredible to be able to give such a meaningful gift to my beloved sister.
There are a lot of reasons that I am thankful that Shane and I discovered MDMA. Being able to use small amounts of it for things like this was an unexpected bonus. Knowing that I have this miracle drug available to me has opened up opportunities for me that I would have previously dismissed as impossible.