I’m not good at reading signals from people. Even if we’re asked by other couples at the club if we want to get a room with them, I’m only like 50% sure their interested in us. But I know I’ve been hit on four times in my life. I’m pretty confident about the fifth time, so we’ll make this a top five list.
“Wait, hold up a minute, Shane…. Didn’t I spend 40 minutes reading about how you think male sexiness is ambiguous because you don’t think women are interested in you for your body or some crap like that? And now you’re adding that you are so bad a reading signals you think you’ve only been hit on four times in your life? Don’t you think you could be the problem in this equation?”
Um, yes, absolutely. I have no doubt my insecurities come from the fact I’m missing things. But as I said in that post, I don’t see the men around me getting feedback either. I have seen other people being flirted with, checked out, and hit on. I just don’t see it if it happens to me.
Reminder: I’ve Been With Erin Since High School!
Erin and I started dating when were 17. I’ve never needed to learn to read signals other than hers, and those I know. Nor have I needed to know how to send signals to anyone other than her. Getting into the lifestyle really highlights the fact that I’m very experienced at dealing with only one person.
We often joke that, were I single, I could spend a whole evening at a bar chatting with a lady. At the end of the night, I’d get up, thank her for a lovely conversation, and walk out, leaving a very confused woman sitting there wondering why the guy she spent hours talking to left without so much as trying to get her number.
So without further adieu and that weird talking-to-myself thing, I present (in the order in which I think these are funniest) the four times I’ve been hit on in my life…and that one extra time!
Number Five: That Extra Time That Sort of Counts
This one isn’t actually funny. We met another couple…. Wait, how did we meet that couple? I think they must have seen us on the attending list at one of our local clubs, and they reached out to us beforehand to say hi and that they’d love to meet. Or did we just happen to find ourselves talking to them without any pre-club chatter?
Doesn’t really matter. Let’s go with this: We’d talked briefly with them one time at the club. The next time we were both on the list, there was pre-club messaging in which both couples expressed interest in talking more. Following that time, the four of us went out to dinner together. And more stuff.
That’s not the point of this post!
Unrelated side note: Erin, when you read this: We should try to get another dinner on the books with them. I think you know about whom I speak.
Anyway, one thing Erin and I both noticed was the female of this other couple is very touchy. Not obtrusively or annoyingly. She’s very good at laying her hand on mine or my arm or shoulder when we talk. It’s not something I’m used to or good at doing myself (and maybe as a guy I shouldn’t be doing at all; as bad as I am at reading signals, I’m worse at actually flirting). Ah another post where I’m showing off all my sexy confidence. I’ll be fighting the ladies off with a stick after this….
So that’s it. She seemed very engaged in our conversation. Lots of smiling and eye contact. And touching. That’s flirting, right?
Number Four: I Was Specifically Told
This occurred during a KiK chat (Alas poor KiK. I knew him, Horacio!) amongst Erin and myself and another couple that we’d met a few times already. It went like this: She was being pretty forward and obvious during the chat. I was still being oblivious and friendly and self-deprecating, which may have come across as deflections. After all, she’s trying to be sexy, and I’m coming back with jokes. She probably thought I wasn’t appreciating her flirting, so she said, “I hope I’m not being too forward.”
To which I then said, “Oh, you were being serious?”
At this point, Erin, who’s sitting next to me on the sofa and reading the conversation as it happens, does a solid Picard-style facepalm and the other woman replies, “Yes, I’m hitting on you.”
Yeah, I figured that one out!
Number Three: I’m Incorruptible!
Many, many years ago, before we were in the lifestyle, Erin and I had a joint birthday party. One of our friends brought…a date, maybe? I’m not really sure how he knew this girl. But she wasn’t in the friend circle. Which is fine; we’re friendly people. But she also didn’t really fit in with the friend circle.
As oblivious as I am to signals, even I thought her general behavior was ridiculous, and that’s before she got drunk. You ever see that poster about why guys keep their beer on the bottom shelf? Yeah, that’s how she got beer out of the fridge, only she was in pants. And our beer wasn’t on the bottom shelf, but she still did full ass-out bends like that. She directed this performance at every male, not just me.
I’m known for being…inappropriate in my humor. The joke amongst my friends is that some people get close to crossing the line. Others take a tentative step across every once in awhile. Shane plows past the line at a full sprint and just keeps going. “What line?”
But I wasn’t saying a damn thing about her behavior. If I could see she was being ridiculous then it was too obvious to even make jokes. It would be like dynamiting fish in a barrel.
At one point during her drunken flirt attempts, she ran her fingers across my chest and said, “Wow, you are just incorruptible aren’t you?” Half the party had to leave the room they were laughing so hard. I think Erin was one of them. I just stood there smiling, still not making any jokes.
Number Two: When I Met the Wife of the Guy Who Helps Me Fuck My Wife
Yeah, we’re into hot-wifing. Our preference is to find a compatible go-to guy who can get the job done rather than meeting lots of guys and weeding out the incompatible ones. Kind of the point of the Erin and Shane fiction series.
“Series? There’s one story in the fiction section, Shane.”
Yeah, well…so’s your face!
We happened to run into one of our single male friends at the club. We hadn’t realized he was going to be there, so it was a happy coincidence. He happened to be there with his wife, who had brought a single guy of her own that evening. Yes, we knew he was married. We’d just never met her before.
When we ran into him, his wife wasn’t around. Eventually she catches up with us and introductions are made. After a few minutes of chatting and joking, she hooks her arm in mine, looks at her husband, and says, “I like Shane. You should bring me with you the next time you go over to their place.”
The look on his face was priceless. At first, shock that she said it. Then a little bit of embarrassment. Quickly followed by an eye roll and a look at me that said, “Dude, I’m sorry my wife just invited herself to your wife’s MFM threesome.” I can’t say my expressions were any better.
We had a good laugh about it. No, he hasn’t brought her over. Yet. We keep meaning to get together as a foursome, even if only to hang out. She was fun.
Unrelated side note: Erin, when you read this….
Number One: It Was So Obvious to Everyone Else
A few years ago, before we were in the lifestyle, we were having beers with friends at a microbrewery known for its weird flavors and crazy selection. The female bartender was giving us the various spiels and tasting notes and the like. The four of us were casually chatting to her. I was making jokes. The bartender was laughing.
She eventually leans over the counter and says to me, “Wow, you really aren’t what I expected.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I kind of expected you to be a Bro.”
“A Bro?”
“Yeah, like all cocky and shit. A bit of a dick. You know, some dumb-ass frat boy. But you aren’t.”
It ramped up from there. She spent a lot of time talking to me or even just leaning over the bar smiling at me. At one point, she goes off to help someone else, and I turn to Erin and our friends and say, “I think she’s flirting with me.”
Their eyes shot open and their jaws drop. In one voice all three of them said, “You THINK she’s flirting with you?!?!” I then hear how they’d been giving each other side-eyes and giggling over her behavior toward me the entire time. I hadn’t noticed that either.
Truly, I wasn’t sure. I had been impressed I had noticed at all. I was proud of the fact that I had noticed. And that I was being hit on by someone. Chronologically, this time happened after Number Three, but as noted, she’d been ridiculous and hitting on everyone, so that time hadn’t really done much for me.
The Four Times I’ve Been Hit On
There you have it. The four times I’ve been hit on. Given that the first two happened in the 10 year span between my early 20s and 30s and the second two (and the bonus!) happened in the past year and a half since being in the lifestyle, things are looking up.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been flirted with on Twitter this week, too. Progress!